This is probably a question which has been asked many times before, but do they know when they are reconnecting?
I have seen signs of reconnecting with friends and my family, extended family, our kids. He is asking S about pets and home. H started to text me in January, and then in March he withdrew for 3 weeks, after a spew, and didn't contact me at all until last week when he asked if he could come to the house to collect some things he wanted. (He has not been to the house since September) Any suggestion of how to play this when he comes?
I have read the article on Reconnection and he does seem to be following the pattern. I have seen touch and go's in the past. I heve no expectations. I would just like to know if anyone else has seen these sort of things happen.
H, Do they know that they are reconnecting? Deep down I believe they do on some level, but not on the conscious level. You have to remember, they don't always remember all of what they say and do during the crisis.
If the ow is still in the picture, it's not a true reconnection process. During replay and throughout the crisis, they can have touch and gos and we can misinterpret them as complete reconnections and they are not. As long as the op is in the picture, it's touching base w/home, i.e., holding on to that one loose thread of sanity w/the old life.
Schedule a time that is convenient for you to have your h come over and pick up a few things. I would be at home, but busy when he comes over. If he wants to chat, treat him just as you would a friend. Don't ask questions that would appear to be of a personal nature to him, don't bring up the relationship, etc. Follow his lead in the convesation department.
The visit went really well, plenty of eye contact. He stayed about 1 1/2 hours altogther and seemed really relaxed. He seemed like he was testing my reactions by talking about things he had done or is doing. He talked about the pets, asking questions about them. Certain things he couldn't remember when I answered him, even though I know S has told him these things previously. He has asked if I would mind if he comes and walks the dog sometimes. He has offered to do things for me and our kids and seems to be seeing these through, as I have had texts from him regaurding these. I followed your advise snodderly and took his lead and just listened to what he had to say, didn't ask any questions, didn't mention OW and didn't bring up our R. He did say would I mind if he came again, I said that would be ok. He has been again since the initial visit and text often. He has been in contact with my family increasingly since Dec and they are commenting about his calls to me, and he has arranged to do things with them which he used to do before all this happened.
I have no expectations as I know the OW is still on the scene. Do you think this could be the end of replay?
I'm glad to see that everything went well. Sounds like he feels comfortable in coming to your home and being around you and the children. This is a huge step in the right direction. How close to the end of replay is he? He's close, but as long as the ow is in the picture, it's still replay and he could withdraw back into his shell if he feels he's moved too quickly or senses expectations from you.
As long as you treat him as a friend and keep your expectations at zero, you should be fine. He needs to feel "safe" in your home environment and it sounds like he does at this time. Always thank him for anything that he does. If he brings up a conversation about something that you both are interested in, ask questions or show interest in what he has to say....this is very important.
From your posting, it sounds like you did a great job w/his visit! Keep up the good work.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks so much snodderly for your reply. I haven't taken on board alot of the advice from both yourself, HB, vinlad etc from the archives and I am quite well read on MLC.
I am finding things very confusing at the moment as I think H has taken a bigger step forward through the tunnel. I know he is still in replay, but I have also heard from others, many signs of depression and withdrawal too.
I agree with what I have read, that it is so hard not to push the MLCer when you see signs of movement through the tunnel. He just seemed so very relaxed and confortable in the house. He even payed me a compliment lol
As long as you do not push and/or expect something from him, you will be okay. As long as he feels safe and relaxed, that's a good sign.
It's very difficult when they begin reconnecting and come around and do things, etc., for the lbs tends to "hop on the band wagon" and begin pushing and/or expecting things, not realizing that this will push them back in the other direction.
If you can continue as you have been, things should continue to progress.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
One of the questions I've had is, when does the real reconnection begin? Is it as replay is coming to an end?
I get so confused because she has a lot more eye contact and smiles more. She invites me places and does small things for me, but then I find out she's on 3 different dating sites. I saw her latest one and the description of her ideal match is a description of me. Do I just ontinue to treat her as a friend?
Reconnecting can begin in replay, but the full reconnection will not take place w/the op in the picture. Usually you will begin to see stronger signs of reconnection after the depression/withdrawal stages. It sounds like your spouse is still very much in replay if she's on dating sites. She may consider you a friend or someone to pal around w/right now. You are safe and she doesn't feel comfortable in asking someone else. Even though there is more eye contact and they are friendlier, it could be moments of clarity and nothing more. I'm not trying to rain on your parade, but she's not in full reconnection mode yet.
One of the things everyone needs to remember is that full reconnection takes place in the opposite order of when they went into crisis. For example, going into crisis, you are the first to be cut out of their lives, family, pets and co-workers are next, etc. Reconnection begins w/co-workers, family, pets and then you. They become more aware and interested in their surroundings and then in what you, the spouse have and are doing. You will be the last one in the chain for full reconnection. Just as they become the exact opposites, so shall their journey to and from the Land of Oz.
If you are seeing more interaction, then treat them as you would a friend, no expectations! Continue doing what you've been doing. Keep focusing on you and your family...that's very important. The old saying "a watched pot never boils"...that is so very true in mlc....
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
IF XH would try and recconect again. How do you respond? How do you seem like a freind? How do you not come off too interested or hopeful? How do you seem detached but not uncareing and yet still interested? Do I make any sense?
Just curious... TOH
was theotherhalf M43 H43 M22 T25 MLC/OW bomb 4/07 Hmoved out 8/07 D6/09 Still trying to accept and move on...
