Past several years I made her feel insecure about her body and the way she looks. Sometimes I made her feel disgusted in who she is and what she looks like. Although we were a very intimate couple once the intimate period ended I was back to degrading her...
This seems an impossible hurdle to cross. What made you think this was acceptable behavior?
If she was treating you poorly for 10 years what would you have done?
I never thought it was acceptable, I always regretted saying the things I said right after saying them. The heat of the moment would consume me and I would say a lot of hurtful things. This was not how I truly felt. I had insecurities in myself and took them out on her, in attempts to bring her down to my level of low self esteem.
I always seen my W as a beautiful woman and did express this to her as often as I could...At this point my W does not remember those times only the bad. I use to stand or sit beside her as she was getting ready to go to work or if we were heading out and say to her "You are so beautiful, you have gorgeous eyes" or other things along those lines and her response would always be "I'm yours" with a great big smile...
My W does not recall those times or if she does it causes her resentment to build up more because of the other times when I would be little her.
I go the help I needed to improve my self esteem issues and insecurities. The help I received has enabled me to see my W in a way I never thought possible, she truly is a beautiful woman.
OfficerInNeed,
Many times when they have cheated us, the mind flips. So that they will only remember the bad, the small details that can be used against you. I'm sure both of you had a great non-verbal affirmation in the past, and now its gone and replaced with "hardness".
The question is how can you allow her to flip it back, so that she can focus on the goodness?
"I HAVE NOT CHEATED ON OR BEEN IN AN INAPPROPRIATE SITUATION AGAINST MY WIFE. "
You mean your "current" W. I was referring to the fact that you cheated on your past W with this W. Or was this not your sitch?
You talk alot about your W's selfish attitude, etc. But you said that's how you were when you cheated on your first W. You understand the WAS's thoughts very well. Maybe I'm not getting why you're so puzzled by your W's behavior. All you need to do is what you think you might have wanted your first W to do to you to save the M.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
"I HAVE NOT CHEATED ON OR BEEN IN AN INAPPROPRIATE SITUATION AGAINST MY WIFE. "
You mean your "current" W. I was referring to the fact that you cheated on your past W with this W. Or was this not your sitch?
You talk alot about your W's selfish attitude, etc. But you said that's how you were when you cheated on your first W. You understand the WAS's thoughts very well. Maybe I'm not getting why you're so puzzled by your W's behavior. All you need to do is what you think you might have wanted your first W to do to you to save the M.
MrBond,
Yes I know the ways of a wayward from both positions. Thanks for responding to a way I can understand. I have been thinking about this from the wayward point of view and what it would have took for my ex-Wife to have gotten me back. It would have been really tough, because the more time I spent with and enjoyed with my current W ( the then girlfriend ) - the stronger our connection became and the greater distance I put to my ex-Wife.
I did know that my ex-Wife was virtuous, mostly principled person and that she did nothing wrong. My ego at the time was very proud of myself, but it did not turn like some of these female waywards who'se ego changes to make itself hate the LBS.
It would have taken a near death experience and the wife is there and the at the time girlfriend bailed on me or put me in the bad position. That would have been an instantaneous wakeup call.
Or possibly a meeting where its determined that my girlfriend at the time was unloyal, was only out for my money, revealed she really didn't like me, and had put me in a position where I was in harms way. That would have woken me up.
It appears that some sort of "affair bursting" would have been really effective in that I would be forced to focus on the reality of having a wife I cheated on, but nomore "girlfriend". I don't think I would have left the wife at that point. It would have taken some time and I may have tried to protect my pride, but over time I would have realized it is going to be cheaper and safer to stay at home and that I put us all in harms way.
Theres other scenarios. But what wasn't going to work is like most of these waywards. Damn its tough to look at it from that way.
My wife at the time wasn't going to talk me out of it, or be nice to me and I would have stopped what I was doing. I was focused on my attatchment to my "then girlfriend" and when I would get to see her next.
Unlike a female wayward if she did these I would appreciate it for her, but I was focused on my connection to my "then girlfriend". I did not hate my wife, despite my terrible and hurtful actions.
Some of the female waywards are different ( and I know some males do it to ), where they will resent acts of generousity from their spouse.
Being on the other end, I know how hard it is to get through and communicate. My current wife blocks out nearly everything I say. PLUS on top of it, if anyone accuses me of anything she takes their side.
By the way the part that really sucks ( I probably should start my thread ), is I have been moved into a hotel. This after a long period of time where she is taking things away from me ( compassion, intimacy, spending time, sleeping in bed, sharing, won't let me fill husband role, etc etc). The point is she was showing she doesn't "need" me.
We did have a marriage counseling which was interesting and I am prepared to go for 2 years if current wife participates or at least sits in the room with me. Also will do Retrauville in July.
Working with a wayward is very hard to say the least. Now that I think about it, you can't really say much to them because in their mind its already made up.
Past several years I made her feel insecure about her body and the way she looks. Sometimes I made her feel disgusted in who she is and what she looks like. Although we were a very intimate couple once the intimate period ended I was back to degrading her...
This seems an impossible hurdle to cross. What made you think this was acceptable behavior?
If she was treating you poorly for 10 years what would you have done?
I never thought it was acceptable, I always regretted saying the things I said right after saying them. The heat of the moment would consume me and I would say a lot of hurtful things. This was not how I truly felt. I had insecurities in myself and took them out on her, in attempts to bring her down to my level of low self esteem.
I always seen my W as a beautiful woman and did express this to her as often as I could...At this point my W does not remember those times only the bad. I use to stand or sit beside her as she was getting ready to go to work or if we were heading out and say to her "You are so beautiful, you have gorgeous eyes" or other things along those lines and her response would always be "I'm yours" with a great big smile...
My W does not recall those times or if she does it causes her resentment to build up more because of the other times when I would be little her.
I go the help I needed to improve my self esteem issues and insecurities. The help I received has enabled me to see my W in a way I never thought possible, she truly is a beautiful woman.
That's going to take some time to get over dude. She probably really resents you for it.
Just stay strong. You getting alot of help just keep dbing dude
waw 36 (spiritual covenant and common law marriage)me 32 together 13 mos. Bomb dropped march 2nd 2010
children SD (8) S (10) S (3) need help from anyone with my sitch
I went to church this morning, my W returned home from work before I got home. When I did return home she told me how bad the dog was while I was gone. My W was very withdrawn today, she did not say much to me. She laid on the couch watching TV while I sat in the bedroom keeping myself busy. I did go down stairs at one point and began to watch TV with her. At one point I made a comment and she did not respond, I don't know if she did not hear me or just didnt not feel like responding so I went back upstairs....
A little while later my W came up and let the dog in the room, she went and showered then came in bed and laid next to me.At first we both fooled around with the puppy. WE had a few conversations. My W asked me about an incident that occurred while I was at my friends stag party the other night, my friends brother had a convo with her at work, so she asked me about it (not involving me), when I began to tell her what happened it was like I was talking to myself, so I stopped talking. Then she wanted to sleep...that is where it is now and has been for the past 4 hours. My W sleeping next to me in bed (with her back turned and distance between us.
My W did mention tomorrow she wanted to go shopping to find something to wear to my friends wedding on this upcoming Sat. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day for us and a step closer to reconciliation.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
At first things started out pretty well considering, we woke up next to each other in the same bed. Somehow our dog ended up in the bed. My W nudged me, smiled and pointed to the dog to show me how she was laying.
My W gets up goes downstairs to eat breakfast, I follow shortly after and we watch some TV together. We both laugh here and there and catch eyes a couple times while doing so.
We had planned to got out and shop around for something to wear to my friends wedding next weekend. My W got ready and in the process she started to shift her attitude. All of a sudden she became distant and VERY withdrawn and bitter. I just carried on overlooking the negativity and tried to remain positive.
So we leave and arrive at our destination (the mall) and soon as we walked in she started again. In the past when we would walk in public places I normally lead the way. Those days are over, I want to walk equal. Since we were there for my W, I thought it would be best she lead the way since she knows what she was looking for. At one point she stopped and said "Don't wait for me to go ahead, it never happened before, just go where you got to go" I replied "But we are here for you" which made no sense to her...So I walked and she followed even though I had no clue where to go or what SHE WANTED to look at. We walked around. My W was not happy with what she saw so we both decided we would go to another mall. W still being very distant and had a terrible attitude and I am not sure what set her off.
I had to stop at a vitamin shop my W choose to stay in the car. I said "I thought you wanted to get those vitamins" and I thought she said "forget them." So I go in and come out with my stuff and my W says with a nasty attitude "You couldn't get my stuff?" I said "I thought you said forget them" she told me she said "you can get them." I apologized for the mix in communication and offered to go back in to get them, as I was exiting the vehicle she said "if you go back in there I will leave you." So I sat back in the seat and pulled off. I tried to clear up the matter and she said "it doesn't matter" and so I said "If it does not matter why are you acting like this" and her reply was "whatever." then she changed her mind and just wanted to go home and so I complied and drove home...a very silent drive home it was but I tried to remain up beat.
In that time I thought, she is taking me on a roller coaster ride. I let her take me up but on the way back down I decided I would get off and not go for the ride. I just became a spectator remaining calm as can be and tried to inject a positive attitude.
When we got home our dog left a mess for us, it put her in a worse mood but I cleaned up the mess. My W was cooking her self something to eat in the microwave, when it was finished, I pulled it and walked it out to her. I thought if I too had a negative attitude is will only complicate things further so I just acted "as if" and hopefully it made her think. It was also good for me too because I did not let her push the buttons she thought she could push...I reprogrammed my buttons and threw her a curve ball.
As of right now, she is down stairs watching TV and I am up stairs relaxing and giving her some space.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
"My W was not happy with what she saw so we both decided we would go to another mall. W still being very distant and had a terrible attitude and I am not sure what set her off."
You could have just asked her.
"W says with a nasty attitude "You couldn't get my stuff?" I said "I thought you said forget them" she told me she said "you can get them." I apologized for the mix in communication and offered to go back in to get them, as I was exiting the vehicle she said "if you go back in there I will leave you." So I sat back in the seat and pulled off. I tried to clear up the matter and she said "it doesn't matter" and so I said "If it does not matter why are you acting like this" and her reply was "whatever."
This is one of those times where she's bothered by something and it seems like to make her feel better, she takes it out on you. Stop apologizing for everything. There was no "mix-up" in communication. She said she didn't want you to get her stuff and you didn't. You can show compassion and not have her continue to walk all over you.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I get what you mean. How would I or what would I say and not make matter worse. I will say this though, my W has settled down. My positive approach has shifted her attitude, not much, but at least we were talking again minus the attitude.
My has the notorious habit of saying "nothing" whenever asked if something is wrong or bothering her, she has been like that for years.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
Oh you don't have to make a big deal about it. Just ask "is something wrong?" and not "what's your problem?"
Right now you're at the point where I was at whereby I was analyzing EVERYTHING I was talking to her about. I chose my words so much that I actually stopped talking after awhile because I was afraid of saying the "wrong" thing.
The way to do it is to start seeing your W as a friend rather than your W. How would you ask your friend if she was in the same mood? If a friend snaps at you and says "nothing!" you would just shrug it off because she's being rude. Same here.
Just stop walking on eggshells around your W. Not saying you need to be an @$$, but just BE the better person you've changed into.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I have a daughter who can be all sunshine and light, or a completely withdrawn grump. This is how I deal with her when she is the grump. I go in to talk to her, and she tells me to get out. I say, "No, I am going to say what I came here to say. You just listen." She pretends she is not listening. Then I just say what I want to tell her. In your case, what I would say is, "Wife, I know you are unhappy and you want to move out. But you are not moving out yet. So, while you are living here, I would appreciate it if you were at least as nice to me as you would be to a stranger. You would tell a stranger hello and goodbye. You should say it to me too. You would tell a stranger thank you for a ride. You should say it to me too. I will be nice to you, and I would appreciate it if you would be nice to me too. We will both get along better that way." And then I would walk out of the room and let her sulk.
