MLC, H and me

[courageous wife]

Oh yeah...they are aliens alright! Just try to put up the stop signs when you think about the good stuff/past...stay in the present and not worry about the future! Hope things smooth over for you alice!!!!

[flowmom]

Keep up the great attitude CW!

[courageous wife]

Update-

Called H yesterday to ask if he was going to be able to come and get the mower going so S14 could mow our jungle! He said he meant to Wed and "forgot" so yes, he'd come today. He got that going, worked on a couple of other things for me and then fixed something on the truck. Said he'd get going and so I said I'd like to talk to him about a couple of things but would rather do it when kids weren't here (well, S was mowing and D was at the park so he said now would be good...dangit!)

Told him it was probably time to get on a regular visitation schedule with the kids and he agreed. Said he'd plan on next weekend, Fri if he wasn't working OT or Sat morning-Sunday. Said he is staying with OW and that she is buying a house and they would be moving into it in June. I said that we needed to talk to the kids before he picks them up so he suggested that "I" talk to them a little and he would when he picks them up..wth???? I let it go for now so I could think about that and get advice...thinking it is not MY job to tell them!!! Also, mentioned that he may need to be around some this summer during the day while I am at work so the kids don't get too bored and into trouble but that we could talk about that some more later.

Then, I mentioned that I had had a market analysis done on the house and told him the results...he was very surprised that we owe more than we could sell it for (duh!). Told him that I would probably not be able to afford to stay here and that I really didn't want to as there was just too much maintenance and things that I would not be able to take care of and he said that he could still cut wood and come and do things and I said that I could not expect that of him after we were divorced. He asked, kinda upset if I had been looking at other places, I told him no, not yet. He said he didn't mean for this to happen, us having to move. Told him that there are probably going to be a few things like this that happen that niether one of us would have thought would happen. Asked him about starting to move some of his stuff and he said he'd get started on it. Asked if he would have room for everything at the new place and he said he it would be tough (hence, probably why he wants me to stay here).

Brought up the truck, which is what I was the most nervous about so it didn't come out as I had rehearsed. But, he knows that I get it back. Told him he could keep it until the stuff was moved out of the rental house and that should be done soon. He mentioned looking for something cheap to drive.

I did joke with him, probably shouldn't have, about if he'd be paying rent at OW's house and he said yes and I said oh good, I wouldn't want to see you become a "kept" man. He asked what I meant so I said that you aren't relying on some sugar momma to take care of you and he laughed and said no...that led into me mentioning a concern about the kids staying at "her" house. I told him my co-worker is having trouble with her ex right now as he is living with OW in HER house and gets upset when the boys make messes etc. so he is not seeing them as much. H said that OW knows that the time is coming for his kids to be around and that he plans on seeing them and having them over.

OK, so conversation went ok...we were both calm, I remained non-emotional...was not as "assertive" with the truck conversation as I would have liked to be.

He asked to use the computer to look for a part and then motorcyle ins. quote...was a little nervous as I had not erased any history but don't think he did. He wants to get his regular motorcycle going which he has ridden for a couple of years.

H said again to call if we need anything, anytime. Other than the house thing, he unfortunately seemed pretty content with himself...sigh...I am just so sad...

[Mila]

CW - I know how hard it is to keep your hope up when there is so little positive to go on. Just remember...the affair has to play-out and him moving in with the OW may speed it up.

My H was really upset when I brought up that we will have to sell the house. He didn't want to do it. Yours doesn't like it either...he won't say much now...let it fester.

I wouldn't bail him out about talking to the kids. Let him explain to them what he is doing. When my H decided to leave us I told him that we should both be there together when HE tells D. If you are present you will hear what he is telling them and he can't spin things to much.

The positive I see in your sitch is that you are able to talk calmly together and he is helping with the house and wants to be involved with the kids.

So take a deep breath and continue on your path.

[seeking answers]

CW, I feel for you, it's the same sitch I'm in except that my H is letting his half of the house go to S26. We haven't even had any of those 'talks' yet and knowing my H's avoidant personality we may not until he goes to make things legal and faces opposition from me as to how things are handled, ie; having only one L handle divorce, etc.

It is hard to remain hopeful when there is nothing to base it on. I have seen nothing from my H to indicate that he is having any second thoughts except his outward appearance. He looks gray, drawn, old and very tired. His eyes tell the story of a troubled soul. Were you able to get a look at your H's eyes?

Mila is right that when your H moves in with ow and real life sets in, when the fantasy they've had becomes reality and they find out what they've really got, then the rose colored glasses will shatter. Let the consequences of what they've really done set in. I'm betting there will be no real peace in their souls.

I think you handled the conversation with your H wonderfully and you gave him some things to think about. Watch out girl, your strength is showing!

(((Hugs)))

[courageous wife]

Mila and SA-

Thanks guys! I did feel ok after the convo...I think I went in to the talk, not consciously, with a wee bit of expectation and that is probably what has me down...so, my fault...won't do that again! And, really, the expectation was that he would be upset that we'd have to sell the house and he was indeed upset about that....

Honestly, the eyes didn't really tell me anything...he came to work on the mower so was not wearing his best clothes or anything but didn't think he looked very good...he is usually getting some color by now from the sun and is still pretty pale. Oh, I did ask him about his BP, if it had gone down any since they changed his meds and he said it is still higher than they would like.

He did ask me if I had heard anything from my L lately and I said no and he said he hasn't heard anything either.

Was going to go out tonight with a friend and some of her work friends but heard a couple of the H's are going so thinking a movie night with the kids instead...

[happynow]

Hi Confusedwife,

Thank you for posting on my thread! I just read some of your post, I'm so sorry you are going thru this!! I did not have to sell my house, although my h walked in, said he wanted a d, we would sell the house & split everything 50/50. If you read my earlier threads, he didn't come out so well in the d.

I so hate it that you are going to have to move, although by staying in the house it has been hard, there are so many things to keep up, inside & out. I'm learning to do lots! I even learned how to fix toilets & leaking faucets. Plus, all the memory's are VERY hard!!

It sounds like the talk went well, we didn't have kids so I don't have a lot of advice in that dept but I agree with what someone else said, do not let him off the hook, you need to be present when he talks to them.

Bless your Heart! I'm so sorry for you! I will be thinking about you!!!

(((HUGS)))

[courageous wife]

Thanks nlt!

I have not read your whole thread but I will. Keeping up the house is just something that I don't want to have to deal with...being a single Mom is going to be enough to deal with for awhile! And, like you mentioned, the memories are so very hard! This was H and I's dream house!

I am sorry that your H has remarried! I am glad that you came back and are posting! It really does help talking with others that have been or are going through this!

Take care nlt!!!!

[Celestial X 5]

CW,

Sounds like all went well with H, this time. So you didn`t see the monster eyes, this time.

He`s upset about the house, his BP is up, who knows what`s going through his mind. Don`t let him off the hook about telling the kids. He caused this mess, he has to face his consequences for his actions. It may be hard for him, but he should to face his children to see their hurt and disappointment.

Stay strong for your children. They need stability and security. You are in my prayers.

xox
Celestial

[courageous wife]

Hi CX...yes, "this time" it went ok..

I ended up telling the kids. H got off scott free but...they have all week to come up with questions for H. I told them because they were asking about where they were going to be staying since Dad doesn't have his own place yet etc...he won't be around this week at all and I just did not want them to hear about it on the way to her house. It was very hard to say it and say it without badmouthing OW or H. With the subject of adultery being in the news almost everyday, they seemed to take it fairly well. My son said that it would have been nice to get to know her before he stayed in her house

I am really having a hard time with the kids meeting her..I want to throw up...I suppose I can say no to them going but then "I" am the bad guy...this is all just so wrong!!!!