i didn't say i deserved to get more sympathy then men on here.
It is not necessary to speak directly when there is an implication. Sometimes a person doesn’t consciously think they deserve something, but their actions show that perhaps subconsciously they do. Statistics are unreliable because they give dry data without offering reasons. Why do men remarry more than women? Maybe it is because they want to and the women do not. In the past I’ve read information that suggests men are healthier within marriage and women are healthier outside of it. I can’t recall the source, but I think I saw it in multiple places. I’m not saying I believe or disbelieve it, but maybe men ore more needy and dependent. Maybe women thrive better taking care of themselves than men. The statistic does say that it is because men have a better chance of finding someone; they are finding women.
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I realize we are all trying to save our marriage and families with all our heart and souls
Trying presupposed failure; what that means is that people say they will try so that when things fail they have an excuse. My husband kept saying he would try to make our marriage work, or try to end the affair or to stop contacting the OW. It was a word that meant he was dismissing me while wanting me to believe he there was an effort. He may have been genuine about working on our marriage—though he believed he could do that while having an affair (really, he believed it), but he often had no intention of breaking off the affair or stopping contact with the OW.
Those who have the best results toward reconciliation do not try. They let-go. Years ago a Job Corp instructor brought a group boating. He did not provide life jackets and several were non-swimmers. There was an accident and one of the young men drowned. When they brought him up, he had a piece of one of the other’s shirt clenched in his hand. That other person would have been pulled down with him had he tried to grab on or not tried to free himself. The only one trained in lifesaving was the instructor…and that was minimally. I know because my mother had been the instructor. My husband was a clinger in MLC, he kept trying to grab on. You are the clinger right now and I’m concerned that you are sinking.
A lot of DB’ing is counter-intuitive. You want control and you think you will get it with knowledge, so you snoop and stalk. The last time before my husband left he was calling the OW from our home phone—having lost the cell phone she’d given to him. He was calling her and talking only because he knew it would bother me. He knew I could check the phone logs. He told me this later. I checked them a bit, but I couldn’t keep doing it because it sent me spinning. I was worried, my heart was racing and I was susceptible to panicking. I quickly caught on that the calls were for my benefit and let that knowledge calm me.
Power and Control doesn’t come from knowing what other people are and are not doing. They come only from your Self. And until you focus on that person, you will continue to be in reactive mode.
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i felt like you were attacking me with your post, and that is not fair. Like seeking answers said " Its like you were throwing 2x4 at me". I believe you misinterpreted my post.
I understood your post; it was clear. Victim-mode causes you to be more sensitive to criticism.
I’ve seen what happens though…I was at your funeral in January. You share too much with my best friend. I’ve seen it before, but it has me concerned in your case because you are no longer in the beginning of the crisis. Yes, I know you’ve just been hit again after he was home. But it wasn’t over yet. I had a multiple returner and have some experience with such things.
I couldn’t change her and I cannot change you. But I also told her what I saw while supporting her Stand. As a fellow Stander I was the only one who did that, her other friends and family got tired of it and couldn’t handle listening anymore. We always knew we had each other…until now when I’m the only one left. I won’t sit back and pretend everything is okay while you are falling apart. The people on here hurt when you hurt and because you hurt. Since you jog daily, I already know that you are healthier than she was and that is a relief. But there are many LBSs who have talked about this happening to their own mothers—were you one of those? They talked about how it destroyed her; she never recovered. For some they use that to avoid the same destruction. If my husband left again I would be devastated but not destroyed; and I would Stand. Devastation at this phase when you are back in a crisis you thought was over is understandable; I’m worried that you are beyond that and headed for destruction.
Remember how I told you that my friend’s Stand killed her, but it was not her MLCer’s fault? Same with you. Your husband is to blame for leaving and being Monster, but he is not responsible for how you react. Learn to respond instead. Reactive mode is a loss of control and power. These are things I want you to work on with your counselor. I’m going to tell you that I care only about you and not about your MLCer and that I want you to do the same. I’m not going to tell you that you deserve better than him because I think you deserve better than to be abandoned and divorced. But I will tell you that you deserve to be treated better than you are treating your Self.
There are probably times I’ve knowingly written 2X4s, but it’s not my style. I’m not doing it here. Maybe it’s a pillow fight—those can sting and the feathers can make breathing tough, plus they are mess to clean up.
My concern is for you. I know how DB’ing works and I know how it doesn’t work. I also know that it is difficult to trust in something that is counter-intuitive. Surrendering to God is one of the most difficult things you can do. But look at the last three words of that sentence: you can do. I’m not saying you will, I’m saying that it is within your ability; the choice is yours…so when you’re ready…
