Question

[Kalni]

I once told my friend Lisa One Day on here, years ago (!!)) when our H's were missing in action, that the most probable thing was that they were missing IN someone's else's beaver... That got us both laughing, saddly, years later, I found out it was so damn true.

These disappearing acts he does, are making me nervous. Even if he doenst spend the time with OW, he is not consistent at all. Which gives you an indication about how balanced he is in his head...
K

[Lucky11too]

It's almost like a leap of faith that you put into H. It's definitely scary that he's MIA so much, but if he truly is in therapy, that definitely is a reason for a small bit of hope. It's not over til it's over! But I definitely agree with you - time will tell! You will have a pretty good idea by the time you are ready to file if he is lying to you or not. You should see some ounce of progress in H if he really is going to counseling (but like you said, not necessary yet in the R since he must fix himself 1st) but definitely in his own state of mind. He is so all over the place and up and down, I just hope he really is in therapy and that they can bring some healing and rest to his mind and soul. You just continue to live your life on the road you've chose and if he wants to jump on, he will, otherwise, you've got your whole life in front of you!

[awest1217]

H is MIA a lot and I just found out he was MIA again last weekend, but I had no clue because I know nothing about his life, which has made me just close up again. I probably shouldn't have made the leap of faith, but I just really don't want to go through a D, not really because I want to stay with H, but because of all the negative ramifications that go with it. H is the part I am ok with leaving...

So here is what happened...
Monday after work I sent him a quick text about one of our mutual friends who just had their baby (they are missionaries to India and I figured he wouldn't hear any other way). Then I asked how his day was and he gave me a short version and that was it.

So yesterday early I sent H another text asking for him to leave our fertilizer spreader out at his parents because he promised me to give it to me before spring break...and of course didn't and I want to get some fertilizer on the yard because I am really trying to make it look nice and enjoying the time doing it. Then the car stalls again so I send H another text more because I am mad at him for not responding to my text about the spreader so any other thing and said If you care, the car stalled again and some other stuff about what I was going to do to fix it. I got a response back that said of course I care and i will have the spreader on teh side of the house and sorry you are having a bad morning. UGH!

So after that I decided trying to be friends with H or trying to talk to him at all and use a different strategy is not working so I need to just stick to what is best for me and that is completely detaching and not talking to him unless he asks me something.

He is the part that makes me mad at myself for even thinking I could start trusting H again and mad at H for pulling my chain with his stupid card and gift. I go to get the spreader hoping to not see MIL, but she saw me so she came out and asked to see S. I said it wasn't a problem and thanked her for the card I got from her. Anyway we talk for about 10 minutes and come to find out...she asked H to ask me about pizza on Friday night. He told her that I was busy so I couldn't come and he wasn't there either...I wasn't busy at all. I sat at my house watching TV, cleaning the house, and tagging clothing for the resale. I told her that I wasn't busy at all, but S and I sat at home all night. Then she said something about dinner last Sunday (they were busy Saturday which was fine with me). I said H never asked me about Sunday either. I said I had a surprise party, but we left there at 5 so could have come to dinner at her house around 6. She said she asked H and at dinner time no one was there (where was H?) so they just ate dinner without us. She said she had bought an ice cream cake (kind of tradition) and everything.

I just don't know why I keep letting myself get sucked in by H. I guess I am just so naive to think that he might somewhere really care about me. I have to just keep reminding myself that he is the master manipulator. I am almost positive I know where he was...but it really doesn't matter. It doesn't matter why he is lying to me and his parents. Nothing matters or makes sense and I am not going to try to figure it out.

I finished by telling MIL that if she ever wants us to come over that she just has to call, and to call my cell and not the house because we are outside a lot. I said H and I only talk about once a week and he never lets me know that you have asked us to come over so just assume if you tell H I won't find out. We are going to go over for pizza on Friday night (still be cautious because for all I know MIL is manipulating me too), but it is BIL birthday weekend and I get along with him and S loves him to death so I will go for that. I am busy a lot of weekends now, so it isn't like I will go over there every Friday, but once in a while isn't bad.

As for H, I want to send him a nasty e-mail just because I can't stand him. I want him to know that he isn't playing me anymore and I just want him to leave me alone, but I am not going to do that. I am just going to let my actions speak for me. I am done talking to him or texting him. I will respond, but with no information and only if I am not busy. I am so sick of his stupid manipulative behavior and if he is going to rehab...he should stop because obviously...it isn't helping him and he has been going now for a month supposedly every weekend. You would think there would be at least a little change by now, but nothing.

[awest1217]

Oh and I forgot to add...
Then this morning he texts me to say good morning (extra early when he is normally asleep because I don't get any reception at school anymore), and he sends me an e-mail saying have a good day and asking about something I wanted to do this weekend. He doesn't talk to me for days and then when he finds out that I talked to his mom all of the sudden he is sweet and cares. UCK!

[Lucky11too]

Don't be too hard on yourself. Hope is all we have in these situations, so sometimes we kind of have to open ourselves up a bit to see if the temperature has changed any. That being said, I am very disappointed in H. That was pretty shady to not tell you about his parent's invites and then lie back to them. Wow, he's just so wishy washy too - I care, but then I don't, but then I care again! What?! Regarding therapy and his seemingly lack of progress (keep in mind H obviously has a very convoluted mind & it will take time to unwind), if he brings it up I would encourage him to stay in therapy b/c it can't make things any worse and has the possibility of helping. But for yourself, you definitely need to protect your heart and keep your distance while he works this all out (if he is doing so). Like I said, live your life and if he wants to hop on the road with you, he will, but you can't count on that, so you must move on like he's not.

[awest1217]

Back to the doctor again today...S was up all night coughing again and a few times was at the point that he almost threw up. His cough started to come back Monday night (finished his antibiotic Saturday), and now he is back to coughing a ton and we haven't slept much, especially last night. I think I got 2 hours of sleep.

Hopefully I can just get a new allergy medicine so this thing will stop completely.

[ClingingToHope]

Something nasty is going around. D11 has been sick for two weeks. D7 got a lighter version of it, and I feel absolutely terrible this weekend. Only good cold medicine is getting me through it.

[awest1217]

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! S is driving me crazy! His pneumonia is not back, but he is on a steroid to help settle his cough so he can sleep at night. Bad part, he is a total mess on steroids. He doesn't listen at all, is hyper, aggressive, and just not himself. On top of that, he is cooped up in the house because it is a rainy weekend, and all of my friends are out of town. I went shopping with my mom and S this morning and it just drove me crazy because S was horrible. I wondered why he was being so bad and realized...the steroids.

Sorry just venting. S is such a good kid. He is just such a handful when this medicine is in him. I will see how tomorrow goes...I don't have any extra help at church because everyone is out of town. Later at night the family is going out for my grandma's birthday and at least my brother will be back. S listens to him really well so at least he will be there to help get after S.

I am going to try to help S relax by popping some popcorn then watching a movie in my room. Just something fun to end the day because it is never fun to sit in the house all day when we are used to getting outside for at least a little bit everyday.

[ClingingToHope]

Yes. I hate rainy weekends. A movie sounds great.

[Lucky11too]

Aww, so sorry to hear about S. That's the worse! My S got sick too (fever/cough), so it's definitely been a looonnngg weekend! I hope he is feeling better today and that you can have a little break tonight with your brother around.