Number 8's Revelations, Mistakes, and New Methods

[Number 8]

When we talked the other night, I told him to come get his stuff (as I mentioned in an earlier post). I was angry when we talked, and I let loose with my angry feelings more than I have (though I didn't say anything that I regret). He remarked with surprise that he had expected me to get angrier before now.

Would apologizing for your demand to get his stuff be a 180? Following Flowmom's idea...which person was the one that he loved when he married you?

I thought about what you wrote here, and I sent an e-mail just a bit ago. I told him that I'd been thinking about his getting his things and that I thought he had the right idea by coming on Monday (instead of on Sunday). I apologized for being difficult and demanding, and I said that it seemed like it would be better for him to be there when he had a day off. I also said that I would be at work on Monday.

So now, the question is how I should act. Do I act like it's fine if he goes? That I'm glad to see him go? That I wish he wouldn't?

Isn't that your hardest decision? Whatever you do, always look for evidence if it is helping or hurting. Do what helps. Personally, I think honesty is always the best policy. Nice honesty doesn't mean saying everything.

Yes, that IS my hardest decision! I don't know how to act! I appreciate what you said about honesty--and nice honesty--and I think this will be a philosophy I adopt.

Because I'm not totally familiar with your time line, did you leave or did she back in October?

Oct-She said she'd leave when the kids are grown, I asked if she wanted a D, she said yes, so I told her I was divorcing her. I moved into an in-house separation. Since then, I have been the main force trying to get things working, despite the fact I was the one who decided to leave and I didn't even love her - not even at the start of our M (I do now). So I'm the WAH that tried to pull my W back and find ways to love her. Go figure.

I'm intrigued by your saying that you didn't love her, even at the beginning of your M, until now. Would you mind sharing more about this?

I'm wondering if I should leave this (and him) alone for a while. He seems so convinced that D is the only way, and I don't want to exasperate him with my hopefulness.

You're right - don't flood him. Still, move closer a step at a time - fight for the opportunity, then if he floods, back up only one step.

Do what IS right, even if it hurts. You'll never feel guilty for that.

I think that for my own health and well-being that I NEED to step back for a while. I've had a good rest of the week since my IC session last Tuesday, and H has sent me a few texts/e-mails this week. I've handled it all very well.

Cut to when I sent him an e-mail about 30 minutes or so ago. This e-mail was about his coming to get things and my suggestion to come on Monday. I noticed halfway through it that I was breathing deeply. I remembered what IC said I'm doing when I'm doing this, and I've been doing my hyperventilating thing since then. If I were to see him on Sunday (which is tomorrow!), I'm afraid I would need a portable oxygen tank or resuscitation assistance.

This doesn't mean that I'm going to stop my efforts. I just have to think of how I can do it without passing out from lack of oxygen.

Hope you're enjoying your weekend!