5 weeks left to DB - need help with my plan

[newmama]

Hi Piano!

wow 4 weeks will feel like forever due to the anticipation I bet! It did for me!

I don't see H as "mine" but he is not "hers" either- he is an alien! lol!

I was bothered by OW spending time with S. But it is only one overnight session per week. An advantage of me letting H still come over here to S (among other things) is that it is less time OW gets to be with him. And I bet it pisses OW off that I am here too! haha!

I don't think OW will hurt S or anything so I just am annoyed that she sees him, not scared or threatened.

[Piano]

Hi NM, it's a very strange waiting game, with all that is going on... Do babies often bring more strength?

[newmama]

I think babies bring external motivation you know? We are forced to dig deeeeep down and find our strength to meet their needs while we are sleep deprived, sore, hungry, moody, depressed...and when they smile, laugh and snuggle us it makes it allll the worthwhile!!!!

I haven't been sick yet so I don't know how that would work-but I bet I would be able to still take care of him!

[Piano]

journaling:

- met with WAH two days ago. I gave him the 'wont be friends' speech (practiced it and came out a charm). when he said he'd never lied that the OW was still there, i put up my hand , said 'stop - no more lies, it's disrespectful'. it worked.

- told him i was walking away, that I didn't want this M anymore, he was right, it's not possible today.

- said he would bring OW to live in this country if he finds work, otherwise he will go back to live with her in Europe.

- wont give gurantees about being around. but says 'we can't write the future - anything could happen'.

- he would like the baby to take both our names. He presented for the first time a list of 20 or so possible first names. I just listened.

- i asked him how parenting session with the coach went (actually the DB coach but he doesn't know it). Said it was ok but was it really worth it? she suggested ways he could have a relationship with the baby - such as letters, skype, visits to see her here, her travelling to see him

- hasn't mentioned being present for the birth or asked when he can first come and see the baby.

- I told him his decision to leave his new family/unborn child was the saddest thing I'd ever heard, but saddest of all for the child.

- said he was getting sick of people talking about how this is effecting the baby. he said he was more worried about me. said 'the baby will be fine whatever happens'.

- he admits to be being "too tired" to do the right thing.

BIL reports WAH is crying all the time. He went white, started shaking and crying when BIL said we had bought the baby cot and installed it.

He cries mostly at night, according to BIL. He is scared of dying, of fatherhood, of the baby being sick.

WAH follows up crying to BIL with "but I know I am dong the right thing and i am prepared to lose everyone over this, even you'.

BIL and I think WAH is deep in nervous breakdown and very scared by the disjuncture between WAH's TALK and EMOTIONS.

After much scratching of heads, BIL and I feel the only way to get through to WAH is to drop all LOGIC, and go for EMOTIONS. eg. the baby cot. WAH responds deeply to this sort of event, more than talk.

Aslo thought that if we keep telling WAH how bad all this is, he will never find the HOPE to see another way is possible.

[Piano]

What to do next:

1. Backburn him until after the birth (line: 'you are a crap father and I won't negotiate with you')

or

2. Agree to discuss in person baby related things (line: 'you're right, this M is dead in the water but we still have to communicate about baby).

[newmama]

Piano, after reading about your last discussion with H, this stands out:

hasn't mentioned being present for the birth or asked when he can first come and see the baby.

Did you ask him to be present? Do you want him to come and see the baby? I think this is very important and worth asking him as soon as possible.Sorry, it's your life, but it might give you some indication as to his commitment level regarding fatherhood (meaning some involvement versus no involvement). Basically if he is not into his daughter, then legally you can get sole custody and find a better father in the future. I AM SORRY if that sounds harsh!!! Like I have said before, if I had any indication that WH was not into S, I was planning on Ding him pronto. I PROMISE- I was waiting to see how his reaction to his son would be. Then he was overwhlemed with love (not enough to leave OW but he has been regularly involved)

So I think it is worth finding out if he want to be present (IF YOU want him to be) and when he wants to see her. Then avoid him til the birth- ha! This is my opinion and I will butt out now!!!

[gatsby11]

Thanks for journaling. It's really interesting what you have heard. (Sounds an awful lot like my WH. . .)

"I know I am doing the right thing"-- no, he doesn't. But he is convinced he's doing what he has to do, I think.

You're right that there are two options: avoid him until after the birth or discuss baby-related things until then.

I think there is a sort of middle ground option (which is really option 2 with conditions): email only the baby info you want to talk about. Things that are really important are:

+ Child Support (have you guys worked this out already?)
+ His role in the birth (or non-role!)
+ A time for him to officially meet the baby after the birth

It's very low contact so you can GAL and detach but you can get fully ready for the event. Just my opinion.

After his initial meeting with the baby, then you two can plan for future visitation.

I made my list of things to do to get ready for the baby! So much still to do: find a pediatrician, get a carseat, pack my hospital bag. . . how are you doing on those things?

[Piano]

Did you ask him to be present? Do you want him to come and see the baby? I think this is very important and worth asking him as soon as possible.

Hi NM, well I asked him in the beginning when things weren't so bad, and he was ambivalent.
By all means, i want him to see his baby, and he has every right to also. But I reckon he needs to do the work and ask me.
I'm going dark until the birth.

[Piano]

Hey Gatsby,
As he's still unemployed (the job market here is baaaad) I cannot get Child Support. I will ask for it as soon as he is earning.
I am assuming he wants a non role in the birth- otherwise he would have asked, right? I invited him to come to all the classes and be part of it in the beginning... don't want to be a broken record.
As for meeting the baby, again he has not asked for anything yet.I plan to call him or have a relative call him while i'm in labour, and then he'll get another call letting him know when we are ready for his visit. Does that sound fair?

Good on you for doing your list! I need to pack a hoppy bag, tomorrow I am meeting with the my private midwife to go through the birth plan (wish I'd done this earlier cos am more fuzzy headed these days), and practice, practice, practice my deep breathing. yikes.

[Piano]

New stuff.

Decided I needed to do a second round of A exposure. I think everyone was conveniently hoping the A had died - but no, it just went underground.

So today I exposed again (and respectfully) to select family and friends in WAH, my and OW's circle.

One common friend decided to write to WAH immediately. I've just been sent a copy of the email. The frined has had a huge go at WAH - a very firm and brutal stand about the damage he is doing, and how he will carry it forever, and how he is gutless and how this friend does not want to know this "new" WAH anymore.

I would like email the friend and say thanks for sticking up for me although it's a tone I don't approve of. Do I need to distance myself in any way?