Is this piecing?

[Freckle6]

Thought stopping? I suck at it. And guess what? I am suffering by it. Not H (ok, maybe I make him suffer a bit too when I spin downwards).

Please sit down and identify all the reasons you are hurting. Write them down. Then post them and lets look at them together.
K

OK,

Neg thoughts:
No more vacations as a family (my family of origin never went on vacations)
MIssing S when H takes him over night or on vacation
Jealousy of OW - what's she got that I aint got? How intense or not are his feelings for her (yet I refuse to ask)is this temporary or for good?
Hurt that he won't forgive and work on our problems.
Anger that I've turned around his prior complaints about me and worked to change and he still dumped me
Anger that he lied that we were working on our M when he was buying time until the legal sep was signed.
DOesn't want to look at himself or any ways to fix M
Raising my son in a broken home (my biggest fear - my parents went through hell but they never gave up on each other)
Anger that H is willing to blame all on me, get another girl and hide his head in the sand
Lonely
Feeling rejected and abandoned
All the cruel things H has said to me with no understanding how much it hurts - and then blames me for the things I"ve said and done in anger (yes, I've done many)
His conceit, condecention, and refusal to budge
His ease with which he walked away and thought we could just be friends without concern for what this is doing to me and S
This is the person who vowed to love me through thick and thin. It's been pretty thick at times, downright hellish, but I never thought he'd throw in the towel. I'm just in shock.
HIs assertion that because there is pain from the past, nothing will ever change - refusal to consider otherwise.
Knowing things could work out between us and feeling abandoned by someone who is scared and angry.
His conviction that raising a small child in two homes is not a big deal.
His preference to go to parties and have a gf rather than stay commited to his marriage.

Hope, I don't have any wise words about all of that, except you're not the only one to have all that on an endless loop running through your head. I remember some of those exact thoughts and struggling with them for years. There's not much to say other than it f****** sucks.

It does get a little better though. In the beginning those thoughts would have be sobbing myself to sleep multiple times a week. After a year or 4 (yeah, more like 4...), it had ebbed to once every few months and at least by then I could remind myself that it's happened before and it shakes off as quickly as it snuck back up.

The last time it happened was that the last Memorial Day I posted about where I burnt all the cards he had ever given me. Every half hour I'd have to hide in my basement crying and chain smoking. So yeah, I don't know if those thoughts will ever totally go away, but they do retreat for much longer periods of time as time passes. The stuff involving your son will be the stuff that sticks the longest because it blows seeing your child hurting and their life forever changing and there's nothing you can do about it or make it better.

I guess my suggestion if you can't stop these thoughts is to maybe give in to them and get it all out until you're too exhausted to cry or even think anymore. I hate to see you suffering over all this and then beating yourself up more because you can't stop thinking about what's upsetting you.

Hugs.