I picked up the kids today. Just kept it businesslike. She made a point of telling me I'm a good dad.
Good for keeping it businesslike. You ARE a good dad; shouldn't matter whether she notices or comments on that.
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And - just got off the phone with her, talking for over an hour. And it's that whole "I don't know what to do with you" thing. Yeah, that, this situation sucks but let's just talk to each other for a little while...
Ok, an hour, and sounds like you weren't at all just focused on the kids. You need to detach more (some at least) and this does not help. Discuss what you need to about kids or business, and then end the call. If you have a lot of GALing planned, you won't be able to talk for an hour anyway.
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She wanted me to say she's a good mom.
This is the kind of stuff you both shouldn't be doing. It's no longer her or your place to judge each other or critique your parenting. If she wants to end the marriage, she needs to look for validation elsewhere, and you shouldn't be doing that.
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- but - what a WASTE. I do wish I could have been a better man - wiser, stronger, more supportive, more in touch, whatever it was, whatever my part was. Squandered.
I've had those kind of thoughts too, but how I try to deal with those is realize you can't change the past; you did the best you could at the time. You realize you have issues to work on, so take that energy about thinking of the past and use it instead to focus on making those changes now. Make yourself the better man today and every day. I also think none of us are perfect, we all maybe focus too much on the kids or work or whatever, but our spouses don't all go off and have affairs. So don't beat yourself up.
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It's funny, you think about what you want - if you could fix it - and would you do it - and I want that girl I married, not trying to fix the wreckage we have now. I've asked her before - ARE YOU STILL IN THERE? WHERE ARE YOU? I asked her tonight, what happened to that girl?
I've had those thoughts too. I think I loved/love the boy/man I was married to the first 18 years or so, but the last 3 years, don't like or love that guy. And you need to stop asking her questions like where are you? People change; she probably doesn't know herself. And if you're detached as you should be, you should be focused on yourself and your boys, and not your W so much.
Ok, sorry to be so critical today. It IS good you're doing better on maintaining your physical boundaries, but you still need to work on the emotional boundaries at this point.
