My Heart is Breaking #14

[AliSuddenly]

It has been by far one of the hardest things I have ever been thru. If you would have told me 3 years ago, that I would be divorced, my ex would be in Laos with a woman he didn't really know & now they have a baby, I would have thought that would be the craziest thing...
I know I have to let go, I'm trying, I really am!! But he is my family, I spent 18 years with him, dating & married & just thought we would grow old together. All these pictures we have are of our life, my life! Now he is gone. It is worse than death. There are things that I've done in the house sometimes I think, I can't wait for him to see what I've done. Just little things like that, I know I've got to stop it but it's just so hard.

Snodderly, you are right, once again another bombshell! It just hurts. I know God has a plan for me, I will be glad when I know what that plan is, but I also know He does it in His own time & I am trying very hard to be patient, not something I'm very good at but I'm trying.

I did read on the internet that it is not that easy to adopt in Laos unless you know someone or pay someone a lot of money & to get them to register for a US citizen, which they are going to do later on this year, they have to also go by US adoption laws. I just don't understand how someone that has been married as many times has this woman has, how they can allow them to adopt & at their age too. Age was a problem for me & my ex when we were trying & we were in our early 40's. I just wonder if this was done illegally.

Hey NTL, I used to post to you, but havent in a while. Its a terrible thing when men leave in this way, its very cruel and what has happened to you is very hard. 3 years on, you are still in shock it seems.

It doesnt matter how or why they adopted, thats their life and not yours. You need to work on your own life and get more help, for yourself. You need help to get to a point of acceptance that he is gone. From what I read, you have no contact with him at all. He has never shown any doubt, indecision or even attempted to remain friends with you.

You could write to him and ask him for some help with closure? You could say you realise and accept that he has chosen a new partner and new life and that you wish him well, but that you just need some help in putting your R and the past behind you. That you would appreciate a chance to have a conversation or a letter from him, perhaps explaining why he left and how he views your years together. I dont know of the exact wording you could use, or what you would need from him to help you move on, but maybe a counsellor would help you?

OR, you get more help in moving on yourself, without a letter or input from your ex.

The fact he has adopted a baby with his new wife, is not really evidence of anything except that rightly, or wrongly, he is getting on with his life. To say you feel sorry for it, is not very charitable, or christian, IMHO. That baby was facing a familyless life in an orphanage. It will now get raised by a couple, who, given their ages, have alot of life experience and maybe she will be a better parent 2nd time around, who knows? if you had explored adoption, but had problems adopting, its clearly something your ex was planning to do/wanting to do and has chosen to do that abroad where the rules ARE more relaxed.

Also, you often refer to her as "a woman he hardly knows".. well, did you feel that he he hardly knew YOU after you had been together that long? He dropped the bomb in 2007 didnt he? Perhaps you need to reframe that, because they have been together over 3 years now, so he must know her well by now and its not helpful to continue to not see the reality of his life, its not helping you move on.

I think it is unhealthy that people on your thread continue to urge you to be patient and expect him to return. He has remarried and moved abroad and has not maintained any contact with you, so there is very little, if any evidence, that that is a likely outcome to all of this.

Its a terribly, terribly, bitter blow you have been dealt in life, noone is denying that and you deserve all the support and hugs you need, but you do only get one life and I am sure God would not want you to waste it being so unhappy and parlysed with grief? Surely there is some new direction your life could now take that would serve you and God better?

You clearly need more help to get past this 'bereavement' and your R with him and you need a new purpose in life. Your exH clearly has done, he has a new life abroad, a new wife and family. Of course it is hard, but he has CHOSEN to change his life and people can sometimes do that, it does happen. It doesnt necessarily mean that he has gone 'mad' or is out of his mind and living a lie. But, IF he ever does come back from Laos, so be it, maybe he would also want to come back to you, but you have to live your life now, 3 years on, as though he never is going to, IMHO. I also think you should do yourself a favour and put away the photographs and stop torturing yourself looking at them. You should only be looking at them, when it no longer hurts and you can look back with sadness yes, but not such suffering.

Are you seeing a counseller? Are you working on maybe finding a new life partner? What do you think ?
Hugs to you, Al xx