No, I have audio of them having sex and talking for 4 hours in his truck. Not minimal. He's deliberately lying. I have a map of his travels and know where he was, but he said he was in another state three hours to the north of where he actually was.
I am going to hold this close to the vest for now, and continue to gather intel... some thoughts about maybe saying to him "do you enjoy lying to me and hurting your family" but haven't decided on that yet. I do have proof so he would deny and I would not present him with the proof or else it would stop my intel gathering...
It sounds like he's taking the same route mb28's husband is doing... telling everyone his wife is crazy and that he's on the up and up... trying to maintain his public profile
I don't know if I want to stay married at this point. I'm thinking it through and thinking that I just don't see any redeeming qualities in my H any more.
Help, I need someone to talk me off the edge... they CAN come back around to being wonderful one day, right? I am pretty sure he was a fun, romantic, loving man at one point... it's just so distant, I can barely remember if it's truly what I saw back then or not.
All I remember right now is: Lies, cheating, sneaking around, using me for money and babysitting, taking advantage of me and kids/family, not caring at all for us, narcissism, spreading rumors, plotting against his wife, abandoning us in our most time of need (I know he needs right now also... but really, the kids are going through very tough times right now especially), being infantile in the ways of money, running a house, not taking responsibility for anything, blaming others, putting his needs first, wanting/needing TOYS to the detriment of the family budget, not saying no to anything anyone wants (including me, I'm not innocent here - sometimes I want to eat out when I know I should stay home), not taking the lead in the family, no strength.
I know there is some good. If you had asked me 7-12 years ago, I would not have been able to come up with one bad thing about him, 5 years ago, it was 90% good, now it's 10% good, and that's a real reach for me to remember.
Now I understand why divorces can get so bitter between people who supposedly loved each other at one time.
Ok, Lady, back away from the ledge. heya, Pass. I'm glad your in a better place in general. Each of us has to assess our own sitch from time to time and decide if it's worth it. Couples do make it back from very dark places but it's ok if you decide you've had enough. It takes time either way. Busting a D is a very long process. Don't give up hope if you're not really sure.
I totally agree that you should protect yourself. Seperating out your financial affairs and making sure your H pays for his own children sounds as it should be, as he is behaving in such an awful way.
However, as for running and telling the IL's every time you find out a new piece of info? Well I don't know. Each time the impact will be a little less as they will already know from the previous time he is cheating. I would gather more info if you are going to go that route and hit them with it in one go.
What difference will that make though? You know they are suffering from supporting the sitch even though you know they love and support you. I don't think your H gives a damn what evidence you collect as he seems to think he is on his way out anyway. Those subtle signs you see that say he isn't really gone - are they really there or do you just want them to be?
Collecting intel is really only any good if you are going to do something worthwhile with it - otherwise it just does what it is doing now which is sending you to the edge......just three days after you said you were going to 'stand'. Should you really follow this course of action?
Once again you are vasciliating backs and forwards. You need to decide on a strategy and stick to it - whatever you decide it to be. You have not once, whilst you have been posting, given anything long enough to have any good effect.
Of course at the moment you are going to remember the bad times - he wants you to also, because he wants an excuse for an easy out. Don't give him that satisfaction.
Let me ask you - if you get D'd from your H will you be saved from bankruptcy? Would he still go under though? Or would it be the other way around? Is his behaviour at the moment linked to the fact that he doesn't want to face what is going to happen? (Also, just as an aside - why are you eating out etc., taking motorbike courses and so on, if money is so tight?)It doesn't seem a very mature attitude from either of you.
You say you think you H has MLC but you then post here where the advice, on the whole, is different.
I don't know if the advice should be different really; I thought it was all about doing what worked and ditching what didn't, whilst finding yourself again. Well, you don't give anything time to see if it works but you keep on at what doesn't. Exposure didn't work - truly because he doesn't give a damn. You said last time that it was the softer ' bo-peep' ,(oh how I hate that term), method that brought him back. So WHY aren't you doing that? You may think you are, but all this intel you are gathering is making you hurt and making your blood boil, and it WILL SHOW in your attitude and body language. It shows in the way you post.
So I say to you, either do something with that intel or stop gathering it and start doing some 180's. Your H seems to me pretty far out the door and if you want him back the aggressive approach, IMO, won't work. It's what he's expecting and counting on to end the M. And if he has found this thread, well then you have just let him in on knowing that you have all that intel, and just let him have time to prepare his next lot of excuses - which won't actually be any different from now because all he will say is your M with him is over so it doesn't matter that he is seeing OW. The fact that no-one on this board will agree with his thought process doesn't matter two hoots to him - he doesn't care according to him.
Passenger, go away from the boards again for a few days and think again. You sounded so much stronger when you came back from oing that before.
I know this is hard, but it seems that either you are in this for the long haul or you need to think about bailing. Either way, protect yourself. There is not going to be a quick fix here.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
