My husband is addicted to an emotional affair

[TimeHeals]

he pretty much said that it was unfair to me for him to have done what he has done and still remain married to me.

Ahh, yes. He's trying to convince you (and himself) that what he is doing is best for both of you. Isn't that nice? (sarcasm).

This is why you need to stop pursuing him. I am glad that you are joining a gymn (but a bit worried about the comment that you seem to need attention from a male peronal trainer).

You should join a gymn or whatever (GAL), and personal trainers can be inspiring, but I think I'd save wanting a lot of male attention while you are hoping to save your marriage.

[nicole8]

Timeheals.... I was being totally sarcastic about the mail trainer... I'm a little nervous to be honest.

I do find it funny that my h is trying to convince me we should be d. I asked him to tell me what I could have done different. Yes, I know I shouldn't have asked because this is pursuing. But he told me the only mistake I made was marrying him. I told him that he and our m were worth fighting for.

I do also find it funny that he said he is trying to be more independant from me. Really? How is that going for ya living at your moms and she does everything for you? Seriously messed up. He is giving up on our m because he shouldnt have never looked at another woman so now our m is broken.....yet he doesn't think he is an adulter and he isn't seeing anyone. Yet each time he has broken up or tried to end things with her he has come home. So complicated and very high school.

[TrentC]

Trent thanks for all the information.... I have done some reading this weekend. What did you think of Retrouvaille? Was it something you would suggest to a friend?

Absolutely. I wish we'd done this before it got to this stage.

I have a personal training session tomorrow that came with my new membership. I am hoping the trainer is an attractive male I know that is horrible to say because I am married, but it's how I feel.

There is nothing wrong with having someone compliment or flatter you. It can be great for your self-esteem, especially when you're not receiving it from your husband.

But you're kinda giving up the moral high ground if you go seeking attention from other men while you are married -- especially with how upset you have been with his behavior.

[nicole8]

I am not going to give up the moral high ground....yes I lashed out at my h the other day. Probably the first time he's heard my anger about the sitch he has us in. I called and appologized but haven't heard anything from him.

I am still having difficulty with the fact that one of the reasons he says he left is that I didn't talk about our relationship...so how is going dark/dim doing anything but proving to him that I don't want to talk even more. He also said I act like there is nothing wrong and am just happy and ignore our r....this upsets him. I feel like sending him an email so he reads what I have to say instead of hearing what he wants to hear. .....this is pursuing though!

Anyone have thoughts?

[nicole8]

Oh another thing. What the heck do you say to someone sho says that they aren't in love with you and they can't just pretend to be in love with you? It hurts to hear it but I've heard it before and that later heard "I love you".., so frustrating.

[Vulcanized]

I am not going to give up the moral high ground....yes I lashed out at my h the other day. Probably the first time he's heard my anger about the sitch he has us in. I called and appologized but haven't heard anything from him.

I am still having difficulty with the fact that one of the reasons he says he left is that I didn't talk about our relationship...so how is going dark/dim doing anything but proving to him that I don't want to talk even more. He also said I act like there is nothing wrong and am just happy and ignore our r....this upsets him. I feel like sending him an email so he reads what I have to say instead of hearing what he wants to hear. .....this is pursuing though!

Anyone have thoughts?

Nicole, I think that your H wants reassurance that he can have both you and OW. Do not give him the satisfaction. You acting as if you are ok probably causes H to think that you aren't the entirely sure thing he's counting on.

Let your H come to you. Let your H initiate all R talks. Listen, validate and don't say much about how you feel. Maintain some distance.

I'm in a similar sitch as you, except my H's OW is more than happy to f&*k my H. This is the tack I've taken w/him. Works a whole lot better than when I pursued H. I see that it affects H; not quite enough for him to pull his d*&k out of OW, but enough that H appears to have more interest in me than in the last 9 months.

[TrentC]

I am still having difficulty with the fact that one of the reasons he says he left is that I didn't talk about our relationship...so how is going dark/dim doing anything but proving to him that I don't want to talk even more.

The answer to that is to be willing to talk about the R if and when he comes to you. Such as...

He also said I act like there is nothing wrong and am just happy and ignore our r....this upsets him.

One of the things to keep in mind is that his perception of the state of things is not exactly the truth. He may be trying to convince himself that you don't really care about the R, so why should he stay?

That is where clear, direct communication comes in. When he says something like that respond with "I understand why you feel this way, but I take our relationship very seriously. What would you like to talk about?"

[awest1217]

Have you read DB or DR? In both, they have many strategies and it is important to use this site or a journal to keep track of what is working and what strategy you are using. Honestly, H responds a lot when you do go dark. He calls, texts, etc., but when you try to talk to him, he ignores you so I would say going dark is a good thing.

One of the other strategies is using a different form of communication so if you feel writing him a letter or e-mail would help you, then later when he is more open, I would send it. Maybe write out something and save it then revise it once in a while. This will make sure that you have written exactly what you want and also so if you do get it another unexpected R talk, your thoughts are already in order and you have a better handle on what you are doing.

What is most important is to stick with what is working. Make sure you set some small action-oriented goals that you would like to see from H and then using a strategy (ie going dark) see if after 2 to 3 weeks if you start to reach some of those goals. If you do then keep using the strategy. If not, then stop and try something different. The biggest thing with DBing is that you have some tools to use.

Based on what you have written, going dark does work because H does start to ask you questions and talk to you. He may not be coming home, but once again you need to think small action-oriented baby steps.

[nicole8]

Yep my h called me... Just to "check in". Ohhh and he needs a favor. WTF? Really does he think this is how it work? First mistake was I answered the phone. I was upbeat and positive and didn't make any reference to our r. I told him I could help him, what I didn't tell him is that I am going to make him wait a few hours. Tee hee! I am soooo funny. No really I am going to make him wait and he can just sweat it out.

[TimeHeals]

I do find it funny that my h is trying to convince me we should be d. I asked him to tell me what I could have done different. Yes, I know I shouldn't have asked because this is pursuing. But he told me the only mistake I made was marrying him. I told him that he and our m were worth fighting for.

OK, he is trying to convice you (and himself) because that's just what some people do. I have been on the receiving end of such comments myself. It's just easier for him to say it is the right thing than live with the guilt.

If he wanted to know if you still thought the marriage was worth saving or if you were willing to change some things, he would have asked.

It doesn't do any good to ask him what you should have done differently right now. At this point, you aren't the one telling their spouse their relationship is ending while you live in fantasy land.

The best responses to those sort of statements are in the vein of "I'm sorry you feel that way".

You really have to get it into your head that you are going to be alright even if this marriage doesn't make it (in fact, that would be better than the purgatory you are in right now) and start living your life accordingly.

I am not telling you to give up. I am telling you to stop playing this game.