still separated, in limbo, still hopeful

[courageous wife]

Sounds like you found a good therapist!

[flowmom]

Glad to hear that your T is supportive of your approach .

[newmama]

I just wanted to point out that I don't think he is good just because he agrees with me- I was expecting him to not agree with me and help me to go in a different direction. I was not expecting him to bring up the fact that R can still exist.

I think he is good because he uses objective research to back his recommendations. Of course his opinion slips through but he always explains where the idea comes from like "this is my gut. But Gottman studied 1000s of marriages and he found..."

[zengreentea]

You are doing so good, new mama.

[newmama]

I posted this in Gatsby's thread:
http://www.bigpicturepartnering.com/docs/Gottman.pdf

Dr. John Gottman: Seven Predictors of Divorce

1. Harsh Start of Arguments
The partner who starts the argument is aggressive or hostile, is insulting, attacks his partner’s character, uses sarcasm, shows contempt or disgust—all of which lead to escalation or withdrawal.
2. Criticism
Attacking character or traits, instead of addressing the problem specifically.
3. Contempt
Disgust, disrespect, condescension, sarcasm, eye-rolling.
4. Defensiveness
Trying to prove I’m not the problem—you’re the problem; justifying your behavior.
5. Flooding
Gottman uses this term to describe the dramatic physiological changes (adrenaline pumping, increases in heart rate, blood pressure, respiration) that precede stonewalling by a partner. Flooding and stonewalling start to occur later in marriage, after years of Harsh Starts, Criticism, Contempt, and Defensiveness.
6. Stonewalling
Withdrawing, silence, no eye contact, no response, blank facial expression, leaving, being physically or emotionally unreachable. Stonewalling’s immediate cause is Flooding. Stonewalling appears to be an attempt to reduce Flooding’s heavy bodily stress. For prehistoric, hunter-gatherer reasons, Gottman speculates, men are more susceptible to Flooding than women, so men are much more likely to Stonewall. And, as women are 80% more likely to bring up sticky marital issues than men, an important implication of this finding is that women, particularly, need to avoid Harsh Starts in order not to set up the dynamics that lead to Flooding and Stonewalling.
7. Failed Repair Attempts
These are situations where attempts by one partner to repair damage and keep negativity from escalating out of control are ignored or otherwise meet with failure. Partner B doesn’t respond positively to Partner A’s attempts at apology, humor, or any other means of easing tensions.
Gottman finds that these seven factors both individually and cumulatively predict divorce. The pattern tends to begin with Harsh Starts, and this sets off a cascade of responses that leads over time to the various other Divorce Predictors.


Dr. John Gottman: Six Predictors of Marital Success and Happiness

1. High Levels of Friendship, Respect, Affection, and Humor
This is defined as liking each other, being each other’s best friend, doing things together; showing interest in and respect for the other’s thoughts and feelings, avoiding put-downs, supporting each other’s goals and aspirations, feeling affection for each other, having fun and laughter together, being Number One in each other’s eyes.
2. A Ratio of 5:1 or Better of Positive to Negative Interactions
This means that your relationship averages at least five pleasant, friendly, or loving experiences or periods of time for every hostile word, angry argument, or time spent feeling hurt or resentful. And 5:1 is the minimum!
3. Successful “Bids for Attention”
e.g., The wife says, “Hey, listen to this!” She is trying to get her husband’s attention for a conversation. If the husband keeps on reading the paper, ignoring her, he’s turning away her bid for attention. If he says “Huh?” and lifts his eyes off the Sports Page for a second or two, he’s turning toward her—a good sign. And if he actually listens to whatever she wanted to say, that a real connection!
In successful marriages, partners turn toward each other 86% of the time (vs. divorcing couples who on average turn toward each other 33% of the time, or less).
4. Soft Starts of Disagreements
In successful marriages, disagreements are started softly, without critical, contemptuous remarks about the other person (cf. Gottman’s first Divorce Predictor).
5. Husband Accepts Influence from Wife
In successful marriages, husbands accept influence from their wives. (e.g., If a wife says she’s afraid her husband is driving too fast for the rainy road conditions, and he says, “No way I’m slowing down, I know what I’m doing!”—this is a shaky marriage.)
There must be give and take in a relationship—giving and accepting influence, and research shows that women are well accustomed to accepting influence from men. So it’s crucial that men learn to do the same!
6. Partners are Aware of and Respect the Other’s Needs, Likes, Dislikes, and Their Inner Life
They ask questions to find out; they listen; they care!
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[newmama]

Of course this has nothing to do with infidelity lol! But he has studied 1000s of marriages and that is where these predictors come from.

It is frustrating for me to look at the 7 predictors of divorce and honestly, WH and I did not have ANY of those factors.

On the predictors for marital happiness, obviously we didn't have #6 down!!! But the first 5. So it is frustrating that WH is throwing away a good marriage with potential to improve #6.

[newmama]

I had a super fun night!!!! Went down to visit my girlfriend and thought we would just "hang" with her H and kids...turned out she was in the mood to go out to dinner, and just the 2 of us got to go to a French restaurant! Pretty yummy-had asparagus salad with a deep fried egg and prosciutto-AWESOME. Then had duck confit ontop of lentils- all right. Then had a cocktail with absinthye in it! STRONG-was going to have 2 before I ordered and it turned out 1 was plenty!

So then my friend says she is in the mood to stay out later and we should go sing karaoke because that is what we were going to do a month ago but never did- she has never done it and she loves to sing!

We arranged the details and found a place and sang the following songs:
1) Time After Time
2) For the Longest Time (SUCKED---oh well)
3) Dead or Alive
4)Love Shack- THE BEST!!! people came and joined us on the floor, dancing away

We just had a blast and laughed until she told me that her little girl cried and cried and cried when she had to tell her about WH leaving.(she hadn't told me this before- she said her little girl said she loved WH and so it broke her heart. My friend told her that he didn't want to be married anymore and that he divorced me. It was easiest since she was only 8 at the time.) It made me cry. But then we had another round of beer and sang another song!

Then we were up bright and early at 7 a.m. thanks to kids lol! Yes I am a little hung over but in a good mood- it was worth it!

S is cranky and not feeling well. WH dropped him off, fed him lunch and helped me while I looked in S' ears with my otoscope but it is so hard to tell what you are looking at. (I am obsessive about ear infections-what is wrong with me?) It was funny because we were practically sitting on each others laps, hands over hands, faces close to each other-would he let me kiss him? J/K! But if I wanted to be close to him I guess all I have to do is ask for help checking S' ears!

Now S is sleeping and then we are meeting with some other friends of mine and their niece and nephew. Busy times and I love it!

[courageous wife]

Glad you had a great time last night NM! Good for you!

[flowmom]

You've got GAL *down* girl . Glad you had fun. The Gottman stuff is good. I wish we had gone to a Gottman-trained MC instead of the one we went to...it sounds like the Gottman stuff is more about strategies and short-term results.

[newmama]

whoa- youtube has everything! just learned how to apply individual false eyelashes-it was a tip on Rachael Ray for looking youthful (SHE wears them)! Other tips they gave-use self tanner, thin your eyebrows(not too much but pluck or wax and "arch" them), make sure your hair color isn't too light for your skin tone, use a natural lip color for lipstick or gloss instead of darker...no bangs straight across either.

So not that I would wear them every day but I did buy some individual lashes today. Yikes I don't want to look plastic with my self tanner and fake eyelashes but the effect is to "glow" (not turn orange) and "enhance" one's looks, not cover up! I would wear the lashes just for fun on a night I go out.

Today was another Sunday where I barely saw WH. I worked out for about an hour (watched Parenthood the movie on Netflix instant play) and then got ready and put away laundry. WH and S left to run some errands. I went grocery shopping. When I returned they weren't back yet which bugged me for some reason. I did ask WH if he wouldn't mind picking up some things for me at Trader Joes. Then I didn't want him to think I was trying to get him to pay for it or something so I sent a text saying to deduct the cost of the trip from next month's payment. He said ok but I doubt he will deduct it!

While I was preparing veggies for S (roasting squash, sweet potatoes and yams and will freeze it), they arrived. He picked up some other goodies and then bought me a bag of chips as well-said I should try them (blue corn tostitos). I told him thanks and that I had tried them! They were good. It still was nice of him to think of me!

Then he set up this cheaply made but fun kids tent with a tunnel (reminds me of a cat toy actually!) for S. S is kind of "wary" of both things right now and doesn't want to play with them, even with his mama!

Oh and my "special" friend called while WH was still here- he stayed longer than usual to set up the tent. Well I just heard my phone and he was standing about 5 feet from it. It was in my purse. He said "go ahead-you can get that if you want!" because he was in the middle of talking to me. But I glanced at it, saw it was my pal and switched the ringer off.

Hope he wondered why I didn't take the call!

Am looking for some kind of steak and pasta recipe for tomorrow night.