WAH in MLC with PA

[DiamondGirl]

I know this will sound like I'm the sole person at a pity party but it's how I feel right now...

I can't understand what the reason for me to have gone through so much in my life and still be given more to deal with?? Why was I picked to be a "survivor"?

I may be a survivor but when do I get to have the easy road that others I meet in RL seem to have? When is it determined that someone has had enough challenges for one lifetime?

I'm in no way trying to minimize what anyone else on here is going through or has gone through... Far from it... I have met some of the strongest people I will ever come across on this board...

But really... I've got a huge list of things I've gone through that a lot of people say would make a person crack and yet I keep getting hit with more...

Is this what life is all about? Constant chaos, fluctuating feelings and disarray?

I'm starting to question why I still fight to live... It seems as though I'm not entitled to feel real joy for any consistant length of time... So what's the point?

My childhood was a nightmare to the point I'm grateful not to remember parts of it... My teen years were lonely and angry... When I met H I felt love, acceptance and a true belonging for the first time... Then it didn't last after we got married.. We spent most of our married life dealing with our son, financial hardships and at least one traumatic incident per year... Not to mention the triggers from both of our childhoods...The happy days were lost in the struggles...what was the point of all the struggles if it was going to end up this way for us? How can you rebuild something that was so hard to go through the first time around?

Is my expectation of what life should be like that screwed up? I'm not expecting everything to always go smoothly but once in a while would be a nice change... I'm almost 40... If the next 40 are going to be like the first, I'm not sure I want to stick around to see them...