help with a plan

[pigskin]

Journaling...

When I got home from work, W was outside on phone. I went in and grabbed a bite to eat. The kids were watching TV. There was homework on the table. I called them in and asked if they were done with homework. They said mom still had to check it, but she had been on the phone for a long time. I could hear some of phone convo and it sounded like someone from work. NBD. I finished eating, cleaned my mess off of the table and grabbed the trash to walk it down the lane. S4 wanted to walk it down with me so I put his shoes on and walked out the door. W was finishing phone convo and hung up as we were walking by. I said "hi, what's going on." She said just crap at work and walked in the house.

When we got back to the house, she was going over homework with one of the boys and told the other one she would be with him as soon as she was done. Very snotty. I sat down with other son and checked his math, went over the ones he got wrong, and asked if there was anymore work to do. They had some social studies so we started on that.

While they were reading, I gave S4 a shower, and when he was done, D6 got in. When she got done, I went in to check on the boys. W was asleep in the chair at the table. I helped the boys finish and she woke up. I told her to go lay down or go to bed, I would take care of getting them finished and in bed. She snorted and got up and said they had more homework. She was very short with the kids. I again told her to go lay down, I would finish up. She acted as if she didn't hear me. I left the room.

Finally got the kids to bed, she laid on the couch and didn't tell any of them good-night. I watched TV for a while and went and took a shower. Left her on the couch. I think she came to bed @ 1:00am.

This morning, more of the same. She didn't work this morning, and was in the shower when I got up. The kids were stirring and I told them to come and eat. As we were eating, she walked in and said, "If you could have waited five more minutes, I was going to make eggs and biscuits." She stormed out of the room and back in the bathroom. A few minuted later, she came out and asked the kids if they wanted some eggs. She slammed pots and pans around and started making some eggs.

She then started yelling at the boys about homework and not getting it done and not bringing stuff home. Of course, she says nothing about having practice every night and not getting started on homework until 7:00 at night. She tells the boys that they are nine and she shouldn't have to remind them to bring their school work home. She's right, they are nine, but they are not nineteen. On and on she went. Then, all the kids were not wearing the right clothes and she had them all change. I went around and told all of the kids good-bye and left for work about 45 min early. She didn't say anything to me and I didn't to her. I wasn't pissy, just carried on all morning like normal.

Let her be pissy. I help with the kids and three out of five days I get them ready on my own. Those days are always peaceful. No arguing or bitching, we get ready and go. The days she is home are usually stressfull. Why? I guess she hates being there with me. She takes it out on the kids too and I really hate that.

It's not been fun here for a while. I guess she is making detaching easier. I really didn't care this morning. I made sure and helped with the kids and gave them attention. I only left early after I was sure they were all ready for school. She can be however she want to be, I don't have to get sucked in to the trap. I haven't seen my "real" wife in so long, I wonder if she is still in there somewhere. I would not miss the woman that was in my kitchen this morning at all. She can leave anytime she wants.

I want to save my marriage.
I'm done being a victim.
Done playing her games.
Done getting walked on.

I will always be there for my kids.

Textbook, IDU. Beautiful job. Have to say I'm proud of how you handled your W's irritability. Let her choose to be miserable. You have a choice not to be.

It might be a good time to get her out of your bedroom; let her see that you are a family man and won't expose yourself to the evil of her horrible choices. She slept on the couch until 1 AM. She can sleep there for good if she refuses to leave.

[idontunderstand]

Well, last night was fairly pleasant. I got home and the kids all told me about their field trip they had for school. I listened to them for a while in the living room then went into the kitchen where W was. She said hi, are you hungry? I said yes and she had a plate made for me. I stuck it the microwave and she started telling me about her day, about work, and just general conversation. This after two days of not looking at me. I listened and validated and didn't inject anything that could be taken the wrong way. Basically just listened.

I guess the moral of the story is: The pros are of course right on. When I pull away, she is drawn in. It may take a few days, but it ALWAYS happens. I get so caught up in immediate gratification that I don't alway see the big picture. PATIENCE!! Also, consistency. My changes have to be there day in and day out. She can be a jerk, I don't have to put up with it.

It's embarrasing to think and read my older posts and realize how scared of her I was. Don't get me wrong, I still get scared at the thought of losing my family. I know I can't be scared of her anymore. Consistent, calm, cool, confident, in control. All thing that I have taken way too long to learn. Let her spew if she want. It doesn't have to control my mood or my actions. I never realized how co-dependant I was. What a fool.

I'm getting there.

[LSG]

idontunderstand,

I read my older post and feel the same way. I was a total mess. I still am but just not as bad.

This is why being here is good for us to better ourself, and I have definitely seen the changes in you. You are doing great at dealing with your very difficult sitch. Also it is amazing the ups and downs that the WAS have like we do. I feel my ups and downs usually relate to hers. I wonder what their ups and downs relate to.

I don't think you should be embarrassed by your older posts. You have come along and that should make you feel good about yourself.

You also had a good day with your W, and that is something to be thankful for. It is the little things that will keep you keep you positive no matter what happens.

Take care of yourself!

[idontunderstand]

Thanks, LSG.

This place is good for us, you are right.

Like you said, "our" ups and downs usually relate to our wives. I can see where that shouldn't be the case. She can totally ruin my day no matter how good it has been up until the point that she decides to bring me down. That is a big thing I have to work on. If she is being a jerk, I have to let her because, even if it doesn't involve me or anything I have done, she doesn't want me to try to help right now. I can't say or do anything that would help other than walk away and do something else. It doesn't FEEL right, but it it almost always the right thing to do.

BTW, I like this in your signature:
"I hope for a better tomorrow!
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction!!
We will all be okay! What does not kill you, will only make you stronger!!!"
If we could learn to live by these statements and flesh them out, we would be so much better off!

I hope we get the outcome we are looking for! We have to be strong enough and wise enough to keep trying.

Thanks for the pep talk.

You take care, too.

[idontunderstand]

Journaling-

Weekend was okay. Fri. nite was the kids spring program. It was a western theme. The kids all looked great in their cowboy outfits. D6 just wanted to wear a "pretty dress" and NOT jeans and cowboy boots! With three brothers, she is still, somehow, 100% little girl. Afterwards, they have games set up in the classrooms that the kids can play.
W asks:
Are you going to stay and let them play games or just take them home?

M: Of course I'm going to let them play, why wouldn't I?

W: Last year you were all pissed off.

M: Do you really want to go there?

W: What?

Last year, my W's niece came with us. S, who was had just turned 3 had got stung by a bee or wasp or something and would not walk. W "had" to help with a cake walk that the school board puts on, so it was me with 5 kids to watch. Our two older boy and niece were okay on their own for a while. I had D5 and S3 with me while W was with her SB buddies without a care in the world. D5 wanted to play games and S3 cried the entire time. He would not get down, I had to carry him the entire time. After an hour of this, I had had enough. It took me half an hour to round all of the kids up and we went in the gym to tell W we were leaving. Couldn't find her, so we just left.

We got home and got ready for bed. S3 was still crying. I put medicine on his foot and held him in the chair to try to get him to sleep. W called about an hour later. Where did we go, how come we didn't tell her we were leaving? WTF! She then says, she's going to stay and help clean up and then go have a few beers. Don't remember what time she got home, but yeah, I was pissed.

Anyway, that's what she was referring to. I never get tired of the B.S. from her.

I bought the kids some tickets and went and played the games. They won all sorts of little prizes and were as happy as Christmas time! And Mom missed it all, once again.
She got home a little after 11:00.

Our boys served at church again on Sun. They were so proud of themselves! I was too.

W went out after work Sun. She gets off at noon. At 6:00, I told the kids to get in the truck, we were going out to eat. We got home @7:30 and W was asleep on couch. I got the kids showered and ready for bed. She woke up for a minute and asked where we had been. I put the kids in bed and showered. Went in, turned the TV off and went to bed. She woke up a few minutes later and came to bed.

I'm getting to the point that I don't care. Boundaries mean nothing to her. A few beers means several hours. The kids and I go about our day and have a good time without her. Of course, they ask when Mom will be home. I answer them honestly, "I don't know."

I wish she would leave, but she won't. My wife is gone. I have tried to make concequenses for her actions, but, short of me leaving, what can I do? I have told her she needs to leave, I have told her if she can't be home before midnight she can stay gone. If she can't call, stay wherever she is. I know I need to tell her to sleep on the couch. I guess that would be a starting point.

It's so frustrating. At least I'm past the grieving stage, I'm just mad.

I need to make her face the consequenses of her actions. I know. It would be easier without the kids. Trying to strike a balance.

I'm almost done.

[flowmom]

IDU, you're walking a difficult line and you're doing a good job at it! As you say, you're in a tough spot with the kids. It sounds like you're shifting...they say anger is good. I guess it can be a step towards detaching. Take care, hold your head high, and live for yourself and your children!

[idontunderstand]

FM, just trying to channel that anger in a positive and not destructive direction.

Yes, right now, the overriding feeling is anger. Anger at the whole sitch and what it has devolved into. I know some of it is my fault with the way I have handled certain things. Maybe we are beyond saving. I hope not, but it feels like I don't care. If I understand detachment, I guess that's not really a bad place to be.

I continue to live for myself and my kids. Mostly my kids. They will miss out on so much. They will have to grow up faster than they should. I hate what this will do to them!

[pigskin]

FM, just trying to channel that anger in a positive and not destructive direction.

Yes, right now, the overriding feeling is anger. Anger at the whole sitch and what it has devolved into. I know some of it is my fault with the way I have handled certain things. Maybe we are beyond saving. I hope not, but it feels like I don't care. If I understand detachment, I guess that's not really a bad place to be.

I continue to live for myself and my kids. Mostly my kids. They will miss out on so much. They will have to grow up faster than they should. I hate what this will do to them!

IDU, you are doing a great job. Try not to think about the effect on the kids, since there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING you can do about that if divorce happens. You just do the best you can with them.

Not to be morbid, but think about those who have lost their spouses to accident or illness. You probably could see how wallowing in the misfortune and regret would not be good for you or your kids. To do right by them you would move on with your life as best you could, and accept that some of us are given terrible burdens to bear. That is just how life is, and that's why faith is so important. It's the burdens that draw us nearer to God. Pour yourself into your faith and draw strength from it.

I have to say prioritizing faith and doing the little things that keep it a part of my day (reading the bible before bed, reading from a booklet of daily meditations, saying short prayers when thoughts of my sitch come up) have done tremendous good for me. People reading my thread may view me as a bible thumping Ned Flanders type, but I wasn't that way at all before the bomb exploded. I was very lukewarm before.

[idontunderstand]

Isn't it sad that it takes something like this to wake us up? I never once thought that the seemingly small problems in our M would lead to anything like this.

I still have some self doubt: what if she's telling the truth, what if she and the super are just friends? Could I be overreacting? Are my insecurities making me think something more is going on here than there really is?

Then, I try to look at it from a different point of view. If we were dating, would she act this way? If it was all a mistake and there were no "feelings" between her and super, she would do everything she could to repair the M. I know that is not necessarily true, either. My mind goes 'round and 'round trying to make sense of it all. You can't make sense of it and I need to quit trying. I have the evidence that I need and I know something is going on that is not right. It doesn't matter how it started, how much is my fault, she is the one who has decided that she is doing nothing wrong and I am being unreasonable. It's all my fault and none of it is hers. She doesn't love me anymore and all the spew out of her mouth is just garbage; justification for her actions that make no sense. Her story changes to fit her mood at the time. SPEW!

Okay, enough rambling. I have to stick to my plan, such as it is. I don't let her be an a$$ for no good reason without calling her out on it.
I have told her it is disrespectful to stay out and not call and she can just stay where she is. I know, the next step is to lock her out of the house. I AM ready to do this. The last couple of months she has come home at a normal time, this month it was back to 1:30 am and she couldn't understand why I was upset.
I have talked to a lawyer. I guess she was just lulling me to sleep. I have to stop settling for the little bread crumbs she will sometimes leave me.

The crumbs mean nothing.
I have been doing many things right and am in a better state of mind. I just need to put all of them together and do what I need to do.

[idontunderstand]

Told W that I agree with her: Our marriage is over, I don't know why I didn't realize it a long time ago. I told her to get a L and that I would do the same. If she won't leave, she needed to sleep on the couch. I am not going anywhere and not leaving my kids. She chose this, not me, and she needs to be the one to go. Also, we need to tell the kids that mom is the one who wants this, not dad. I left the house and went to a friends house and came home later. She was asleep on couch. She had to work this morning and I have not talked to her since.

I am calm at the moment. Don't know how long it will last.

I really need your support right now. I hope I am doing the right thing. It doesn't feel right, but hopefully it will work.