Time for darkness.... (thread number 3)ears open

[james217]

Now that you seem to understand things in a more clear fashion it is VERY important you start making goals for yourself AND you stick to your boundaries. If she crosses the boundaries you must enforce them and whatever conseqences she feels are for her to deal with.

Specifically what will you do and how will you set and enforce boundaries? IMO it is important to create a very detailed list to act as your guide.

.

I set a few boundaries yesterday. I’m going to read the boundaries thread to learn more. You wouldn’t happen to have the link would you maam? *smiles*


I am not sure I agree. She wasn't talking or seeing you because she was too busy with her affair(s). When that fizzled out she came back to you when she needed or wanted you. When her affair wiped her hotel room clean and stole her things she called you and you went running. I am not sure here calling you, having sex with you and needing you when it suits her is positive.

I am sure in her own way your W does still care for you. I am sure in his own twisted way my H still cares for me. But no, it isn't enough. My H did the same thing your W did... he showed up at the hospital when I was very ill and put on a big song and dance. The next day he told me he would NEVER turn his back on me again and then I never heard from him again. I wouldn't put too much stock in the hospital visit. When a human being experiences something like death, a major trauma or an illness it is in our nature to cling to something that signifies LIFE and nothing signifies LIFE like sex. I also think your W uses sex as a way to keep you hooked.


Yes I agree when I think about it. She did consistently call me a lot though. We would have 2 and 3 hour conversations even before the hotel clothes stealing incident.

I think the hotel incident really did shake her though. She is not used to seeing me that vulnerable. I’m supposed to be the strong person never in the hospital or sick. So yep I can see that. I can also see her getting her head out her butt too.

I help Very good realization. I think you need to create a very
specific list of goals and boundaries for YOU.


Working on the boundaries. I set a few yesterday.

Fear can really cause us to get stuck. But the way you "have" her now is not good and will not make it for the long term. And yes, she behaves this way because you allow it.
.

.I don’t really have that fear or desperation anymore. I miss her but not the WAW her. Sometimes my W shows up but I miss the person she used to be.

She might change and she might not. But when you change enough (for real) you will begin to see her in a new light and you might see something you really don't like or desire anymore. This will take a LONG time no matter what the outcome and you will have to learn the art of patience.


I’ve just been doing some thinking. I am really disappointed with her. But I’m just trying to make it on my own and with the support of my family.

Exactly. She left the marriage so she has lost the privilege of having a partner to help her out.
.



Well, you can't *make* anybody be responsible but at least you won't be constantly sucked in her drama and problems.

You are on the right track but I think you need to get very, very specific about what boundaries you plan to set, how you will enforce them and so on.

I think I started that process yesterday.

.

Yep I’m working on setting boundaries and goals. I set some yesterday. Let’s see if she thinks I’m serious. I think she does. I also think she’s starting to wake up from whatever little fog she’s in because she keeps stating how lonely she is and how she misses her family and how alot of these so called friends she have really don't care about her or matter and she needs to focus on what's important. I don't know what that means but we'll see
s