From the end.. spring new beginnings

[Bridgestone]

Conflict is an attachment in and of itself. By holding on to that finger-pointing, justified as it may be, you're still holding on. There is as much of an attachment with disappointment or anger/hate as with love.

After our session on the decks with my cold beer, sans yours, I spent some more time thinking about what you had put here. As usual, you make me think about things in ways I had not before. I so appreciate that about you.

The thing to strive for is not feeling the need to comment on it anymore. To let that attachment, and the associated tally-card of who did what, go - frustrating as that may be.

yes it is frustrating. I have gotten some better with that, the need to rehash every word & nuance of what he says and needing to understand the "WHY" is fading. He is who he is.. part of thanking him for continuing to do things that are part of the reason I left him, does help keep me in the moment & detached. Maybe that's a twisted way to do it, but for me it helps me be move along that detachment continuum.

He is who he is and I can recognize his behaviours as something I don't want in my life....just as I can watch a acquaintance/colleague that I'm getting to know here and recognize that they exhibit behaviours & values that are not something i want in my life.

With the XH... I'm reducing the value I place on our R when I see it.. the sum is not to zero yet. I recognize that and I right now I struggle to see when in my life I would have a zero value in some type of R with the man. Maybe I'll get there maybe I won't.. for now, I can recognize it's not there.

This particular exchange last week with him, for some reason, was very hurtful, yet it helped a lot of pieces click into place for me, which gave me some peace. It helped many of his actions over the past couple years make so much more sense to me.. it helped to answer the "WHY".

Which alleviated some of my inner blame & guilt... that I didn't do enough to work the process, that I didn't stick with it long enough, that I didn't support him getting the IC help he said he wanted & needed to work through his own issues to come back to MC in a more healthy place.

When I step back & look at that through the lens you helped me see with I can see how that is more of me thinking I can control outcomes, by taking on the blame.. in an indirect way it's me thinking that I could have made a difference.

Trust me,

I do and given my past I do not give trust easily... yet that is why I think abot what you say. Because i trust you & know you care about me to tell me these things in a way that helps me reframe it. That is a priceless gift. Thank you.

. Until you learn to truly accept that it was what it was and to let it go, you'll never truly be free.

perhaps not

Leave that completely behind and trust solely in yourself now.

I want to be able to trust someone others in my life too. I'm not sure how to walk this line and maybe I'm not understanding what you mean by trust solely in myself??

Not trying to be a wet blanket on your progress, because it seems like you're doing great.

.. most days I am ... this week & week-end has been me GAL'ing a lot trying to get into a better frame of mind to think about these things. I have a dear friend who is also going through some similar issues with her H.. the physical stuff & it's triggering things for me, not bad.. just feelings & I know they pass.

Thanks for being here.
Peace

Bridge