Good series of articles on Psychology Today

[Lotus]

This one spoke to me. it is the second link the one about Victim Identity

Now the more intractable problem is dueling diagnoses. That's when each partner diagnoses the other with a personality disorder or some kind of addiction, brain disease, cognitive deficit, or childhood trauma that explains why he/she is such an idiot.

I see a lot of people on this website doing exactly what he describes.

Dueling diagnoses are always inaccurate and abusive because they are neither motivated by objective scientific inquiry nor by a compassionate desire to understand. Rather, they are motivated by a need to feel morally superior and to justify failure of compassion. Such self-righteousness in reaction to a partner's hurtful behavior is understandable, maybe even natural as a defense - it does give momentary relief of pain, anxiety, and depression. But the temporary relief of distress comes at a high price.