Friday was awkward being alone. I got rid of one stressor - where to move if we build a new house (I accepted the spot she preferred). Felt angry that W's requests to separate/divorce over the last months have led to this and to hurting our kids.
Had a great GAL day on Saturday. After leaving home at 6am, I went for a long drive to go hiking and did lots of staring out into the beautiful valley in our mountain parks. It snowed off and on...felt great to have the cold on my skin. Completed some of my addiction book. Did a "mind map" of what negative interactions W and I have and how they connect. Planned to do a positive one later.
Didn't plan on it, but my cell was out of power, so it was nice to have the phone calls end from home. Talked to my kids and told them I needed a "timeout" because I had swore at their mother. I reminded them it is wrong and that they know I don't believe swearing is ever OK. Coming to accept that I am angry with both me and her. Mostly angry that she won't commit fully to me and put her grievances aside even through I have been trying to do that even when I didn't even love her.
Got back to the city, got a call from home and we talked. Got into a fight, too. I suddenly wanted to go dark...but that wouldn't help "us" as a couple. I realized on Thursday that moving out or fully separating would help me really process all the stress so I could fully accept the work I need to do to be happy with W. It isn't worth the risk of losing any of the ground I've made in the last two months, though.
Stuck with a few main questions: - Why can't she accept me with my sin/problem now but she could for the 11 years prior to me confessing?
- Why does she see this WORSE than adultery? (her words)
- I really want to go back to her fully. Last night, I asked if she wanted a hug and she did, so we hugged passionately for a while. Felt great. But if I give up on separating now, am I just going to be going back to the rollercoaster that has left me a basketcase for 7 months?
- What emotional needs am I really ready to settle with unsatisfied?
- Even if we get past this huge hurdle of her emotional state and my one issue, will I be ready for the other R problems?
I am angry with her. My love is there, but I am angry. How could she do this to me when I need her most. We aren’t BOTH struggling, I am. She’s had this knowledge for a while. I need to go back to spending time thinking after prayer (our prayer is kind of physical, like yoga)
- Am I working for a M that is doomed despite the strong feelings of love I had built?
What did I realize about myself on Sunday? (My day to be with the kids alone) - I don’t like being a single father - I don’t like fighting with Sam all the time; it makes me feel insecure as a person (self-esteem issue of my own?) - I am frustrated that I couldn't get her to accept my influence or teach her new skills - I am confused, but see light on both ends of the tunnel. I really know a happy marriage is the side I want to come out on.
