How do I act?

[Surviving03]

So... we are having a GREAT weekend! The dinner date was fun, we ended up going on a double date with some friends and the sushi was amazing! Then we went over to the friends house and played some games and had a few drinks, it was a good time. Next day, my H had to work, and while he was at work he sent me a couple of really nice emails telling me that "he knows he has alot of work to do in this marriage and it might not all happen overnight but he WILL do what needs to be done so that he never loses me"..... !!!!! amazing!! Made my day....

I am working really hard to not discuss any R stuff right now and just go with the flow and have a good time with H, so far so good! One misstep yesterday was that I was going thru and cleaning out my inbox of my emails and got to reading some of the emails H sent me when he wanted a D, and some emails that I forwarded to myself between him and OW from his email.... and that put a downer on me... but I let myself feel down for a few minutes and then brushed it aside in my mind so that I could move forward, and not backwards.... tough thing to do

I am also working on not trying to be a mind reader and try to interpret everything little thing H says or does and twist and turn it in my mind into something its not. If he is tired when he comes home from work, and I think he is not being all lovey dovey and what not, I am telling myself it is not because he doesnt love you, its because he is TIRED! I am learning now more than ever what it means to understand that you we make ourselves happy, other people cannot MAKE us happy. It is important how you REACT to things in life, if you make things in your mind worse than they really are, then they will turn worse then they really are... does that make sense... when i just relax and stop worrying about why my H is not cuddling up to me or what that means?? does that mean he doesnt want to be with me?? does that mean he doesnt love me?? does that mean he is changing his mind about us?? when I stop doing that, shortly there after I realize that its just cause he is tired or whatever and before I know it, he is cuddling up to me, or saying something nice or loving.

[steady]

surviving, go back and read my last post. I think it's very relevant and something you need to look at.

You're doing very well and I'm glad to see that things are progressing. You can actually improve your R without even talking about it. Going out like you did and having the interactions you did are all part of rebuilding the M. It's what you guys did in the beginning which created the love between you two.

No R is going to be lovey dovey all the time. You guys aren't going to be snuggling and holding each other all the time. As long as it happens enough times to keep you both satisfied in the R then it's good. Just leave the R talks on the side for a while and just keep acting like newlyweds...

[Surviving03]

Sorry Steady, I actually got on here originally with the intent of addressing your post and then I got side tracked lol

Well, I completely forgot to mention that I did actually take your advice, when I had said that my husband was sending me really nice emails from work, I had wrote him first saying some of those things that you said I should say to him. I emailed him first to tell him to have a good night at work, and he wrote back something like thanks honey i love you... and I replied with, "Hey, thanks for reminding me tonight that I still have alot of changes to make within myself for this marriage, I really dont want to see us go back into the same old routine" and thats when he replied with "and I have alot of changes to make as well, and it may not happen overnight but it WILL happen and I will not lose you again" or something like that....

I had mentioned to him about things feeling forced, he didnt have much of a response to that... but over the course of the weekend, things started to feel way more natural...so its been really really nice.

Taking it all one day at a time, doing our best to just enjoy eachother and not talk about R. I am really starting to feel like I have my life back, but a better improved version.

[steady]

Good for you. Now keep being genuine. The relaxion you feel is probably you letting go of the need to 'control' the situation and letting go of walking on eggshells.

There is one huge thing I've learned through my sitch and it's this- I have to keep my integrity and be genuinely who I am. I have to show the real me, and not some persona or mask of what I think other people may want to see. This is why I suggested you share what you were thinking and feeling with your husband. This is being real and authentic. I spent too much of my life filtering my emotions and thoughts because of my fear of how the other person would take it. You know what that got me? Nothing.

People will like us, but they aren't really liking who we really are - they like the fake persona we are putting forth. The real us is trapped behind this persona. But you know what? I'd rather someone reject me for the authentic me than like me for the mask I'm presenting. It makes life so much more peaceful and easier to live.

The next challenge you face is to not get complacent. If you keep coming here you will be taking steps to insure you don't. This place will act as a constant reminder of where you were not that long ago and will help you keep on track with staying awake.

[steady]

One other note. It may serve you well to be specific about the things you want to work on when you tell your husband. Like saying "I know I have controlling tendencies but I want to change that." This will give him a clearer picture of what you are owning. A blanket statement of "I know I have things I need to work on" are too vague.

Wouldn't you want him to be specific of the things he realizes he did 'wrong' (I use that word lightly) to damage the M?

[Surviving03]

Yes, I would want him to be specific about the things he did wrong... which I am having a little bit of a hard time with, I dont feel like we are able to talk enough about the things he did "wrong", which is hard for me... its part of my changes, to not talk about relationship issues all the time, not talk about the past all the time, not dwell on past issues, not make everything into an issue. So its hard for me to bring these things up with H without seeming like I have not made any changes.

On a lighter note... things are still continuing to go really well. H was very nice and affectionate yesterday. We went out to eat together and did some shopping off base in Turkey. While we were eating I mentioned that I feel such a sense of relief not feeling like I have to try to "control" things, it makes me just feel so much more at ease, I cant quite describe it (thats one of my changes, learning to let go of my need to control everything) and H said thats really good, thats good to hear. And then he told me that I was alot of fun the night before (we had gone and played tennis and shoot some hoops together, and I am the least athletic person in the world but I just tried to have fun with it) so that was nice to hear.

H also has been saying alot of things regarding "We" like "Our" future plans, "when we have kids" "when we live...." etc.... I was sitting on the couch last night and the dog was sitting next to me and he said "move zync, I want to sit by my baby!"

So, its going good.... all those things on the surface are good. I still have some inside things Im holding on to, like my feelings about trusting him, my feelings about wondering what I dont know about what happened with OW, feeling like he isnt doing anything extravagent to show me he is remoreful.... so Im working thru those things...

[steady]

Surviving, I didn't mean for you to expect your H to be specific about the things he needs to change. I was merely speaking about you being specific. He may never be specific in words to you.

His actions will speak louder than words. Let's say he didn't pay much attention to you. Does he need to say, "Sorry I didn't pay much attention to you" if he's paying enough attention to you now that you are satisfied with?

If he's giving you what you need why would you need him to apologize for something in the past if he's changed it and is no longer doing it?

Yes it would be nice to hear it from their lips, but it isn't the most necessary thing. Some people will apologize and then continue the same behavior. I'd rather have the no apology with a change in behavior than the other one.

Letting go of control is one of the best things people can do for themselves. Control is an illusion. Letting it go brings a sense of peace.

Trust is hard to build and easy to lose. Trust is built back by the person being consistent in their words and actions. It will come back slowly unless he does something to break it. Don't have an expectation.

I also think it's admirable you identified those issues you are holding onto and you are actively trying to get past them.

"Anger is a poison we drink waiting for the other person to die."

[Surviving03]

Ok I gotcha now.... Well you are right, I dont want an apology and then more of the same bad behavior, I will take no apology and consistent good actions and words any day. Which is what I am getting! However, conversation did come up last night with H and he apologized to me for everything, seemed genuinely remoreful, explained the situation with OW better and I felt soooooo much better afterwards... its just going so so well.

I hope I am not making this too easy on him, but I hate to deviate from how I am currently acting and do what some others have suggested, which is make him do the begging and pleading and all that... I dont want to do that... I dont think its the best thing for my situation. He is noticing my changes and it makes him want to be with me again. And I feel awesome! I feel so much relief, I am getting more and more happy every day... I hope that we tackled a serious rough patch early in our marriage and that will set us up for a wonderful marriage from here on out....

[Surviving03]

I think I am going to start a forum in Piecing... or reconciliation?

[Surviving03]

Just a reminder for readers, my original story is here

Original Story