And that is what sucks. He is asking for reassurance that I cannot give him.......
Tomorrow night is the plan. They are with Dan tonight and I am working a track meet again (of course they are more important than track, but are going to be with Dan), so I plan to tell them tomorrow night.
Going to go w/my counselors suggestions, to tell them that Daddy and I love them very much, and always will, and that I will always be mommy and he will always be daddy, but that Daddy decided he didn't want to be married to mommy anymore.
Cause I am not calling it mutual. Not gonna happen.
It is going to be a tough talk, but he is already conditioned to living in 2 different homes. It is best that you get this done very soon. I think you need to get it done before Dan or MIL to breaks the news to him as you most likely have a more compassionate approach to such a talk. You need to indicate in the talk that there is no chance of reconcilliation (even if there is) so that he does not continue to keep his hopes up with ideas of reuniting the two of you.
There is no chance, period...Dan just emailed me. I had told him that we needed to talk with Nathan bc of his hints and insinuations. I told Dan the truth that I had held off hoping things would change and they hadn't so we needed to level with the kids.
He replied back with a list of accusations basically:
Bobbi
It just will not work
If I were there it would be intense to say the least
I have no idea why the kids were up at 10
I don't know why nate missed his allergy shots or medicine
I can't understand why you aren't playing catch with Nate
I don't have any comprehension of why you aren't in bed at 3am
I can't live that way. Don't like it this way but don't have to deal with it on a daily basis.
Dan
He wants me to play catch w/Nathan every single day and apparently on his days he asks Nathan if I do...I sent him the email saying we needed to talk to the kids at 3 this morning, cause that's when I woke up on their floor...not that he isn't up at all hours so I don't know what that's about
It is just more of the same of him justifying why it is ok to leave his wife and get divorced and not feel bad about it.
And yet it still hurts me like hell, and I let it.
Ooohhh - that email from him just makes my blood boil!!! What a passive agressive little jerk he is! It's none of his damn business why you are up at 3am. He gave up that right when he left the family. It's also none of his business what you do or don't do with the kids when they are with you. Time for him to MHOB!
This is just a bunch of crap he is trying to lay on you. He and his needs to be Ctrl-Alt-Deleted!
Ooohhh - that email from him just makes my blood boil!!! What a passive agressive little jerk he is! It's none of his damn business why you are up at 3am. He gave up that right when he left the family. It's also none of his business what you do or don't do with the kids when they are with you. Time for him to MHOB!
This is just a bunch of crap he is trying to lay on you. He and his needs to be Ctrl-Alt-Deleted!
BA
Yep it is the same "BBJ you will never change and you are too frustrating to live with" crap he dropped on me when he backed out of the final session of Retro.
I just cannot understand how I can choose to forgive someone for multiple affairs, lying, strippers, porn,and basically abandoning me which is what he did by moving out...but he cannot accept that I am bad with time amanagement and don't always get things done in a timely manner.........wtf wtf wtf
And I allow myself to feel rejectred all over again. And wonder if maybe I had done those things would it be different. But I know he would just have a different list (messy car, late to church, etc etc). I could never be perfect enough...........
I am just so upset about telling Nathan but I have to, I really must do it asap. I am sittig here crying in my classroom with the lights off so nobody knows I am in here. Ugh!
I want to just absolutely unload on him all the crap I feel about his weak ass not being selfless and forgiving enough to accept the woman he promised to always love and cherish. And I know you have all been through that and worse so I need to just pull the big girl panties up...
Uh - for one you are not bad with time management, don't let him let you think that. He's the one who took forever to get his house together so that Nathan and Sydney could finally spend the night there. You have more time management in your little pinky than he has in his entire body.
His reaction is pretty typical. He's lost his "control" over BBJ and he doesn't like so he's going the route of "you're a bad person, a bad mother, etc". Don't let him suck you into it. As I meant to say in my previous post - these types of "emails" need to be Ctrl-alt-deleted.
I just can not understand...........why you still want this guy?
<<I had held off hoping things would change and they hadn't so we needed to level with the kids.>>
This is just persuing again BBJ....don't want to lay it on you here but I really thought you were moving on ... with the dating etc. Temporary setback .... you need to distabce yourself and honestly you may want to text at normal hours if at all.
Sorry....read your post and although I agree with poster above that it is none of his business etc.... you sound a little off.
I swear to you I was mowing yesterday and thinking of any reason at all I would want him back in my life, and when it comes to just me? There is NO reason. I mean I thought about it for 30 minutes and could not come up with anything redeeming, which is sad in itself.
I am off today, John. You got me there. I have been on some dates, I have realized that I am worth more, deserve more than what he could give me.
In fact while I was mowing I reviewed the pattern and after we started dating in 92, he dumped me in 95 and 97, then after marriage in 97 he cheated in 99, cheated in 2002, cheated in 2007 and left, came back in 2008 then left again in 2009 while still seeing that woman on/off.
I do wonder if there was ever a really 'good' period in our marriage or if it was all in my head. I wonder if the pressures of looking like a 'good' person are what made him keep coming back to me, and I took him back every time. If he never actually wanted me at all....
The thing that gets me #1 is Nathan. I know you all have kids and they have all had to deal with the fallout. But this little boy has already been jerked around way too much. Hell when he was 7 weeks old he was riding in the car with his mom at two a.m. tailing Dan with the first ow... He had to watch mommy cry in 2007 after I found out about ow 2...then living without Dan while we were separated 3 months in diff. states, then Dan and I telling him Daddy was not moving in with us when we moved.
Then surprise Daddy is back and living with us, then last January daddy is out again but told Nathan "mommy and I are not getting a divorce we are going to try and fix things so we can get back together again".
That was the last official word Nathan got from either of us. So he clings to that even though I am sure that mentally he knows it doesn't add up...
Time to be the stable one I have been for the most part. Cannot allow my own emotions to f@ck up Nathan anymore than I/Dan already have.
No looking back, no more chances. Going to be clear with Nathan that Daddy is not coming back, but he will still have the love of both his parents. That door of mine is going to be slammed shut and deadbolted, if only for my own mental health...
Here's a Kleenex, a hug and a hand up. Brush yourself off and let's get back on track. It happens to eveyone. Really. But looking back doesn't do any good. He did what he did and hoping sadly won't change it. The only person that can decide things will be different is Dan and hon, he doesn't want to.
So let's get our happy back and move forward.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
BBJ don't beat yourself up... I really think that Nathan knows the truth already in his little heart. What he is looking for is for you to be honest with him so he knows he can trust you.
be as gentle as you can... but be honest with him or he will see right through you. Tell him you were hoping it would turn out different... explain that you are also hurt but tell him the truth. I wish I had learned that lesson when my boys were Nathan's age... instead by trying to protect them I damaged their trust in me.
You all are in my prayers.
and btw F Dan!!!!
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
