What does this mean?- the WH's regrets?

[newmama]

Let me clarify something- the parts of DBing that include making changes for yourself, improving areas that needed it, GALing, and avoiding talking about the R or pursuing, etc. still apply if there is an OW or not!

I am worried I was implying that any DBing is useless with an OW. I just mean don't expect it to be enough to make him end the A- I think they end it when they end it!

[gatsby11]

Gotcha. i caught you 5 min after you posted-- boo yah!

I am all about those parts of DB. It will keep me for now.

[Butterfly1]

HI I"m just checking in on your sitch. I want to offer support - my MC also said, if he's not trying to "connect" then I should stop trying.

Yet, my H is in MC with me, even though we are separated. OUr communication has gotten much better, but he bombed me again on our one year anniversary of the first bomb that there's an OW and he's not interested in being with me. So it's confusion land...

Pearl is very strong and her advice is really good. Listen to her.

[Piano]

Hi Gatsby, just checking in with you. Thanks for journaling also and there's some good advice from pearlharbr.

I especailly was grateful to be reminded of : "If there is OW in the picture then don't believe for a second that your responses pushed H further away. I think his plan for controlled separation was just a way to set himself up to explore his other option and keep you on the back burner in case things with OW didn't work out."

I think a lot of us LBSs beat ourselves up over what we did or didn't say. The truth is, if there's an OW or OM, our WSs are blind to every single reaction we have ---- they have already 'left the building' so to speak.

Good on you for putting him out of your mind. My task today also!

[gatsby11]

Thanks, H4L. I checked out a bit of your thread. . . yes, piecing looks really hard. In some of my musings from the other day, I guess I was realizing that.

Yep, P, that's true. I was wondering today (just a bit) if it's even better to have an OW than not. . . because they are continuing to have "someone" and when that person leaves, there's a void again. My WH, if there is no OW, is just really into this idea of being unattached. . . (sort of George Clooney from Up In the Air-ish) and that seems to be more permanent, I think.

Anyway, random thoughts that don't mean much. Hopefully all this processing is just what I have to do now to heal. . .

I was crazy busy at work today, and it made me so happy. I am kinda excited that when a baby comes, you get really busy. I've always liked the rush of trying to get everything done in a short time!

[newmama]

I am kinda excited that when a baby comes, you get really busy. I've always liked the rush of trying to get everything done in a short time!

lol! It's funny because for me it wasn't as crazy busy as I saw in the movies- they cry, they need to be fed, changed or held, and that's it! But NOW it is getting crazy busy (he is almost 10 months, eating more "people" food and crawling, taking classes, is on the go constantly-no more sitting quietly and playing lol!)--and like you, I love to be busy and meet deadlines!

[Piano]

I'm kinda excited too & your posts made me more so! My midwife is coming over soon to go through the birth plan. I love the idea of SOMETHING going to plan,ha ha!
OW or no OW... I dunno. The thing about the OW is that the WAS is completely gone, but I guess you know why. When there is no OW you have to rely on other possible explanations and yes, I think that is very hard. Aren't you tempted G, to find out if your WAH has someone else? I know snopping is not what nice people do, but I'd snoop like buggery until I found out. Who cares about nice! Anyway, just a suggestion...

[gatsby11]

Ha ha, no. I am not tempted at all. I've never snooped, truly. (OK, once in high school I stumbled on my sister's diary and read a few entries!) It's not that it's not "nice" (I can be not nice for sure!), but I just don't want to know certain things, I guess. Maybe it's avoiding, but I just don't think I could do it!

This is how much freedom I gave WH: 1) Never snooped. 2) Chick from work (who he made out with later) got him a shirt. I said she should shop for him more. 3) Often I let him to go out without me because I was tired but he wanted to socialize. Okay, well, #2 and #3 happened mostly in the last few months. Before that, we'd had 8 years where we did everything together. So I just totally trusted him.

Isn't that kinda dumb? I can't believe I was so naive and so trusting toward the end. I did get mad at him when he went out to a bar with that chick by themselves. So at least I took that stand.

What my therapist is telling me is that if he ever wants to get back together (and he *might*, 'cause he had it good), he would have to understand that I would be different. That I would ask for more and not give as much. And the WH I know probably couldn't handle that. Plus give to a baby? No. WH was #1 in his life, I jived with that well, and that is probably permanent.

Now onto other things! BTW, I have to say that maybe in a few days I'll remember him in a different light. But this is how I'm remembering him right now, and this is an accurate picture of part of our relationship.


I don't know how much I'm going to like the first 3 months of motherhood. I just don't know. I've always said I'm going to hate the last 3 mos of pregnancy and the first 3 mos of baby stuff. But so far the last 3 of preg aren't that bad. I just hope I can keep "myself" during the newborn stage!

P, I was just looking last night at skin-to-skin contact. I think I'm going to put that in my birth plan: immediate s-t-s contact. So what am I going to wear during the birth, then? I guess layers. . .

OK, off to work!

[Piano]

I think it's great you gave your H space during your marriage and were not the snoopy/paranoid type. I was quite cool also.If I have another relationship, I might not be so much.
Yes, skin to skin contact, very important for bubs to bond with mum. Definately in my plan too! Wear a large floppy t-shirt perhaps? Or take it off to have that contact asap.
I'm ordering in a birthing pool to sit in my mothers lounge... It should help with the discomfort and keep me at home longer.. I am half thinking of home birth with 2 midwives - i think it could be very empowering for me right now... Hmm..keep on dreaming!

[newmama]

Ladies if you want skin to skin, by the time you give birth you won't care who sees what- I am a super modest person and just pulled down my hospital gown and was all "boobs" for my S to lay on! (I was also sweating and very hot).

Don't forget to pack socks and you might want to bring your own pillow from home as well as blanket.

Gatsby, it is not up to you to "babysit" your H-so what that he went out without you in the last few months. MANY of my friends let their Hs do that without complaining or worrying and they haven't cheated!

In a way, not knowing or caring if there is an OW is a form of detachment because if you don't care then you won't be thinking about your H as much or worrying right?