I went to a bookstore tonight and picked up the book he wanted me to read back in Jan-- something like Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Controlled Separation. It's nice NOW (that time has passed) that he was even interested in "controlled" sep! That means going to counseling once a week but living in separate places. And I think a weekly date/phone call, too.
At the time, I was like "no way" to having that separation. And now I'm like, "I could have all that right now?" I guess I've definitely learned a lot. . . would have done things a bit differently! But who is an expert in DBing without the crisis? Almost no one!
Anyway. So I went back to my journal which I haven't read since I wrote. And I did notice that there were definitely things I would try to do differently now. I reacted strongly to him, so he reacted strongly to me. I even wrote up a separation plan, guys, and left it on the computer for him. (I would take the red chair, the bed, etc.) He came home and was so upset about it, he slept somewhere else. My perspective at the time was: why are you upset when I am putting into action what you've had in words? But now I see that I worsened his fragile state by responding so forcefully.
After we had that one couples therapy session, I wanted to meet with him again the following weekend to lay out a plan until birth. I wanted to say that we would decide in April (right about now!) if we wanted to try couples therapy again. But two days later I journaled something like, "screw him! I don't want to see him!" So we never met up, I got my own apartment, and I GALed/NCed. A few weeks after that I found this website and some of you ladies!
I still definitely think that he needs to take the first step in any R talks. But it's very difficult for me right now because I always turned his thoughts into action, always. (I may have written this before.) I was the do-er, he was the dream-er. So I wonder if I should try doing what I originally wrote in my journal-- meet up to see where we are now. Do we want to try MC or not. (Er, I guess I'm asking does HE.)
But I should probably wait until after the birth. . . sheesh.
I know I've swung from anger to interest in reconciliation this week. Reading that book and realizing he was offering that to me right around Jan 16 just makes me wonder. . . if I could get that back. (I do have to clarify that he went back and forth on the counseling point. He did want to do it, he didn't, he did, he didn't, but it was never really to improve the marriage. Just to improve communication. I'll even take THAT right now.)
I think that I've detached enough that I could handle improved communication. Then again, I would probably regret it.
Oh boy (sigh). I am not making sense.
It's ok, though. I will not do anything rashly. Not at all. Just thinking, musing, journaling.
me, 30 WH, 29 D born June 2010 M: July 2001 Bomb/S: 1/14/10 Done with it all.
