What does this mean?- the WH's regrets?

[soleil]

^ As for ratings, on the Bad list, I say we are 6 out o 7. The "stonewalling" (#6) is the #1 issue that led us where we are, IMO.

We are doing MC and talking more now though.

God that sounds pathetic. LOL.

[newmama]

the link isn't great--sorry I just googled gottman 7 factors and found the list. but search for Gottman and I bet you'd get good stuff!

[gatsby11]

Soleil, I need to check out your thread. . . maybe in just a second!

Looked through some Gottman stuff; very interesting, thanks again NM.

Good news: I had some technology issues to work out (wireless quit working, one laptop just shut town) and I just fixed them both! Yaaaaaay! Now there's just this video thing-- a Flip or something-- that I have to figure out how to charge. Hmm. . .

[gatsby11]

Flip taken care of. Awww yeah!

[gatsby11]

Journaling:

I went to a bookstore tonight and picked up the book he wanted me to read back in Jan-- something like Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Controlled Separation. It's nice NOW (that time has passed) that he was even interested in "controlled" sep! That means going to counseling once a week but living in separate places. And I think a weekly date/phone call, too.

At the time, I was like "no way" to having that separation. And now I'm like, "I could have all that right now?" I guess I've definitely learned a lot. . . would have done things a bit differently! But who is an expert in DBing without the crisis? Almost no one!

Anyway. So I went back to my journal which I haven't read since I wrote. And I did notice that there were definitely things I would try to do differently now. I reacted strongly to him, so he reacted strongly to me. I even wrote up a separation plan, guys, and left it on the computer for him. (I would take the red chair, the bed, etc.) He came home and was so upset about it, he slept somewhere else. My perspective at the time was: why are you upset when I am putting into action what you've had in words? But now I see that I worsened his fragile state by responding so forcefully.

After we had that one couples therapy session, I wanted to meet with him again the following weekend to lay out a plan until birth. I wanted to say that we would decide in April (right about now!) if we wanted to try couples therapy again. But two days later I journaled something like, "screw him! I don't want to see him!" So we never met up, I got my own apartment, and I GALed/NCed. A few weeks after that I found this website and some of you ladies!

I still definitely think that he needs to take the first step in any R talks. But it's very difficult for me right now because I always turned his thoughts into action, always. (I may have written this before.) I was the do-er, he was the dream-er. So I wonder if I should try doing what I originally wrote in my journal-- meet up to see where we are now. Do we want to try MC or not. (Er, I guess I'm asking does HE.)

But I should probably wait until after the birth. . . sheesh.

I know I've swung from anger to interest in reconciliation this week. Reading that book and realizing he was offering that to me right around Jan 16 just makes me wonder. . . if I could get that back. (I do have to clarify that he went back and forth on the counseling point. He did want to do it, he didn't, he did, he didn't, but it was never really to improve the marriage. Just to improve communication. I'll even take THAT right now.)

I think that I've detached enough that I could handle improved communication. Then again, I would probably regret it.

Oh boy (sigh). I am not making sense.

It's ok, though. I will not do anything rashly. Not at all. Just thinking, musing, journaling.

[pearlharbr]

Gatsby, I just read through your entire sitch.

If you have reason to believe that your H is not sleeping at home and an EA/PA is a deal breaker for you, why haven't you done anything about finding out one way or the other? Ignoring something doesn't make it go away.

I understand that you have a lot going on right now with the pregnancy, but I think you do need to ask yourself what your deal breakers are. Because things are only going to get crazier after the baby is born and you will be highly emotional and sleep deprived--not exactly the best recipe for acting rationally. Better to make a plan now so you have something to follow.

Personally I think the red flags for OW are there. I also think you must protect yourself and your child legally and financially. Get that child support agreement in writing ASAP. If necessary, file for D. Just do NOT trust your H to do the right thing no matter what he says. Better safe than sorry. And D is not an insurmountable obstacle to you reconciling.

[gatsby11]

Thanks, I really appreciate your advice.

I guess I don't know how to find out about an EA/PA without following him and that's just. . . I don't like that. He has already said "no" to me and his family about it.

Is it a dealbreaker for me? I don't know. Yes, no. Ironically enough, it's like the more I detach, the less of a dealbreaker it is. I get stoic like "if it's meant to be, it will happen." Or maybe I'm just being nostalgic.

(Sidenote: I read somewhere this week that LBS brains have the addiction part stimulated after the split. So I also wonder. . . am I just continuing my addiction to the idea of reconcilation?)

I guess the bottom line is that if he is truly is regretful, truly wants to work on things, and works really hard, I will accept that. Maybe my dealbreaker is that he is not that way. Another dealbreaker is time. I don't know where I'll be in 6 months, a year, etc.

Yes, there are definitely OW flags for sure. Bottom line is I believe he has an EA at minimum.

I've got that agreement in writing, and he says he will get it back to me soon. He also says he will have a check to me with the first payment by May 1st, which is what my contract said. I'm all about the child support stuff, and I know that D may be the answer if he stalls on it.

Pearl Harbr, I really do appreciate that you read through my entire sitch. If you have any more ideas, I definitely welcome them. I should check out your thread because it looked like you ended it and now you're piecing. Interesting.

[newmama]

Has your H tried to contact you recently? Is NC bringing you peace?

About the EA/PA possibility. If there is infidelity, then that changes things. It makes it even harder to DB. So I do think it is worth knowing because if you are fighting for your M and he is not responding due to an OW, you will be wasting your energy until OW is out of the pic.

I hope there isn't!!! Do you want to know? If you suspect, then try to find out when you are ready to handle the truth in case there is an A.

[pearlharbr]

Gatsby, sorry if I come across as blunt. I've had a rough couple days and I sometimes let that show through in my posts. Please understand that I don't intend to be mean. I feel a blunt perspective is often lacking and offer that to people who I think can handle it (because that's what I respond to).

Newmama is right and that's why I bring up OW. It's a different ballgame with an EA/PA going on. Strict DBing says to ignore the OP but in my experience (and MANY others here) ignoring it and letting the WAS cake-eat simply does not work. Newmama and I have a friend here (mindfull) who has been DBing her butt off for the last 1.5 years only to find out now that her H is cheating and likely has been for 2+ years. Similar thing with courts0818, her H just admitted his A and she's reeling from the discovery. Being blindsided is bad, being prepared is good.

If there is OW in the picture then don't believe for a second that your responses pushed H further away. I think his plan for controlled separation was just a way to set himself up to explore his other option and keep you on the back burner in case things with OW didn't work out.

It doesn't have to be a deal breaker for you. I thought it was for me, then realized it wasn't. (Well, it still may be, I haven't really decided 100%.) I do think that now is the time to really contemplate it.

Yes, I did end things with BF and prepared to move forward on my own. That is when he came back around. Just like you saw movement when you brought up filing for D. When you backed down things went back to limbo status quo.

I loved reading your posts that talked about being happy with yourself for yourself, not for bringing your H back. And I agree 100% with the idea that H should come back because he wants to, not because you pressured or coerced him in any way.

I know that DB says not to file or move the D along if it isn't what you want. I subscribed to that philosophy at the begninning. If BF wanted out then he was going to have to man up and say so, I wasn't going to do his dirty work for him. But then I realized that who he was (lying, cheating coward) was pathetic and I wanted no part of that. If he didn't have the balls to end things then I certainly did and good riddance. That is when I truly let go of everything and he knew it.

Don't file as a tactic because there is no guarantee your H will suddenly realize the error of his ways and come running back. But understand that unless there is a crisis he is unlikely to do that.

As gucci loafer likes to say, men are a dime a dozen and you've got a pocketful of change. Why would you want a poor excuse for a man who doesn't want or deserve you? You sound like a smart, sassy, independent woman--you're a great catch. Men marry single mothers all the time (my dad did). If your H isn't willing to stand up and be the man you deserve then someone else will.

Ok, climbing off my soap box now.

P.S. Just because he said there isn't someone else doesn't mean a damn thing. All cheaters lie. Period. They cling to their lies even when confronted with hard evidence to the contrary. If your gut is telling you something is going on then it is.

[gatsby11]

NM, yes NC brings peace! It's really great. He hasn't contacted me except to respond to my contract email.

Do I want to know about OW? I guess not really. It would hurt for sure! I'm happy just assuming something is going on without really knowing. That way I don't think about it much.

I don't really have plans to actively fight for the M until. . . maybe October or so. As a last try before really being done. I suppose I should try to find out about an OW at that time. I figure I should hear about it by then. . . my city is big and growing, but it's still "small" so people might report sightings to me.

Heh heh, yeah I know I'm a catch. So many of us are! Really, I know that these guys would be lucky if we got back with them. I'm so confused about it now, and that's why I know I'd be in a similar situation to you, PH, if he and I ever got to a piecing place.

In fact, I thought about your post over on your thread all morning. This is what I came up with: if a spouse dies, the funeral helps bring closure and you know you have to move on. But if the spouse leaves with no real closure, you have to create your own. And if you two try to make it work, there may come a point when things are "okay" but definitely not what you were looking for. Then you wonder, do I keep waiting? Or is this closure now? (Because you want to feel that you've given the M a full chance.) And that would be a really really difficult step.

It's easier if you throw your life into DBing and you just keep trying 'til one of you dies. But some people aren't cut out for that. I don't think I am. Because like I said I actually want him to "pursue" me; I actually want to get to a place where I feel fully comfortable in my skin and confident that we are committed.

So that means that I will have to decide when I'm done with it, if he ever wanted to "come back."

Anyway, one day at a time. Today, putting him out of my mind and thinking about baby prep and the rest of my evening!