What does this mean?- the WH's regrets?

[gatsby11]

NM, yes NC brings peace! It's really great. He hasn't contacted me except to respond to my contract email.

Do I want to know about OW? I guess not really. It would hurt for sure! I'm happy just assuming something is going on without really knowing. That way I don't think about it much.

I don't really have plans to actively fight for the M until. . . maybe October or so. As a last try before really being done. I suppose I should try to find out about an OW at that time. I figure I should hear about it by then. . . my city is big and growing, but it's still "small" so people might report sightings to me.

Heh heh, yeah I know I'm a catch. So many of us are! Really, I know that these guys would be lucky if we got back with them. I'm so confused about it now, and that's why I know I'd be in a similar situation to you, PH, if he and I ever got to a piecing place.

In fact, I thought about your post over on your thread all morning. This is what I came up with: if a spouse dies, the funeral helps bring closure and you know you have to move on. But if the spouse leaves with no real closure, you have to create your own. And if you two try to make it work, there may come a point when things are "okay" but definitely not what you were looking for. Then you wonder, do I keep waiting? Or is this closure now? (Because you want to feel that you've given the M a full chance.) And that would be a really really difficult step.

It's easier if you throw your life into DBing and you just keep trying 'til one of you dies. But some people aren't cut out for that. I don't think I am. Because like I said I actually want him to "pursue" me; I actually want to get to a place where I feel fully comfortable in my skin and confident that we are committed.

So that means that I will have to decide when I'm done with it, if he ever wanted to "come back."

Anyway, one day at a time. Today, putting him out of my mind and thinking about baby prep and the rest of my evening!