Puppy, I thought the affair was ended in early March because I confronted her several times. She told me she would stop talking to him and the internet chat did stop and she removed him from Facebook. I thought we were on the road to recovery, and then out of the blue last weekend, the texting started up. I am having a very difficult time thinking about even going to an attorney because I feel like I am throwing in the towel. I know I should for my own interests, but I just can't right now because I love my wife and family so much I will put every bit of effort I have in saving my marriage. I have such a deep love for this woman I can't give up and my family is the single most important thing to me.
Going to see a good family law attorney -- preferably one who specializes in "men's rights" and paternal custody and such -- has absolutely NOTHING TO DO with whether or not you love your wife, or are "throwing in the towel," Ken. It's simply good common sense to protect yourself, when you yourself said your wife has been threatening to make sure you don't get to see your kids.
There are laws in place to protect you. I strongly suggest you learn more about your rights and responsibilities. Do NOT tell your wife you are doing this; just go get an initial consultation (most are free).
Puppy, I thought the affair was ended in early March because I confronted her several times. She told me she would stop talking to him and the internet chat did stop and she removed him from Facebook. I thought we were on the road to recovery, and then out of the blue last weekend, the texting started up. I am having a very difficult time thinking about even going to an attorney because I feel like I am throwing in the towel. I know I should for my own interests, but I just can't right now because I love my wife and family so much I will put every bit of effort I have in saving my marriage. I have such a deep love for this woman I can't give up and my family is the single most important thing to me.
Going to see a good family law attorney -- preferably one who specializes in "men's rights" and paternal custody and such -- has absolutely NOTHING TO DO with whether or not you love your wife, or are "throwing in the towel," Ken. It's simply good common sense to protect yourself, when you yourself said your wife has been threatening to make sure you don't get to see your kids.
There are laws in place to protect you. I strongly suggest you learn more about your rights and responsibilities. Do NOT tell your wife you are doing this; just go get an initial consultation (most are free).
Puppy
Some of us are going to participate in "fathers rights" groups to learn all our rights. I'm in a situation today, and not just talking about myself, because you may be in it. I am legally married, my state does not recognize seperation. I am currently "kicked out" of the apartment ( her name is on lease ), and I don't really have access to my children.
I don't know my rights here, and don't want the police called. So I'm going to be forced to learn my rights and think that participating in a "fathers rights" group will be a surefire and very fast way to learn what my rights are.
I don't even think I can be kicked out. I also know that in my situation, there is something called "shared custody", also I'm hearing she can't take them out of state without making me aware. I have to learn down to the letter what my rights are in this situation.
Puppy, I thought the affair was ended in early March because I confronted her several times. She told me she would stop talking to him and the internet chat did stop and she removed him from Facebook. I thought we were on the road to recovery, and then out of the blue last weekend, the texting started up. I am having a very difficult time thinking about even going to an attorney because I feel like I am throwing in the towel. I know I should for my own interests, but I just can't right now because I love my wife and family so much I will put every bit of effort I have in saving my marriage. I have such a deep love for this woman I can't give up and my family is the single most important thing to me.
Dan, So one lesson you can learn here is that when you thought your W's word was good about no contact w OM, she only went deeper underground w it . Learn.
The other thing I think you should understand is that you can hire an attorney and save your M at the same time. My dear H hired an attorney - a big bulldog of a lawyer when I left him to protect himself and our family. And I can promise you that all he ever wanted was to preserve our family. Just bc you have legal advice does not mean you are throwing in the towel. My opinion is that you would be foolish not to seek legal counsel. FOOLISH! Your W is gearing up to leave you, Dan. You need to get your ducks in a row. The less help you have legally, the easier you make it for her to walk away. I need you to know that it was the legal tactic that my H took which gave me te pause I needed to see what I was facing. It made me think twice and that was the second thought that turned the tide.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
I believe you are still in shock over the actions of your W and the advice you've been given hasn't really sunk in, as of yet. It is normal to hope that everything will work out, but it won't work out unless you take charge. Being passive will not work and you have not gone past that concept yet.
Quote:
I just want my wife back so I can prove to her I can be the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with.
I understand what you mean,but this intent is pouring through your behavior as a "desparate" man and it turns her off. She is the one having an A. She is the wayward spouse. Don't run after her, pleading with her to give you a chance to prove your love.
I know you think your story is extraordinary, but every LBH loves his W the way you love yours. Every LBH feels by his kids the way you do. You do not have to convince us how much you love them. Neither can this be an exception or an excuse for not following good advice.
You must decide what the deal breaker is for your M and you must stick to a plan and not be back and forth with it. As much as it hurts, you have to face the fact that your W has left you for another man. Just b/c she is still in the same house does not mean she hasn't emotionally left you. So, face the fact that this MR is over. If you handle things the way you are advised, there is a good chance that a new MR will be possible with the same woman. But you have to see things as they really are and take charge instead of sitting down, wondering "why" she is doing this. Are you ready to listen and to follow through?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am trying as hard as possible to be the better person in this situation even though my wife is entangled in this affair
How do you mean this? I know what the statement means,but how do "you" mean that you are trying to be the better person?
My question is "how can you be the better person", when over time they WAS is addicted to cheating on you? It doesn't matter who it is, usually there will be someone else. There may have been resentments that where building, and in some cases issues of "entitlement". Once they have gotten used to cheating you, its hard to get back to a respect and love viewpoint.
I don't post here that much any more (partly due to sleep deprivation *grin*) but I hope you don't mind if I chime in a bit Dan.
Take a look at the last few posts if nothing else. What Sandi said about the advice not sinking in and making / sticking to a plan are basic and powerful pointers.
It's unbelievable how low an LBS can sink, and I think you're well on your way there. That's not an insult by the way, I've been there. You're even trying to justify to US that W is not a horrible woman. Well, whatever, but she is behaving horribly now.
If you go through many of the threads here, you'll realise your best recourse may be to accept and embrace the fact that you're already a dead man walking. Marriage is a two party deal and your W has checked out a long time ago. You're not "giving her up". She's not your possession and she is lost to you right now whether you like it or not.
Quit being a victim, be a man. Be a better man for yourself, not what you think your W may see, or what may please her. Your W has to at least start to respect you again if you are to have any chance. That respect has to be RECLAIMED and clawed back. She's not going to hand it over to you on a platter. Passive behaviour is not going to help. Being a doormat is not going to help. Letting her actions and words dictate your own is not. Trying to convince her you love her is not. Making excuses is not. Asking for advice and letting your emotions rule you anyway is not.
You may love your W, but love yourself first. Irrespective of who she is to you, would you let someone totally disrespect you, your family, your honor, spit in your face, trample on you, and go back for more? Be the man that she will completely regret having driven away. Treat her with compassion when the time is right sure, but for now be confident of your self-worth and dignity. You're a MAN, someone decent. intelligent women want.
You don't respect yourself, don't expect her to. And if she doesn't respect you, your chances are like that white cold ball of ice in a very, very hot place.
It's not easy, many here know that. It's darn hard. Chances of failure are high. Even if you succeed in the end, it's a long, long, painful road. But please think about that first step you are taking. Good luck!
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
