Show of hands - expose or not - success stories

[saffie]

Passenger,

I totally agree that you should protect yourself. Seperating out your financial affairs and making sure your H pays for his own children sounds as it should be, as he is behaving in such an awful way.

However, as for running and telling the IL's every time you find out a new piece of info? Well I don't know. Each time the impact will be a little less as they will already know from the previous time he is cheating. I would gather more info if you are going to go that route and hit them with it in one go.

What difference will that make though? You know they are suffering from supporting the sitch even though you know they love and support you. I don't think your H gives a damn what evidence you collect as he seems to think he is on his way out anyway. Those subtle signs you see that say he isn't really gone - are they really there or do you just want them to be?

Collecting intel is really only any good if you are going to do something worthwhile with it - otherwise it just does what it is doing now which is sending you to the edge......just three days after you said you were going to 'stand'. Should you really follow this course of action?

Once again you are vasciliating backs and forwards. You need to decide on a strategy and stick to it - whatever you decide it to be. You have not once, whilst you have been posting, given anything long enough to have any good effect.

Of course at the moment you are going to remember the bad times - he wants you to also, because he wants an excuse for an easy out. Don't give him that satisfaction.

Let me ask you - if you get D'd from your H will you be saved from bankruptcy? Would he still go under though? Or would it be the other way around? Is his behaviour at the moment linked to the fact that he doesn't want to face what is going to happen? (Also, just as an aside - why are you eating out etc., taking motorbike courses and so on, if money is so tight?)It doesn't seem a very mature attitude from either of you.

You say you think you H has MLC but you then post here where the advice, on the whole, is different.

I don't know if the advice should be different really; I thought it was all about doing what worked and ditching what didn't, whilst finding yourself again. Well, you don't give anything time to see if it works but you keep on at what doesn't. Exposure didn't work - truly because he doesn't give a damn. You said last time that it was the softer ' bo-peep' ,(oh how I hate that term), method that brought him back. So WHY aren't you doing that? You may think you are, but all this intel you are gathering is making you hurt and making your blood boil, and it WILL SHOW in your attitude and body language. It shows in the way you post.

So I say to you, either do something with that intel or stop gathering it and start doing some 180's. Your H seems to me pretty far out the door and if you want him back the aggressive approach, IMO, won't work. It's what he's expecting and counting on to end the M. And if he has found this thread, well then you have just let him in on knowing that you have all that intel, and just let him have time to prepare his next lot of excuses - which won't actually be any different from now because all he will say is your M with him is over so it doesn't matter that he is seeing OW. The fact that no-one on this board will agree with his thought process doesn't matter two hoots to him - he doesn't care according to him.

Passenger, go away from the boards again for a few days and think again. You sounded so much stronger when you came back from oing that before.

I know this is hard, but it seems that either you are in this for the long haul or you need to think about bailing. Either way, protect yourself. There is not going to be a quick fix here.