I'm not sure HOW I would have handled an anniversary whilst in limbo, T. I was just lucky the timing worked for me.
That's gotta be rough.
However I DO see you have a lot of positives here too!
Yes, I think the childcare thing IS a positive. He CARES and isn't looking to make things harder on you...He mentioned your two projects!
So why the snipe about the carpet? Well he probably ASSumed that he was going to have to foot the bill...worried about the financial and "other" implications of the sitch? and perhaps in his mind the new floor is not high on the list of priorities? Who can say for sure, but him!
At any rate, you deflated that nicely by having the cash yourself!
You have had so many positives, I think you have to expect him to test the water occasionally before he moves forward again... it's not just a forward dance. Be patient.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Thanks Shiny and Holdingon - your words brought tears to my eyes. I appreciate your thinking about what he might be feeling - I can usually do that myself, but in my current mindframe it has been too hard. You helped sooooo much.
I want to call him to apologize for my mood but will see what the day brings. I have to work on my gigs first so maybe this feeling will pass and I will let things ride. Who knows? I just want to make sure that his image of me is a positive one.
Anyway, thanks again. I'll run my thoughts here first because you folks are always such a great support system!
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
This sounds good. You conversation did not sound like he was eager for you to forgo the child care. Can you let that drop, is it really imperative that you save that money? I work from home and I feel pulled all the time--there is always work to be done and then I feel guilty because I'm ignoring the kids, etc. If you can get the work done while the kids are in child care and that can continue without putting you over the brink financially, I would seriously suggest continuing that. Good for your sanity.
Is he worrying about money? Sounds like the floor thing just highlighted something he is feeling about money?
He is doing things for you, helping you out, possibly his way of maintaining some type of contact with you while he is in his giant limbo state.
Sorry about the anniversary. Ours was last month and it so totally sucked, but we have a year to work on things before the next one!
You have snow already? I'm hoping we will have a light snow year, very steep driveway, so can't snow blow it, possibly I will be very strong by the end of the winter.
Totite, it is a giant rollercoaster, sometimes they are up and down and other times it is us. But, we can do this, you are strong and courageous, what is needed to give them the time and space to work on their crap.
So do the flylady mission, get rid of the crap underwear and buy some fun stuff--something you have never owned and have fun just knowing you are wearing it. I told S4 we were going to a girly store after preschool--he said know. I offered to pay him $1, still no, but when I said 100 pennies, he said sure. Never wore a thong, but Ellie swears by them.
Thanks for the great pick me up. And while we are on an underwear theme...I got an email from my H today simply asking me what I was wearing. I emailed back "what do you want me to wear?" and this playful exchange is still going on with one of the latest telling me he had a break before a meeting today. Unfortunately, the cyber time warp got us on that one.
It was interesting in that I had just emailed him an apology and when I hit send my inbox indicated his first message of the day. So he hadn't seen my email yet...and he still responded!
Yeah! I took a trip to Frederick's last week and to another place as well. I even tossed out everything white and cotton. And I agree that thongs are great - I never thought I'd say that - ever. But it's true.
BTW, one of his beefs is that we have been paying for child care while I "wasn't working" - even though I was on unemployment and did one gig last spring. I truly think what changed his mind on that is that I interviewed for and got offered that job in October that would have increased the child care cost and not brought in any money. Now with two gigs going on and for great money - he has seen the light ????
I'm happy to drop it as I love my two days to do chores, all the shopping, all appointments, help his mom and my folks, volunteer at school and did I mention - work my consulting gigs?
I am sure that he is worried about money. His added cost of living has eaten up all of our savings. It is ironic that one of the things that bugs him around here is the awful state of our floors in the main parts of the house, yet were it not for the increased expenses of his apartment, etc, we could afford anything we want. It costs more than double our mortgage for his rent and expenses. Talk about limboland!
Luckily, my income can cover the floors and help rebuild the savings. All will work out - right?
Thanks for the support! Your wisdom, along with the very suggestive conversation that I just had with my H on the phone , has my PMA on the upward curve again!
Thanks!
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
tot, It's a rollercoaster ride, that's for sure. But soon it will be flat and no rocky roads. H are good for PMA booster aren't they, you made me smile. I thought; been there done that. You'll be fine. I like wearing thongs sometimes, my regular underwear ends up in the crack anyhow! LOL So at lest with a thong there is less up there!LOL
LOL at the post Deb! All colors and lace in my drawer now. Told my H that my drawers are a regular Fredericks of Hollywood now.
Well, my H came over late on Monday and we just cuddled for a long time and then slipped into the bedroom for a quickie as it was after midnight.
I had alot of questions on the tip of my tongue but left them there. I will wait for his lead - and if he opens the door to a conversation I will ask a few of them.
H hasn't determined if he is going to TG at my sister's tomorrow. He said he would call later today. It is very low-key and small (11 total) so it wouldn't be bad for him. And my folks are treating him the same as always so he the only thing he would be uncomfortable with is his own behavior and choices.
Well, my work is calling because one of the projects I am working on is kicking off today and runs through the 10th. Also have S3 home sick today while S5 and D8 are at child care.
Have a great TG!
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
Hey, sounds like you are doing pretty well with things. Sorry about the anniversary, but hey...next year will be awesome! And you could always suggest to H that the two of you celebrate a belated anniversary, if things continue to keep improving.... Sounds like the intimacy is still ongoing which is good...keeps him connected to you. Also, he is trying by keeping you on insurance and helping with childcare to provide what he can for you...which is a very male indicator of love....he still wants to help take care of you! He's still very much involved!!!
Keep up the good PMA and keep up the great DB'ing...you're gonna make it! It takes time and patience, but you have both.
Hi all. Boy did I need you guys on TG, but I wasn't near a computer. In the end everything worked out so yeah for Dbing even when not near the BB!
On TG, it got to be noon and my kids and I were leaving for my sister's house. We hadn't heard anything from H so I could only assume that he wasn't going. D8 called him to wish him HTG. He said that he was sick and wasn't coming. Then he asked to speak to me.
My lack of response on the phone let him know that I was angry that he hadn't called (he said he had just woken up) and that he wasn't going due to illness (didn't believe him at first). I told him it was rude to not respond to an invitation. He said he didn't recall being invited. I said that we had discussed it at least twice and that I had specifically told my sister that she didn't have to call and invite him because I would do it. So hung up very upset and negative. Shed some tears, got in truck and drove to MIL to pick up some buns to take with. Felt unresolved, so called H again to ask him to call sister and let her know he wasn't coming. Told him I wasn't going to apologize for being angry and disappointed, but that he couldn't pass off his behavior on to me. Then got back into truck and gave phone to s3 and s5 to say HTG. When we arrived, my sister told me that H called to say he wasn't coming and that he sounded awful on the phone and was going back to bed.
So you may think it wasn't good DBing, however, I usually would have avoided his avoidance, so even this mild display of anger and disappointment was a 180. It let him know he can't get away with that type of behavior and thoughtlessness. (which, BTW, is out of character for my H, but not for the alien inside him now though)
After a pleasant TG dinner and a movie, my cell phone rang that evening. It was H calling to say goodnight to kids as he knew it would be a late evening and they would fall asleep on drive home. I then asked him what leftovers he wanted us to bring him. It was a pleasant conversation and he said he was feeling better.
Later, I am fast asleep when phone rings at almost midnight. It was H calling to see what I was doing. He hadn't looked at clock right so didn't know it was so late. He apologized and said for me to go back to sleep.
Friday, he worked part of day and then came over to move the outlet displaced when I knocked the wall down. He was very frisky and we ended up meeting downstairs in the laundry room while s3 was upstairs. Then later on again, , while kids were around. So I guess my anger at TG was forgotten by him - I know that I certainly did.
H had kids this weekend so I ripped up the carpeting and padding and tack strips and staples in the living and dining rooms. I was working on it when he brought them home yesterday. Without saying a word, he started to help me. Then he measured for the new sliding glass door that he is going to install. Now I have to go up and finish the hallway and stairs. Then I can measure for my new flooring. Hope to get it in this week still. It remains to be seen if we install it or pay for Home Depot to do it. Whatever!
So the roller coaster continues. I was at his place three times this weekend picking up and dropping off kids for various activities. On first visit, saw a notice from management company reminding him that it is time to consider if he is renewing his lease or not. Of course, I hope it's a not. On Sunday visit, notice wasn't there any more. Hope he ripped it up!
Well, need to go rip some more! Boy does my body ache from this one! What a workout....
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
, has my PMA on the upward curve again! 