I agree, at this stage they can't see that their actions impact everyone else, and bringing it up does no good. I've been reminded recently to not act defensively, and it really does help. Not sure how to deal with my own anger when he is being self-centered, but I know it does disappear quicker if I don't fuel it.
Christmas card issue is weird, I always wrote a little chatty letter that I put in the cards, this year I made the cards on the computer with a picture of the kids, a little saying and then signed it with just our surname--- ie The Smiths and let it go at that. Let them all wonder, I don't know who knows and who doesn't, but should get me through the weirdness of this and I'll worry about next year when it comes. I sent it to the normal list, I included all H's family.
Your attitude sounds amazing, you are taking all his curve balls with such grace, good for you.
