Spouse Suffering From Depression

[Lucky11too]

Well, unfortunately, not a lot to report. It wasn't a bad weekend, but it just didn't go as planned, and frankly was a little discouraging. H came over on Friday, but took forever for him to get over here. He's blames it on his ADD, which I know is true and I have sympathy and understanding for, but of which I'm also losing patience on with him continuously pushing off treatment. It was nice to spend some time together and we watched a movie together and stuff, but then when I brought up that it was time to "talk", he kind of just shut down. I wanted him to lead the direction of this conversation, so I asked him basically what this all meant for us. He tried to change the conversation but I just kind of sat there quiet and pensive. He then says "well it's not a bad thing". I couldn't really get him to expand more, so I just said some of the things on my mind, like on how I needed him to show love for me if he "needs" me to show love to him. I wish he had been more repsonsive but at least I was able to say a few of the things on my mond (although i really have lots more!) and I just hope any of it sinks in. I feel kind of like his lack of answering is an answer in itself, meaning that he's not any father along then he was before. I thinking about doing now some of the things that I was holding off doing in hopes that we could be home soon - new mattress and bedspread. I've been using my parent's old stuff since I moved in and my back is sure paying for it. It's more money then I want to be spending right now, but on the other hand, this is stuff I will need when I move to my own place. In regards to that, I mentioned to H how I never thought I would be raising my S in an apartment (my plan was always to get a house before I had kids, which I had before all this hell broke loose & now I could only afford an apartment), in which H replies that of course an apartment is not somewhere he wants S to be raised, so I should just stay with my parents. Uh, sorry. I love them and appreciate their help more than words can say, but I know I need to become my own person. So I hope that something he keeps in mind too. Well, I guess it will just be interesting to see if anything changes - invites me to his place, comes to see me more, etc. I guess that will be the true test. Before he left, he asked me to look into when the NBA finals end (mid June I found out) b/c he wants to get his surgery done as soon as they're done. I guess I just kind of deal with and manage the current situation the best I can until then, and then if he doesn't hold true to that, it's going to be time for my own action, b/c I'm done with the excuses!

[awest1217]

Sorry that nothing was really said. It will be interesting to see if H follows through with letting you see where he lives and lets you completely in his life. The other good thing is he did ask about when to schedule the surgery instead of you bringing it up so at least it is on his mind.

Stay strong and I am glad that you know what you want out of this.

[Lucky11too]

Not much going on right now. Just super busy at work. I have texted a bit with H the last few days but he's been in a stoop from frustrations with work. He's getting another tattoo this week. Ug. I hate tattos! What is with this obsession with tattoos? Yuck! And of course when I complain about them, I get the "oh, so you won't love me anymore if I get tattos" line. With my teeth clinched I say that they're only skin deep and won't affect my love, but that I just don't like them! =/ So we'll see what else the week holds...

[Lucky11too]

So what else does this week hold...mohawks! Yeah, H went to get his haircut yesterday and said he was trying for the fo-hawk look and instead got a full-on mohawk! He sent me a pic...I don't even what do say - it looks ridiculous! Luckily H hates it too & wants to wear a hat the next 2 weeks (I was afraid that it was going to be a new look). So yes, my husband is now a tattooed mohawk guy - yeah, want else can I say (keep in mind, I'm a clean cut church girl).

In other news, H called me yesterday to tell me about said mohawk. I was at work so couldn't talk long, but when I hung up, he says how good it was to talk to me. (My thought is that yeah, if you wanted to be married still, we could talk everyday! Blah!) Then he wanted to have lunch with me today so we set that up. So, he's still making an effort. I think the problem is that I am just finding myself more and more annoyed by H and his selffish actions (I'm struggling to afford a new mattress b/c my back is so incredibly sore and he's out there buying tattoos, haircuts, and going out!) I find myself in more negative thinking about how he's never going to change, never going to sacrifice for us, and never truely going to choose us and that makes me draw away from him (maybe that's why he's coming after me b/c he can feel that too). I don't see a future with us as a happy family, but feel like I have to stick it out to find out for sure (probably more for S's sake then mine, b/c I know I can be completely happy w/o H, but as we've been saying, I don't want to put S thru the whole D and having to live 2 lives.)

[awest1217]

I think it is awesome that H is trying. He actually called which is a first in a while, instead of texting and asked you to lunch so you two get to spend some time just the two of you. All in all, good progress, but I understand the feeling more distant. For him, he might be getting tatooes and weird hair cuts because he is trying to find himself. Find out what he likes and doesn't like especially if depression and sleep apnea and ADHD have been a huge part of his life for a while, he is trying to find out who he is without those things being in the way...and he is still choosing to hang out with you. A good thing, but it is good to be hesitant.

I also am trying to keep this together for S. I don't want him to live 2 lives and possibly have half-sibs on either side...I lived that life with step-sibs and it just isn't good.

[Lucky11too]

Surprise surprise...H just texted me to postpone our lunch b/c his stomach isn't doing well. I mean, I can be sympathetic to that, but it just seems like it's always something. Oh well. Of course, now I didn't bring my lunch b/c I thought I was eating w/ H, so now I have to go buy lunch by myself somewhere.

I get that he's trying to find himself, but couldn't he do it with less permanent things (ie tattoos)? haha. At least his hair will grow back out! Oh, I just want to get his surgery past us and his sleep apnea hopefully under control, so I can have a glimpse or a hope of a possible future. It's great that he's trying, but we are still just on completely different planets. How do we ever get them to merge again?

[awest1217]

I honestly have no clue. It seems that after such a long separation and with having S being only with you ever and H not helping to raise him at all that now you are on two separate fields complete and I agree with you, how does that ever come back together? Our lives are so different compared to our H's because they have chosen a bachelor lifestyle that doesn't even allow them to see their children. How does that ever change or does it change? I am with you and if you or anyone else gets a good answer let me know.

[Lucky11too]

I'm feeling pretty frustrated again. You know how H said last week with that whole thing about how much he misses me and how he needs me to show that I want him, so I decided fine, I'll put myself out there again. On Thurs night, I text H to ask what plans he had this weekend. He said just that he was thinking about going out with his friends to watch some band on Fri night but nothing else going on (note that he had just hung out with his friends Weds and Thurs night). Hello? Do I fit anywhere in here? I don't really say much back, but then on Friday morning, it all sets in, so I texted him very straightfoward and bold, that basically this was me being straight on with him and how we're growing distance (his words) b/c we're not spending time together, so for him to ditch the friends that night and spend it with me. Then, me thinkging I'm being all savy, set up these boundaries that he had to come early this time and that he couldn't spend the night unless he was going to get up in the morning, so we could do something fun with S (no more just sleeping all day while S tries to get his attention!) He texts back a few minutes later that he already had his stuff in the car and wanted to be there in time to feed S his dinner and how he wouldn't be spending the night anyways b/c he can't sleep on my mattress. Ok then. (I'm already patting myself on the back here). So, H gets there, has dinner with us, helps feed S, plays with him for a bit, and then by an hour later he's texting with his friends and is getting ready to leave. OMG, he used my own boundaries against me as my boundaried fit right into his plan to be able to see S and hang out with his friends (but I had asked him to ditch the friends to have us time, which obviously did not happen) - totally trying to have his cake and eat it too. Obviously, I'm not going to beg him to stay or anything, so I just asked it he could help me get S ready for bed before he left, which he did.

By then, I was too annoyed and wasn't even going to ask about Saturday. Around noon though I get a text from H saying how sorry he is that he's not going to be able to come down b/c he is completely out of work shirts and must do laundry and has to go into work early. I'm sure it's an ADD thing, but honestly, there are 6 other days in the week he can do laundry - why does he have to wait for the one day where he could come to see us to do it? Oh wait, that's right, he was too busy getting his tattoo this week. Arrrrr! Anyways, we couldn't have done much with S anyway b/c he came down with some illness and had a fever and horrible congestion/cough, but it still would have been nice to have his support. Having a sick child is not easy b/c they just don't understand, and are just so crabby and fussy. It's hard though with S, b/c when he gets sick, he gets glued to me and won't let anyone else touch him. The days were long but at least he's been doing pretty good at night.

But back to H, despite my frustration, Sat night, I decided to try one more time. I texted H to let him know how S was doing and that b/c S was sick we would not be going to church so if he wanted to come over. He texts back that he's going to a friends bbq for his b-day, but will let me know if anything changes. Oh, thank you, how thoughtful. Gag me!

So needless to say, I'm over it all. I put myself out there and got rejected, so now I know where we're at. I just really feel like me and S will never be a priority. It's always something else - friends, work, going out, etc. It's just like pick me, pick S, and pick our family, and the rest we can work on. Whatever! If there was an easy way to cut ties, I would so do it, but I know a D is going to be painful on all parties. So I guess I kind of just go back into my protective shell again, and if H finally wants to make us a priority great, otherwise there's not much more I can do. Another bad weekend...

[awest1217]

So Sorry! I completely understand the sick kid thing. It is so much harder because you never get a weekend and tomorrow starts work again, but he gets to go and hang out or do whatever he wants without any responsibility. What would he do if you did D? How would he even get to have S at all with his work schedule? He would have to change it then if he was even to see S at all.

Oh well...I say just go back to the plan as before and if he complains let him know that you tried and he pushed you away.

So Sorry again!

[Lucky11too]

He complained and complained about the one time he didn't get to see S b/c I was busy, but it's ok for him not to see him whenever he's busy. I don't even know how he expects to see him with a D. He's for sure not going to be coming over to "visit" at my house, so he'll have to find good blocks of time (which he doesn't have or doesn't seem to currently make) in order to set up a custody schedule. I don't know how he's even going to handle it b/c he really doesn't even know S (really how much can u learn from a few hours a week). So, I don't know, that will be an interesting bridge to cross.

So, I was pretty annoyed all day, while I was sitting there and trying to comfort S as he's crying b/c he doesn't feel good, and H is out having a great time over at his bbq. Boils my blood! Of course I wouldn't change being a mommy for the world, but it's just frustrating when the person who is suppose to be your support person in all this takes no responsibility for their own son and is instead out without a care in the world while I make all the sacrifices in the world. But I guess ever since S was born he has never been there for us, so why would anything change now! Grrr.

Ok, enough venting about that. I didn't hear from H all day (another thing that was upsetting me b/c he knew how sick S was and didn't even check in) until right after I went to sleep, he finally texts to ask how S was doing. I tell him how his fever is gone now but that he has just been completely miserable all day. And the response I get back "ditto". Ok....so I ask if he got S's cold and he says that it's his alleries and asthma getting to him. I respond that it has been worse lately for him and I wonder why. And that was that. No other responses. Wow, way to turn it back around to him. It's always about him!

Ok, I guess I'm venting again, but I'm just really disappointed in him. I thought we were actually going somewhere finally, but I guess it was just a temporary phase - his thing of the moment! Our whole 9 years together, he would always get on these kicks (bicyling, snowboarding, school, internet biz, etc), get totally into it, buy all the gear or whatever, and then it would be over almost as fast as it started. I was the only constant and the only thing he stuck with. People who knew him were always surprised about us b/c that's how he was about everything. I'm sure it's an ADD thing, but I guess it became my time 2 years ago and again in these little phases now. My only sliver of hope left is that he'll do the surgery soon and find some healing and come to his senses about what's truly important in life. Otherwise our D clock is ticking.