Piecing with PATIENCE

[totite]

Hi again. You know, as I rambled (and it was only briefly) to my H last night, I had visions of Opt crying to her H last week.

My H hasn't seen me cry in at least two months so what he thought about last night remains to be seen. It really wasn't a big deal and I didn't lay any blame on him. It was truly just a release of confusion and uncertainty on my part.

Tonight, if he asks about it, I am going to try to keep it upbeat and simple.

I want to explain to him that the issue at church was icing on the cake - everything boils down to communication. I am as guilty as he is on that front. I either talk too much and don't hear him (familiar Pam?) or avoid it so as to avoid conflict.

I think my frustration is that I told him that I wouldn't pressure him and true to my word I haven't. This is hard for a verbal person to do as many of you know. I am sooooo pleased with the affair (hee - hee!) that we are having with each other, but really struggle with the parallel world he and I are living in as a result.

We cuddle, talk and make love regularly when alone, but then when the kids are around it is business as usual. I want to reach over and touch him or kiss him and am afraid of how he would take it or react.

These are the thoughts that I am having. How I phrase it tonight will come from within me and not be directed towards him. I am lucky in that I have such good retention of the scenarios that I read about here and I truly do recall them as I have conversations with my H.

I am trying to hear what he says, pause and then formulate an answer. I listen to figure out if we are understanding each other and ask for or offer clarification if needed.

I don't have any speech to make to him. I have a few questions or curiousities - however, by tonight, I may not even need to ask. And I don't want to build up expectations for whatever may or may not happen.

So, I am planning a low-key, thoughtful approach to whatever comes my way. I am going to keep my emotions in check to the best of my abilities - and may just put my fingernails into my palm for assistance!

I think much of this uncertainty comes from our upcoming anniversary, as well as the upcoming traditions of Thanksgiving, an annual tree-cutting outing with his friends (he proposed the evening before so we could show them the ring) and all of the other traditions we have created as a family.

We have not talked about any of these things yet. He has been okay with doing things together of late, but it remains to be seen how all of these activities will be impacted by our separation.

Well, my projects await. Trying to keep the two boys busy while I tackle them. S3 wants to play on the "puter" so I have to run.