Is this piecing?

[Kalni]

Thought stopping? I suck at it. And guess what? I am suffering by it. Not H (ok, maybe I make him suffer a bit too when I spin downwards).

Please sit down and identify all the reasons you are hurting. Write them down. Then post them and lets look at them together.
K

[HeartsBlessing]

You are getting some great advice from the people here. All I can tell you is to get on with your life, and, as long as OW is in the picture, the marriage is not being worked on, although you both are using a MC.

The rollercoaster can be ridden for as long as you choose to ride; and you will have to realize you cannot fix him, or his issues, and just get on with your life; all the while leaving a door open for a period of time for him.

YOU are the only one you can control..and you'll need to deeply question yourself on your motives for continuing your stand for the marriage.

You are the only one who can answer the "what if" questions to your own satisfaction.

These are the only things that come to mind as I read the developments that have come up.

Questions to ask yourself:
Why are you still standing when he's bombed you a second time with another woman? What do you think you will gain,(other than continuing self growth) from this standing?


There comes a time when you have to totally let go, and let God..understanding that you've done ALL you can do.

Your mental health can only stand so much before it breaks apart, and you suffer a total nervous breakdown.

You seem to be getting too far sucked into his drama, although you're "dim". You're afraid of making the wrong move, and making a mistake within this. Don't worry about that; HE made a grave mistake, not YOU...and HE is the only one who can fix that, if he will.

You can only take care of YOU, focus on YOU, learn to deal with YOU.

There are NO guarantees in this life, and you have to do what's best for YOU, even if it means letting your husband go completely, moving on, and possibly watching him go totally the other way.

No one KNOWS what will happen whichever way you choose to go, but you will be fine, regardless of what happens.

If he follows, doing all he needs to do to help rebuild the marriage AFTER OW is dumped, that will be great, if not HIS loss, not yours.

[Lost Rabbit]

HB has it bang on Hope! honestly you have to get to the point where H no longer holds your life in his hands.. today mine nearly walked and tbh I just wanted to wave him off, one might say it was a very near miss, he may have felt the need to threaten not exactly in words but actions.. but believe me he doesnt know how near he was to be saying goodbye.. thats being detached knowing that its not the end of the world.. it might be horrid and in my case financially crippling but it cant get any worse than it is atm so what the heck! I just wish I could say some of this to him so sorry your ears got bent instead..

Hoping to get my hands on a new laptop soon so will be able to get back onboard with your sitch asap, although tonight I have gone upstairs to the study cos I really dont care if he needs me or not tonight!

Chin up girl we can do this

Rabbit huggs and kisses

[Freckle6]

Hope, going dim is for *you*, not as a tactic to get to him. It's for you to disengage, retreat to your "corner" and gather your strength back.

You are as strong as anyone here! Totally seriously, you are way strong! You've gotten through a year of hell already. And you're still here and kickin', right? Stop underestimating yourself.

Here I see an intelligent, funny, sweet, and very strong woman. Look at how many people you have chiming in on your thread here--here, at a section of the boards that gets very little traffic! Do you think we all are here because we see you as some pathetic blob? Not even close. I know your husband's said some awful things to you, but no has died and appointed him as the one who gets to decide what your faults are and your worth as a human being.

[Butterfly1]

Thought stopping? I suck at it. And guess what? I am suffering by it. Not H (ok, maybe I make him suffer a bit too when I spin downwards).

Please sit down and identify all the reasons you are hurting. Write them down. Then post them and lets look at them together.
K

OK,

Neg thoughts:
No more vacations as a family (my family of origin never went on vacations)
MIssing S when H takes him over night or on vacation
Jealousy of OW - what's she got that I aint got? How intense or not are his feelings for her (yet I refuse to ask)is this temporary or for good?
Hurt that he won't forgive and work on our problems.
Anger that I've turned around his prior complaints about me and worked to change and he still dumped me
Anger that he lied that we were working on our M when he was buying time until the legal sep was signed.
DOesn't want to look at himself or any ways to fix M
Raising my son in a broken home (my biggest fear - my parents went through hell but they never gave up on each other)
Anger that H is willing to blame all on me, get another girl and hide his head in the sand
Lonely
Feeling rejected and abandoned
All the cruel things H has said to me with no understanding how much it hurts - and then blames me for the things I"ve said and done in anger (yes, I've done many)
His conceit, condecention, and refusal to budge
His ease with which he walked away and thought we could just be friends without concern for what this is doing to me and S
This is the person who vowed to love me through thick and thin. It's been pretty thick at times, downright hellish, but I never thought he'd throw in the towel. I'm just in shock.
HIs assertion that because there is pain from the past, nothing will ever change - refusal to consider otherwise.
Knowing things could work out between us and feeling abandoned by someone who is scared and angry.
His conviction that raising a small child in two homes is not a big deal.
His preference to go to parties and have a gf rather than stay commited to his marriage.

[flowmom]

You're getting some great advice Hope .

And boy, can I relate to almost all of your fears and negative thoughts .(((hugs)))

[Butterfly1]

And thank you friends for all your support!!!!

STrangely H is still willing to work on our issues in MC - even if he places them "in the past" ...it's hard to understand.

So we're going to talk about our anger, and our sexual issues - the two that broke us up. Trying to hold no expectations. but thank god after a year we can talk.

[avermont]

Hope--

First I have to huff with indignation about "those" theatre people! The good old days of sitting around the theatre with your profs smoking are gone...

2nd: thought stopping: I struggled, too. Tried the rubber band trick. At least my wrist hurt enough after an hour of snapping the band that I had something else to think about.

About making it: just the other day, I said to myself: I can't take this one moment more. I'm not going to make it. Then I heard Byron Katie in my head:
"I am making it this moment. How do I know? because here I am, walking--for just this moment--across the floor. And here's another moment--just walking across the floor."

So I can take it, and make it, "another moment." I may not like it. I may not want to. But I can do it.

And so can you.

If you haven't looked up Byron Katie, The Work online, please see if you have a possible moment to do so. Flowmom and I have found it VERY helpful.

We're all here for you.

Here's my spin on a Biblical quote: Save tomorrow for tomorrow. Sufficient for today is breathing, your friends, your S, getting through each moment by moment.

[Freckle6]

Thought stopping? I suck at it. And guess what? I am suffering by it. Not H (ok, maybe I make him suffer a bit too when I spin downwards).

Please sit down and identify all the reasons you are hurting. Write them down. Then post them and lets look at them together.
K

OK,

Neg thoughts:
No more vacations as a family (my family of origin never went on vacations)
MIssing S when H takes him over night or on vacation
Jealousy of OW - what's she got that I aint got? How intense or not are his feelings for her (yet I refuse to ask)is this temporary or for good?
Hurt that he won't forgive and work on our problems.
Anger that I've turned around his prior complaints about me and worked to change and he still dumped me
Anger that he lied that we were working on our M when he was buying time until the legal sep was signed.
DOesn't want to look at himself or any ways to fix M
Raising my son in a broken home (my biggest fear - my parents went through hell but they never gave up on each other)
Anger that H is willing to blame all on me, get another girl and hide his head in the sand
Lonely
Feeling rejected and abandoned
All the cruel things H has said to me with no understanding how much it hurts - and then blames me for the things I"ve said and done in anger (yes, I've done many)
His conceit, condecention, and refusal to budge
His ease with which he walked away and thought we could just be friends without concern for what this is doing to me and S
This is the person who vowed to love me through thick and thin. It's been pretty thick at times, downright hellish, but I never thought he'd throw in the towel. I'm just in shock.
HIs assertion that because there is pain from the past, nothing will ever change - refusal to consider otherwise.
Knowing things could work out between us and feeling abandoned by someone who is scared and angry.
His conviction that raising a small child in two homes is not a big deal.
His preference to go to parties and have a gf rather than stay commited to his marriage.

Hope, I don't have any wise words about all of that, except you're not the only one to have all that on an endless loop running through your head. I remember some of those exact thoughts and struggling with them for years. There's not much to say other than it f****** sucks.

It does get a little better though. In the beginning those thoughts would have be sobbing myself to sleep multiple times a week. After a year or 4 (yeah, more like 4...), it had ebbed to once every few months and at least by then I could remind myself that it's happened before and it shakes off as quickly as it snuck back up.

The last time it happened was that the last Memorial Day I posted about where I burnt all the cards he had ever given me. Every half hour I'd have to hide in my basement crying and chain smoking. So yeah, I don't know if those thoughts will ever totally go away, but they do retreat for much longer periods of time as time passes. The stuff involving your son will be the stuff that sticks the longest because it blows seeing your child hurting and their life forever changing and there's nothing you can do about it or make it better.

I guess my suggestion if you can't stop these thoughts is to maybe give in to them and get it all out until you're too exhausted to cry or even think anymore. I hate to see you suffering over all this and then beating yourself up more because you can't stop thinking about what's upsetting you.

Hugs.

[Butterfly1]

MC went badly. We have to work on communicating well or we're never going to get through anything - from coparenting, divorce, reconsiliation, etc....

yet H kept saying it was a waste of time to talk about what we do to "hurt each others feelings" that it is a distraction from "real issues". I held my position that it is not only an important issue and a prerequisite for getting to the bigger issues, that for me it has always been a core issue. And like right now, I have always felt in our marriage that he dismissed the importance of my feelings on this matter - added to the destruction of our marriage and is blocking any improvement in our relationship from now on - either as divorced parents or as reconsiled couple.

MC agreed.

H argued it and called the whole session a waste of time. He wants to control everything, as usual. Yet, when the MC asked what H wanted to talk about, he said nothing.

So there you have it. THe wall. I said what I had to say and if communication goes sour from now on, I can know I tried to make it better.

So next week I'll do what he thinks he wants just dive into the big issues. SEe if what he wants really is what he wants.