how do i keep my hope alive?

[Vulcanized]

thanks, ruined. i haven't really had much contact with this guy, mostly because i know i am not ready for anything more than a fling, and i don't want him to be a fling. although now that i've emailed with him a few times and run into him, i find myself thinking about him A LOT, and now it's almost like i've shifted my obsessing over my H to obsessing over this guy. he (OM) hasn't returned an email i sent him the other day, so i'm trying to take what i've learned here and not let him control my emotional state.

You'll know when you are ready for anything. I do think that your first time at bat [the general you, not just you specifically] is meant to be more fling than R. But that's just my opinion.

If you feel like your obsessing over OM, then that is probably a strong indicator that you aren't ready yet. Or, that was how I felt about my OM. Too much, too soon = I shouldn't be doing this yet.

there are a lot of other fish in the sea, sure. i liked my fish just fine, but that's not the hand i've been dealt at the moment. i never thought i'd be looking at other fish again. other fish come with their own fishy issues and problems, no amount of shiny new-ness will ever make me forget that. hopefully i will get to a point in the next few weeks/months where i am ready to approach this, but i'm not pushing myself. OM extended an open ended invite for lunch that i know i want to take him up on...but not now while i'm still such a mess.

Know what you mean. And it is a good idea to wait until you think you may be ready. If you're feeling a mess, it's hard to imagine not messing up someone else's life. Again, just speaking from my own recent personal experience.

i haven't even signed a separation agreement at this point, and my H moved out just 3 months ago. that said, in my state, we're only 3 months shy of being eligible for filing for an uncontested D. in my mind, i'm still married, and though i'm interested in this guy...i struggle within myself at the idea of being with this guy, when i also want to DB and stand behind the vows that i made only 2.5 years ago.

That's been a rough one for me. Want to save M, yet ... here I am (was) w/OM. I do think it is good to have interest/attraction in OM, as it shows a modicum of hope for the future. Sort of much as I love H, want M, well, if it doesn't work out, there are other options available. It's a weird dichotomy.

early on, i was worried H was going to start dating or at least sleeping with other people, because, well, that's what guys do. i didn't even blink when a guy friend said to me earlier this week to just assume that my H had already done that (slept with someone)...so i think it's a good sign that i'm not throwing myself out there in an effort to "keep up" with what i think my H is doing.

Keeping up/getting revenge/whatever you want to call it: bad idea. Unfair to the OP, and selling yourself short, imo. In my sitch, (sexual) tension w/OM had been afoot since Nov., about the same time I could no longer deny to myself that H was sleeping w/OW. Still, waited 4 months until I was ready to sexual w/someone. Still felt guilty, though. More proof that I'm not ready yet.

I wouldn't say it's unreasonable to assume your H has/is sexually involved. If nothing else, you won't be blindsided & devastated if you find that to be the case. You have to do what you feel is best for you, when you feel it is best for you. Regardless of what H is doing. You are both in different places, so what is right for you may be [is?] radically different than what is right for him.

Hope that is helpful. (((tta)))