h called and asked me if son could go to sea shore with him tomorrow and stay over til Sat. I said "no I dont want to be alone". I don't think my son wants to go away with him anyway. H betrayed both me and my son.
Isn’t your son 15? He may not want to go, but he should get to decide. MLCers are selfish, but right now you are also being selfish. I am concerned that if your son does want to go you would take it personally. Your son may feel torn, not wanting to go because it is what you want or truly not wanting to go and being afraid to tell his Dad. He most likely has one parent (Dad) who he resents and may not feel comfortable being honest about his feelings with him. One parent like this is bad enough; help your son to feel comfortable with you.
Originally Posted By: Rysmom
I told h how bad he hurt us… I want him to know how bad he hurt me and my son.
He knows, even if you didn’t keep shoving it down his throat he would still know. MLCers run from guilt and you are trying to force his guilt on him. You are thus enabling his escape. He doesn’t feel safe with you, he feels judged by you.
Trust that he feels guilt through his conscience rather than the toxic guilt that comes from an external source. He may not show it now, but guilt takes time and it festers as it grows. When it is not toxic, guilt is a healthy response. Let it happen naturally.
Originally Posted By: Rysmom
if he doesnt agree to counseling soon…
On his own or with you—or either? Because this man will not agree to attend counseling with you unless it is to help you accept or get over it. And he will likely be angry in the session because he will resent you for having dragged him there.
You are trying t change someone else without working enough on your own changes. Focus on you.
It's a man's world and it is not fair. Life is not easy for women. …I just meant that men earn more money than women, and it is much easier for them to find someone new and start over, and they usually get better looking with age.
This is unfair. First, what you are doing is giving yourself an excuse to remain a victim. Poor me, I’m a failure because I’m a poor and helpless woman. That insults all woman!
And you are insulting the men too. You are saying that because of your gender, your suffering is worse and deserves more sympathy than male LBSs. That invalidates their experience. And how would you know anyway. You are living your circumstances and they are living theirs.
Go ahead and stay at the pity party. But it won’t get better until you take responsibility to pick yourself up off of the floor, stop blaming your spouse for the pain you are feeling—you choose your feelings—and leave the party.
And I agree with 1000ships. It's one thing to give voice to your frustration and pain, it's another thing to wallow in it. That will get you nowhere.
You are angry at your husband for abandoning you and your son, but what are you doing for your son? His father is gone and his mother is falling to pieces. He needs a parent that will be there for him.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
rysmom, please don't see the 2x4's coming your way as people being 'mean' to you. These are folks who know and care about what you're going through and are trying to help you find your way.
Use those 2x4's to build a strong foundation for you and your son to see you through this storm.
What you did the last time with your H didn't work out so well or he wouldn't have left again. Obviously issues were not dealt with and if you're honest probably got swept under the rug.
It's time to try something different. This time focus on you and your son. Give your H time to miss you and find out what life is like without rysmom in it. It's human nature to want what you can't have so turn the table on your H. Work on yourself, heal and become whole in your own right. Forget about H and what he's doing right now. This is your time. This will prepare you for your H's return or if he doesn't it will give you the knowledge and the strength to have a fulfilling life without him.
1000 ships, i didn't say i deserved to get more sympathy then men on here. I was referring to statistics that it is more likely for men to remarry then a women.I know that is not what we want to do. I realize we are all trying to save our marriage and families with all our heart and souls
I know we are all suffering on here, men as much as women. i felt like you were attacking me with your post, and that is not fair. Like seeking answers said " Its like you were throwing 2x4 at me". I believe you misinterpreted my post.
rysmom, those 2x4's are meant to help. When I get them and they sting a bit, I know it's time to take a look in the mirror and figure out why. Then I go to work on myself.
i didn't say i deserved to get more sympathy then men on here.
It is not necessary to speak directly when there is an implication. Sometimes a person doesn’t consciously think they deserve something, but their actions show that perhaps subconsciously they do. Statistics are unreliable because they give dry data without offering reasons. Why do men remarry more than women? Maybe it is because they want to and the women do not. In the past I’ve read information that suggests men are healthier within marriage and women are healthier outside of it. I can’t recall the source, but I think I saw it in multiple places. I’m not saying I believe or disbelieve it, but maybe men ore more needy and dependent. Maybe women thrive better taking care of themselves than men. The statistic does say that it is because men have a better chance of finding someone; they are finding women.
Quote:
I realize we are all trying to save our marriage and families with all our heart and souls
Trying presupposed failure; what that means is that people say they will try so that when things fail they have an excuse. My husband kept saying he would try to make our marriage work, or try to end the affair or to stop contacting the OW. It was a word that meant he was dismissing me while wanting me to believe he there was an effort. He may have been genuine about working on our marriage—though he believed he could do that while having an affair (really, he believed it), but he often had no intention of breaking off the affair or stopping contact with the OW.
Those who have the best results toward reconciliation do not try. They let-go. Years ago a Job Corp instructor brought a group boating. He did not provide life jackets and several were non-swimmers. There was an accident and one of the young men drowned. When they brought him up, he had a piece of one of the other’s shirt clenched in his hand. That other person would have been pulled down with him had he tried to grab on or not tried to free himself. The only one trained in lifesaving was the instructor…and that was minimally. I know because my mother had been the instructor. My husband was a clinger in MLC, he kept trying to grab on. You are the clinger right now and I’m concerned that you are sinking.
A lot of DB’ing is counter-intuitive. You want control and you think you will get it with knowledge, so you snoop and stalk. The last time before my husband left he was calling the OW from our home phone—having lost the cell phone she’d given to him. He was calling her and talking only because he knew it would bother me. He knew I could check the phone logs. He told me this later. I checked them a bit, but I couldn’t keep doing it because it sent me spinning. I was worried, my heart was racing and I was susceptible to panicking. I quickly caught on that the calls were for my benefit and let that knowledge calm me.
Power and Control doesn’t come from knowing what other people are and are not doing. They come only from your Self. And until you focus on that person, you will continue to be in reactive mode.
Quote:
i felt like you were attacking me with your post, and that is not fair. Like seeking answers said " Its like you were throwing 2x4 at me". I believe you misinterpreted my post.
I understood your post; it was clear. Victim-mode causes you to be more sensitive to criticism.
I’ve seen what happens though…I was at your funeral in January. You share too much with my best friend. I’ve seen it before, but it has me concerned in your case because you are no longer in the beginning of the crisis. Yes, I know you’ve just been hit again after he was home. But it wasn’t over yet. I had a multiple returner and have some experience with such things.
I couldn’t change her and I cannot change you. But I also told her what I saw while supporting her Stand. As a fellow Stander I was the only one who did that, her other friends and family got tired of it and couldn’t handle listening anymore. We always knew we had each other…until now when I’m the only one left. I won’t sit back and pretend everything is okay while you are falling apart. The people on here hurt when you hurt and because you hurt. Since you jog daily, I already know that you are healthier than she was and that is a relief. But there are many LBSs who have talked about this happening to their own mothers—were you one of those? They talked about how it destroyed her; she never recovered. For some they use that to avoid the same destruction. If my husband left again I would be devastated but not destroyed; and I would Stand. Devastation at this phase when you are back in a crisis you thought was over is understandable; I’m worried that you are beyond that and headed for destruction.
Remember how I told you that my friend’s Stand killed her, but it was not her MLCer’s fault? Same with you. Your husband is to blame for leaving and being Monster, but he is not responsible for how you react. Learn to respond instead. Reactive mode is a loss of control and power. These are things I want you to work on with your counselor. I’m going to tell you that I care only about you and not about your MLCer and that I want you to do the same. I’m not going to tell you that you deserve better than him because I think you deserve better than to be abandoned and divorced. But I will tell you that you deserve to be treated better than you are treating your Self.
There are probably times I’ve knowingly written 2X4s, but it’s not my style. I’m not doing it here. Maybe it’s a pillow fight—those can sting and the feathers can make breathing tough, plus they are mess to clean up.
My concern is for you. I know how DB’ing works and I know how it doesn’t work. I also know that it is difficult to trust in something that is counter-intuitive. Surrendering to God is one of the most difficult things you can do. But look at the last three words of that sentence: you can do. I’m not saying you will, I’m saying that it is within your ability; the choice is yours…so when you’re ready…
