n, I know that you are a smart lady, but be sure to document everything and take down the names of the people you talk to along with their titles and phone numbers. Every little tidbit will help if you have to go the way of a lawyer.
I see that the storms have been pretty bad in some states near you. I hope things aren't that bad in your area.
Take care.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am surprised they could adopt a baby. Usually you have to be married a certain number of years as well as a certain age.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Thank you for saying I'm smart, I just don't feel like it right now. I appreciate the advice & yes, I will do that. I just hope I don't have to hire a lawyer.
I know what you mean Trusting, I knew she was trying this but I really didn't think they would be able to adopt, especially at their age!! I guess the laws are not as strict in Laos as they are here.
It has made me very sad! I guess I never expected this, well I know none of us on this site never expected to be here. He told me when we couldn't have kids that he didn't care as long as we had each other that was all we needed. They like to scuba dive & go places, with a baby that is not going to be like that. They can't put the baby in a kennel like they did their dog.
I know I have to move on & I'm doing pretty good, this just threw me. I guess I really always thought, because of the love we had for each other, that he would be back. He didn't like women like her, I used to work for someone like her, except the woman I worked for wasn't this bad, but he didn't like her at all & didn't want me around her outside of work very much. His best friend told me last year that he didn't even know him, he was so spineless, no backbone, no imput, no control, she had total control over him. Scary.
Ok, sorry I didn't mean to vent, I guess I just needed to a little bit.
I just read your last post and am sorry that you are dealing with this! Sounds right for MLC does't it? Opposite of what they were? This is a great place to vent! Just wanted to say that I am thinking of you!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
Thank you for thinking about me!! It has been very hard & it just all happened so suddenly. We were happy, he walked in said I want a divorce & I had no clue! He didn't know her, she lived in another state & they met on a scuba diving trip, 2 months later he wanted a D.
I just keep thinking it's going to end, I know the baby is just another trap for him but he also has a part in it too. So, who knows where his mind is.
Yes, from everything I've read it does sound right for MLC.
Thanks for letting me vent!!! I don't come here as much as I used to but I still think & pray for everyone on here. We are all in so much pain.
Ditto! I didn't know there were any problems in my marraige either...well, not true...H has been in MlC for about 10yrs...I didn't know that until recently. Many things have happened in that time period but I "adapted" to his changed behaviors over the years!
Thanks for posting on my thread! Glad we are all here for each other!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
Hi nlt, Glad to see you posting again. I read your entire sitch a while back and couldn't help but be impressed how you've handled it with such grace and dignity.
n, I'm so sorry that things have turned out the way that they have, but God does have a reason for all of this and it will be revealed in time. I do suspect that he's still deep in depression and whatever she says goes for him at this time. He is the exact opposite of the man you knew and that's one of the signs of mlc. Also, the way that he's run away and allowed her to take control of his life, it is almost like she's his "mother" these days. Was his mother like this, do you know?
As for the child, maybe in that country you can adopt at that age. I just find it very strange that with their ages, time in that country, etc., they would allow this. I'm just surprised by the adoption laws over there. Time will tell on this one. I do hope that they will give the child a good home.
I know that this news has thrown you, but you need to find a way to let it go. Time is on your side and you just never know what the future holds for you, i.e., whether he wakes up, returns to you or another door opens and someone else comes into your life. I do believe God has a special plan for each and every person who walks this earth. Sometimes we know and can accomplish what needs to be done and other times, he tears things apart and rebuilds a new and better scenario for us.
You know you can always come here to vent. We are here for you and understand what it is like to have such news dropped in your lap once again.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Seeking answers, thank you so much for complimenting me on how I handled my sitch, I don't feel like I did very well! It has been by far one of the hardest things I have ever been thru. If you would have told me 3 years ago, that I would be divorced, my ex would be in Laos with a woman he didn't really know & now they have a baby, I would have thought that would be the craziest thing, that someone was making it up, that it was a movie script! Unbelievable!
I know I have to let go, I'm trying, I really am!! But he is my family, I spent 18 years with him, dating & married & just thought we would grow old together. All these pictures we have are of our life, my life! Now he is gone. It is worse than death. There are things that I've done in the house sometimes I think, I can't wait for him to see what I've done. Just little things like that, I know I've got to stop it but it's just so hard.
Snodderly, you are right, once again another bombshell! It just hurts. I know God has a plan for me, I will be glad when I know what that plan is, but I also know He does it in His own time & I am trying very hard to be patient, not something I'm very good at but I'm trying.
I did read on the internet that it is not that easy to adopt in Laos unless you know someone or pay someone a lot of money & to get them to register for a US citizen, which they are going to do later on this year, they have to also go by US adoption laws. I just don't understand how someone that has been married as many times has this woman has, how they can allow them to adopt & at their age too. Age was a problem for me & my ex when we were trying & we were in our early 40's. I just wonder if this was done illegally. I guess they knew someone.
Well, enough venting for tonight. Thank you all so much for letting me get on here & vent!!
It has been by far one of the hardest things I have ever been thru. If you would have told me 3 years ago, that I would be divorced, my ex would be in Laos with a woman he didn't really know & now they have a baby, I would have thought that would be the craziest thing... I know I have to let go, I'm trying, I really am!! But he is my family, I spent 18 years with him, dating & married & just thought we would grow old together. All these pictures we have are of our life, my life! Now he is gone. It is worse than death. There are things that I've done in the house sometimes I think, I can't wait for him to see what I've done. Just little things like that, I know I've got to stop it but it's just so hard.
Snodderly, you are right, once again another bombshell! It just hurts. I know God has a plan for me, I will be glad when I know what that plan is, but I also know He does it in His own time & I am trying very hard to be patient, not something I'm very good at but I'm trying.
I did read on the internet that it is not that easy to adopt in Laos unless you know someone or pay someone a lot of money & to get them to register for a US citizen, which they are going to do later on this year, they have to also go by US adoption laws. I just don't understand how someone that has been married as many times has this woman has, how they can allow them to adopt & at their age too. Age was a problem for me & my ex when we were trying & we were in our early 40's. I just wonder if this was done illegally.
Hey NTL, I used to post to you, but havent in a while. Its a terrible thing when men leave in this way, its very cruel and what has happened to you is very hard. 3 years on, you are still in shock it seems.
It doesnt matter how or why they adopted, thats their life and not yours. You need to work on your own life and get more help, for yourself. You need help to get to a point of acceptance that he is gone. From what I read, you have no contact with him at all. He has never shown any doubt, indecision or even attempted to remain friends with you.
You could write to him and ask him for some help with closure? You could say you realise and accept that he has chosen a new partner and new life and that you wish him well, but that you just need some help in putting your R and the past behind you. That you would appreciate a chance to have a conversation or a letter from him, perhaps explaining why he left and how he views your years together. I dont know of the exact wording you could use, or what you would need from him to help you move on, but maybe a counsellor would help you?
OR, you get more help in moving on yourself, without a letter or input from your ex.
The fact he has adopted a baby with his new wife, is not really evidence of anything except that rightly, or wrongly, he is getting on with his life. To say you feel sorry for it, is not very charitable, or christian, IMHO. That baby was facing a familyless life in an orphanage. It will now get raised by a couple, who, given their ages, have alot of life experience and maybe she will be a better parent 2nd time around, who knows? if you had explored adoption, but had problems adopting, its clearly something your ex was planning to do/wanting to do and has chosen to do that abroad where the rules ARE more relaxed.
Also, you often refer to her as "a woman he hardly knows".. well, did you feel that he he hardly knew YOU after you had been together that long? He dropped the bomb in 2007 didnt he? Perhaps you need to reframe that, because they have been together over 3 years now, so he must know her well by now and its not helpful to continue to not see the reality of his life, its not helping you move on.
I think it is unhealthy that people on your thread continue to urge you to be patient and expect him to return. He has remarried and moved abroad and has not maintained any contact with you, so there is very little, if any evidence, that that is a likely outcome to all of this.
Its a terribly, terribly, bitter blow you have been dealt in life, noone is denying that and you deserve all the support and hugs you need, but you do only get one life and I am sure God would not want you to waste it being so unhappy and parlysed with grief? Surely there is some new direction your life could now take that would serve you and God better?
You clearly need more help to get past this 'bereavement' and your R with him and you need a new purpose in life. Your exH clearly has done, he has a new life abroad, a new wife and family. Of course it is hard, but he has CHOSEN to change his life and people can sometimes do that, it does happen. It doesnt necessarily mean that he has gone 'mad' or is out of his mind and living a lie. But, IF he ever does come back from Laos, so be it, maybe he would also want to come back to you, but you have to live your life now, 3 years on, as though he never is going to, IMHO. I also think you should do yourself a favour and put away the photographs and stop torturing yourself looking at them. You should only be looking at them, when it no longer hurts and you can look back with sadness yes, but not such suffering.
Are you seeing a counseller? Are you working on maybe finding a new life partner? What do you think ? Hugs to you, Al xx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
