Time for darkness.... (thread number 3)ears open

[james217]

First of all I made it to 46 hours of NC. I did pretty well.

I will start off by journaling and then answering your reply CITY GIRL. WAW and I met up today to discuss a few things. No date. Yesterday was strictly business (althought there was a little affection)

Earlier I bought WAW a bday cake as well as flowers for her and flowers for my mother. I got a small card that was not too sentimental but just wished belated bday wishes.

The first order of business was to get SD8 a “build a bear” for good behavior and good grades. She made the honor roll. Her twin cousins have them and they don’t have a “build a bear” in her area and I did not want to disappoint her. So we hooked up my laptop and picked out two outfits and a nice bear for her and sent it to paternal grandmother. It felt good working as a team to do something for one of the kiddies.

The second order of business was we did have a little party for her bday. Just the two of us. She was really down stating how old she feels and how she has gained weight. Possible MLC? So we ate cake, she blew out her candles for her 36th bday , blew up balloons and tried to make animals and ended up both laughing.

The third order of business was for her to take the tests for job. So she did that. It took a few hours for her to complete.

The fourth order of business was to discuss finances and health. I informed WAW about the P.O.A. I stated that if she does not get help to deal with what she is going through, I will no longer be her POA because she is refusing to listen to what several doctors and psychologists have said. She started off by stating she is fine. I validated and stated although she may feel fine at certain times, she should still really consider getting the help. I went over her medical records with her and showed her what was stated to refresh her memory. She stated she is going to get help by going to I.C. recommended to her 3 times.

I also stated that if she does not stop wasting money, I will no longer bail her out of situations. I informed her of how low our savings has become (still somewhat ok there there) and even though I start work on Monday, she needs to get serious about finding work because her unemployment benefits will run out in a few more months. She agreed which is why she took all of the tests. We went over the budget and then I agreed to provide her with a small weekly allowance (transportation by bus, to make sure she can pay for her epileptic meds, and a few things she cannot afford even if she budgets properly) to help her maintain but I must see her actively seeking work and going to I.C. or she will no longer receive that support.

Around this time, S10 called. I was excited because I had not heard from him since spring break. I talked to him for awhile and then he talked to WAW for an extremely long time. You could hear the excitement in his voice. He was so loud and happy to talk to WAW that I could make out some of what he was saying to her. He was telling her about school, the honor roll, his lemonade stand, and how much he can’t wait to see her. He was excited that the two of us were spending some time together. He brought up biomom and how she went out of town and left him with his Godparents and wanted to come see us. I talked to him afterwards and then we got off the phone. Maybe a 45 minute conversation. We all said our ILYs and that was that.

When we got off the phone WAW was almost in tears. She said how much she misses him. She said maybe her life does have a purpose and maybe she’s not the bad mother she thinks she is. She started talking about S3 and SD8 as well. So about the next 30 mins we talked about all three of the children. She brought up past happy memories with all of them and a few tears finally left her eyes. She did most of the talking. She stated how she really really misses the boys. She started talking about S3 and I could tell she was really trying not to cry. She stated how mature S10 sounds and how he said how much he missed her and when she was coming home. I validated her feelings and told her that’s what keeps me going. Our kiddies need us and we need to set a better example and stop all of this crap behavior and handle situations with respect for one another and be responsible. She agreed.

She stated she is starting to miss me and the kiddies a lot. She stated that when I think she’s having a good time with some O.M. most of the time she’s in her room crying or sleeping or watching t.v. to not think about it. She spends the rest of her time with me or talking to her family.

Her sister called. She answered it and there was a brief like 3 minute conversation about one of their favorite movies on T.V. O.M. E.A. called too. She answered the phone and stated she would call him back. For the first time, I asked her about him. She said they are just friends. Nothing is going on. She was not defensive about him like she was when I asked her about the P.A. (who she no longer talks to) I did not get upset. I just stated a few things about trust. She asked if I had any “friends.” I said that I did. I also stated that I know how to not cross the line with them. She asked if any were interested in me. I stated they may be I honestly don’t know but we just have talks.

She stated how she needed to get herself together in every aspect and surprised me by stating she was going to church on Sunday. I then began telling her how she will probably not see or talk to me for awhile. She asked me why and got really sad. I stated I am trying to work and handle my health issues and find a way to fit my I.C. into my schedule for the anger management sessions.

There was a little cuddling and affectionate kissing but we did not ML. She stated that it confuses her and although she enjoys our MLing she just wants to enjoy my company sometimes without us always doing that. I said that’s fine and validated.

I walked her out and she got into the taxi and went home. She called me and let me know she made it in safely and we had a little fun talk for a few mins. She stated she had a really really great time and doesn’t feel so bad about turning 36. She also stated how she missing her family.

Maybe reality is sinking in? I don’t know

For some reason I just don’t have the sense of desperation anymore. I’m learning how to make it. I’m living life. I’m getting ready for my new job tomorrow. I’m just really focused on what I need to do.


after I got off the phone with WAW, about 30 mins later I get another text message stating how she really enjoyed my company and had a good time and thank you for everything especially cheering her up a little bit about nearing what she calls "the big four Oh"