I don't remember if I suggested going to the Midlife Crisis forum yet or not, but there are some good people who can help you with this.

Much of your husband's behavior sounds very much like an MLC. They can help you find resources on what you can do to help him (not much) and help yourself (much more).

Me: 44, Wife: 39
M: 17 years T: 20 years
Bomb on 08/25/09
1/13/10: MC started
1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs
8/28/10: Wife moved out
No talk of D, no movement

"Every day is another chance to get it right."