gardener--there's nothing wrong with appropriate anger, especially at this stage of things. besides, it sounds as if you regained your composure and serenity relatively quickly.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Dinner with long-time best bud last night. Great time. At one point, I went out to my truck to get something. When I came back, saw an attractive woman (late 30s) outside, looking upset, cigarette in mouth, frantically fumbling through her purse, seemingly holding back tears.
I offered her a light. "Thank you," says she. "You're welcome."
And then, completely, inexplicably, 180ing out of my "under the radar" comfort zone, I found myself introducing myself. She did the same.
I then said, "Some might find this offensive and if you do, I apologize. But may I say that you are one very pretty woman." "Why, thank you! How nice of you."
Regarding obvious tears, I said, "I hope your night gets better." She said, "It just did. Thank you."
That was it. She felt better. I felt good. I had stepped outside that "zone." Wasn't looking for a pick-up or anything.
And then I went back inside to my friend after a most uncharacteristic, non-Gardener initiated exchange.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I was reading a book regarding healing from broken relationships, that venus and mars one. It made an interesting point in the way men and women grieve about the loss of a relationship. I have pointed this out before, so bear with me if you have read it.
Men and women generally deny one key ingredient to the grieving process. Women tend to skip the anger phase, rather taking the blame onto themselves. Men tend to skip the sadness/sorrow phase, rather having been taught to be a man and suck it up. Both elements are key to being able to overcome the loss of a relationship. So I think that you are doing well in the fact that you are allowing yourself to grieve, and in the long run, that will make you a stronger man.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I don't have much of a leg to stand on regarding the anger issues. I've been raked over the coals pretty hard here in the DB forums for venting here and the (wrongly-assumed) perception I might let those emotions out before my children. (If that were the actual case, I'd fully agree, but I won't get off on that tangent now.)
I will say that I can whole-heartedly agree with what the others have said about anger -- it is indeed a part of the process. And in fact, if one does not properly vent the natural and expected anger we feel from a given situation, especially one so extreme as D and its aftermath, we are only laying the foundation for a fall later -- either a breakdown, sickness or some other physiological and/or mental reaction.
Having said that, the simple fact is there is no sin in anger itself, only in what we do with it. As the Apostle Paul said, "Be Angry and Sin Not." So don't worry about it. Vent here and in other healthy ways, and do not let your emotions lead you astray. Feel your emotions, work your way through them, but do not let them master you.
Very cool about stepping out of your comfort zone Gardener!
I'm late to this, but like the others said, some anger is part of the process. Appropriate anger is not a bad thing- it's properly vented, and you obviously recovered quickly. I think it can be a powerful motivator sometimes, and help give us the backbone to enforce boundaries. I doubt your xW would have changed her tune like she did if she hadn't picked up on your anger.
