WAH in MLC with PA

[DiamondGirl]

I know this will sound like I'm the sole person at a pity party but it's how I feel right now...

I can't understand what the reason for me to have gone through so much in my life and still be given more to deal with?? Why was I picked to be a "survivor"?

I may be a survivor but when do I get to have the easy road that others I meet in RL seem to have? When is it determined that someone has had enough challenges for one lifetime?

I'm in no way trying to minimize what anyone else on here is going through or has gone through... Far from it... I have met some of the strongest people I will ever come across on this board...

But really... I've got a huge list of things I've gone through that a lot of people say would make a person crack and yet I keep getting hit with more...

Is this what life is all about? Constant chaos, fluctuating feelings and disarray?

I'm starting to question why I still fight to live... It seems as though I'm not entitled to feel real joy for any consistant length of time... So what's the point?

My childhood was a nightmare to the point I'm grateful not to remember parts of it... My teen years were lonely and angry... When I met H I felt love, acceptance and a true belonging for the first time... Then it didn't last after we got married.. We spent most of our married life dealing with our son, financial hardships and at least one traumatic incident per year... Not to mention the triggers from both of our childhoods...The happy days were lost in the struggles...what was the point of all the struggles if it was going to end up this way for us? How can you rebuild something that was so hard to go through the first time around?

Is my expectation of what life should be like that screwed up? I'm not expecting everything to always go smoothly but once in a while would be a nice change... I'm almost 40... If the next 40 are going to be like the first, I'm not sure I want to stick around to see them...

[Mila]

DG - (((hugs)))

You are going through a rough patch. I know that you feel that everything is falling on you and that life it too hard right now.

Looks like you had your share of hardship and its understandable that you question everything right now.

You have to try and look at the positives...you have beautiful children that love you, need you and depend on you. They are your reward, you were blessed with them and they are your true family. Your H is loosing big by giving that up. He will discover that sooner or later.

Right now he is lost and you need to let him go for now and start concentrating on building your new life as if he is not coming back. Trust me, once you make that mental step and totally detach, it will empower you and release you from the torment.

You are young and even if you don't save this marriage, you need to believe that there is much happiness in store for you in the future. The way you describe your marriage I sense that it had some problems throughout, maybe you don't even want that back, maybe there is a new big love waiting for you in the future, that will make you happy. You just don't know what future brings. I also believe that everything bad is good for something and that when one door closes another door opens.

"Life is a cycle, always in motion, if good times have moved on so will times of trouble!"

Much love & hugs

[DiamondGirl]

Snodderly,

Thank you for your support.

I feel like a failure because with all of the efforts I put in to getting us through to a better place in our married life (financially, stability-wise, employment, etc), I disregarded the relationship itself. My focus was horribly skewed on the daily grind to the detriment of my own mental health and to some respect his and the casualty was our relationship that was so special in the beginning.

I feel like a failure because despite my IQ and research skills I could not figure out what I needed to do in my own marriage, the one thing that meant the most to me.

Now it seems he's recreating what we had with another person instead of trying to build on what is right in front of him. And it feels like his A with OW will last because it seems that his way of showing love feelings is what she needs. She is buying his fantasy view on life just like I did for so many years. I know he can "gaslight" for years.. Our marriage proved it. I was convinced that I and my past was the root of everything wrong in our M. OW flies up here every other weekend to get to know my children and cement herself into my family. Now my daughter is talking about one day going on an airplane to visit OW house...

Every time I hear OW's name on my daughter's lips it's a reminder that I've been replaced for a less "broken" model. That I wasn't worth having a difficult conversation with all those years ago. That I couldn't see our life clearly enough to sort things out and stand firm when I needed to.

I have two innocents and my mother depending on me to be smart and protect them... and in 10 years I could not even figure out that intimacy and emotion were a problem in my marriage! How can I possibly create a better life for them when I can't see the forest for the trees?

Every decision I make impacts them now and I'm afraid I'm going to make the wrong ones and focus on the wrong things again...

[DiamondGirl]

CW,

Thank you for that reminder... I have to keep reminding myself that he's not the man I married right now. This man who is doing all these hurtful things I would not have given a second glance to...

I know I did the best I could with what I had been given, but it still feels like I should have done more...Bucked up more... opened my eyes more.. but I have to keep reminding myself it isn't about me.. it's about him.. It just doesn't feel that way sometimes though..

[DiamondGirl]

Just heard from the mortgage broker I saw... said that his contact at the mortgage company says it is likely they will just renew the mortgage without checking on anything.. so if the original parties sign then it would go through okay...

Apparently I don't qualify for even part of the amount (to possibly buy something smaller) because my only source of down payment is my part of the equity in the house...

Now waiting to see who is on title...

And if it isn't someone other than my mom, then I have the huge hurdle of convincing H to re-sign to keep the house..

... one minute at a time these days...

[courageous wife]

Hey DG...will keep fingers crossed for you on the mortgage thing! You are sounding better today!

[DiamondGirl]

So.... The company is on title with H... So I figure I have 4 options:

find someone to give me a mortgage for the whole amount and buy out Hs half (not likely but still trying...)

find someone to loan me my mom's equity amount to get her back on title and convince H to sign a renewal ( either he signs or I'll walk and all the equity will get used by their fees to sell the house and back payments)

give up on the whole thing, stop paying mortgage, and move (more trauma for kids and there goes my cash too)

find someone to buy my house and rent-to-own it to me

still working on which path to take.... And trying to hold it all together in the mean time...

[DiamondGirl]

Talked to the lawyer...

Basically, he can help me get support out of H (he estimates double of what H figured out according to the laws here) but if I do anything now, it will tick H off and if I have to get him to sign anything re: house, it wouldn't be a smart move.

He agreed that my options are my only ones.. other than that additional one to get H to sign over the house completely (not likely)...

He said to resolve the issues re: house first, then he'll help me get $$ from H...

[DiamondGirl]

Someone in a conversation on the alt once suggested that I send OW a "thank you" letter for opening my eyes to H's true ways... I haven't.. but I can't get the thought of doing so out of my head..

What difference does it make when a MLCer A relationship ends by his own hand or by another (such as a letter to OW)? Wouldn't it push him into OW withdrawal faster? and thus a dose of reality?

[C-Bart]

DiamondGirl,
Relax. What is the worst thing that could happen? Your not going to be homeless and it may be a blessing to get out from under your current home. One thing it looks like your doing is assuming responsibility for everything. The house it appears is a joint asset. A joint business venture between you and your H. He needs to share in the decision making as it will have a direct affect on him.

Along the same lines it looks like your taking responsibility for your H's A. Like its up to you to end his R with OW. Do you really think you have control of his relationships? Lets say you are the source of the breakup. Do you think your H will thank you or blame you?

Let go Girl. Focus on you. Choose one thing that will make your life better today and do it. You can do this.