Oh you're not raining on my parade. It can be so darn confusing and you gave me clarity. I appreciate that very much.
I do have another question though that maybe you can shed some light on so I know what I'm seeing. I know the mask the MLCer wears takes a lot of energy for them to wear. If they get excessively tired, do they lose the ability to wear their mask. For instance, yesterday we were at a convention to watch her dad, her brother, and our son sing in a chorus. It was an all day event. We were on the go from 9 in the morning until 10 last night. She was like Jekyll and Hyde. At the endo f the night she was fine and then almost instantly she became almost unbearable to deal with. She was finding fault with everything both me and S12 were doing or saying.
OT, I'm going to give you something to think about...when you meet someone new, how do you treat them? When you meet someone new, your expectations are at zero. Correct? Well, this is where you have to start w/your xh...both of you are not the same people you were a year or so ago, so both of you are starting on new ground, new beginnings. In many cases, you follow his/her lead and go from there. You do not raise the issue of what transpired to lead you where you are today. Listen, observe and follow their lead. Old relationship talks are not be raised unless they bring it up. There will be plenty of time to discuss those later once the dust settles from the "new" encounters, etc.
Learn to look at your xh as someone brand new. Leave the old views in the closet...both of you are brand new, changed individuals. Above all else, expectations are at zero at all times since everything and everyone is brand new!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Wearing the mask is very difficult and time consuming. Yes, it is also very tiring....it's hard work for them. Keep in mind, they were the masks when they want others to think that they are fine. You were a safe target for the flip in personality later in the evening.
This link may help some of you with your questions on reconnection:
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi snodderly Don't appologise for the hijack. It is no problem at all. Any points raised on the subject of reconnection are helpful whatever the situation.
I think the LBS gets to a point when they see reconnection taking place and becomes scared to actually believe this is what is taking place as they have been 'slam dunked' so many times before. I know this is how I am feeling. I am glad you replied to me today and shared what you see in my sitch at the moment. I believe I am seeing a big step forward, but I know until OW is out of the picture I just have to sit back and wait this one out, however frustrating this is. We see movement forward but can't offer that hand to help them along. They have to do it themselves. I feel like my life has become a soap opera. We have filmed many endings, its just up to him which ending we actually get to show.
HB Can you explain a bit more about the 'awakening' and what may be going through the MLC mind at this time. Thanks
I answered this question once before. I cannot say what exactly happens within the MLC'er's mind, as each person going through is different; BUT something happens to get their attention, and it causes them to begin the "awakening" within. It doesn't happen the SAME way to ALL...and for some who get stuck in the tunnel, it doesn't happen at all...they remain stuck for the rest of their lives.
It's a decision THEY must make, and no one else.
Again, each person and MLC is different, the timeframes are always different, and the amount of damage within from childhood wounds, etc., is different
Here's something I posted before that was the answer to a question you'd posted to me:
Quote:
Do you think OW could still be around during this time of awakening?
Yes, most definitely..it varies, though; some experience an ending of the Midlife affair, then go through the awakening experience; some are still in the affair when the awakening hits, something significant happens to make them wake up to what they are doing; and they start doing crazy stuff. It doesn't always have something to do with LBS and the family they left behind. For some, it's like they "wake up" and all of a sudden realize they are losing everything, for others they are "caught" in the Midlife affair, for still others it's the discovery of the sneaky things they've been doing that they can't deny.....and what comes about is a total confusion within; then a direction comes open for them to begin to try "fixing" things; setting things back to what they were, or so they think.
Their house of cards begins to fall apart, and the abuse they've heaped on the LBS for a time then can transfer to the OW to make her go away. At the same time, they act crazy enough that LBS begins to wonder if he/she's lost MORE of their mind.
They are "time challenged" having more or less LOST that time, and don't understand why everything has changed..Memory loss is a hallmark of this; they really DON'T remember a lot of the stuff they did..there's so much damage they don't even know where to begin to start.
And the pressure mounts, even as OW Withdrawal sets in after they get rid of her. They're on edge as never before. I'm not saying have sympathy for the crap they've gotten themselves into, but some understanding is in order here.
I had a rough time understanding it, myself; had to have it explained several times..as it was mind boggling to me.
That's why detaching, distancing and just watching the situation is important for the LBS; NO SENSE at all can be made of what's happening during this time.
Like I said, I cannot say what's in the Midlifer's mind, exactly. What's in their mind doesn't really matter, as you cannot "play" off that nor do anything to help them, anyway.
All I know is the MLC mind is fraught with confusion at all times, all during this crisis. NOTHING makes sense, and why they do what they do, right OR wrong doesn't make sense to you or me.
Even though there are moments of clarity at times, they are few and far in between.
It honestly doesn't matter what brings them to the awakening, and attempting to start the journey back toward their life and marriage, it only matters that they do it, and that you keep the patience to help bring them through when it's time.
You are the only one who knows when that time is right.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
I would suggest that you continue doing what you are doing and to sit quietly and patiently. If you can remain patient and allow God to do his work, things will be revealed to you one by one. When we tend to struggle and/or try to take control over the situation, we cannot see clearly and create more struggle for ourselves.
Allow your spouse to come to you, listen to him, validate his thoughts/feelings, etc. and above all else, follow his lead.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I think the LBS gets to a point when they see reconnection taking place and becomes scared to actually believe this is what is taking place as they have been 'slam dunked' so many times before. I know this is how I am feeling.
This comment really resonated with me and how I am feeling these days. I truly believe my H is reconnecting as it has been steady (but slooooooooooooow) progress forward the past few weeks, even now some my way. BUT I am afraid to believe it . . .
Just trying to sit and wait patiently and see what happens.:)
I think the LBS gets to a point when they see reconnection taking place and becomes scared to actually believe this is what is taking place as they have been 'slam dunked' so many times before.
With good reason it seems... My XH called me last weekend (left VM's because I did not answer). Heard through the grape vine that he had ended it with OW 1 week prior. He was crying and drunk. First call was to say he needed to talk to me. Second call was to say he missed me so much and that he needed me to tell him it would all be okay, for me to please call him back. I didn't, at least not then. I called his sister because I was worried about him. Then I left him a voice mail the next day. I told him that I missed him every second of every day but like he he says it's time to move on. And I guess that's just something that he is going to have to learn to live with. And I cannot tell him it will be okay because I don't believe that it will ever be okay like this. Next night he sent me a TM told me thank you for my support. I told him that He don't need me, never has, he's made that perfectly clear. He said he was serious. I told him to just take care of himself and know that I will always love him. H then TM back saying that he just wanted to fall asleep holding me in his arms. I did not respond.
I've heard nothing from him since. I heard that he spent the night with OW Sat. night. SURPRISE! I text him yesterday to ask him if he was taking OW to Cousins wedding next weekend. I want to go, but the restraining order says I cannot if she goes. He did not answer me.
Sorry to highjack this thread but I have to say D or not. A year passed or not. All of the changes or not. New R or not. His calls and TM last weekend have really pulled at my heart strings and drug me back down into the tunnel. I had made myself believe that I was doing just fine. That I had moved on and up. That I would not go back to EX for nothing. Then in an instant I'm a mess. I still love and miss this man like crazy. Even after all that has happened. If only....If only he was scincere... If only he was through MLC. If only OW ws truly gone. So I guess I am seeing that there is a real reason for the LBS to be afraid. Because they can and will still hurt us..
This waas huge for me because I have heard nothing from him for over 6 months. Out of the blue he called me one day at work and left a VM ( a few weeks back). Telling me to call him. Then later I got a text saying "sorry, never mind" I called anyway and got his VM. Then nothing. Later that night I was not home and D18 caught him coming off of our street. He then turned around and came here and sat with her for over an hour. I was pretty suspicious as to why he was here. And kind of ticked that he was at my house without me here. Wondering what the heck he was up to. But I left it alone. Glad that he made an effort to spend time with D18 even if he was up to something different. I then let it go and thought nothing more about it. Now this.
So.... is he trying to reconnect?... or just still spinning in his sh*t?... No one knows. But it sure has thrown me for a loop and made me see things that I couldn't see before. I just have to find my feet again. thanks all for listening and could sure use some insight or advise. Luv, TOH
Last edited by old theotherhalf; 04/26/1010:54 AM.
was theotherhalf M43 H43 M22 T25 MLC/OW bomb 4/07 Hmoved out 8/07 D6/09 Still trying to accept and move on...
