I have the above list posted in 2 places in the house--fridge and the master bathroom.
We did try to have conversations while in C, but H won't speak to me at this point, so I haven't had a chance to practice. I will say that I had a hard time myself following the rules. Eye contact is hard, no sarcasm is hard, and letting the other speak for 5 minutes without interruption is really hard. And my H can't really get through anything without breaking one of the "staying calm, no yelling"-type rules. Which he then won't apologize for.
It's not easy for either of us. At LEAST he can no longer tell himself the lie that communication has always been my problem!
I have no idea if my H is even interested in this anymore but since we're still in MC I guess he might listen
Frankly if we could have done this years ago it may have saved us but there's still a lot we're talking about even though he catagorizes it as "in the past" so it could help thank you
I have no idea if my H is even interested in this anymore but since we're still in MC I guess he might listen
Frankly if we could have done this years ago it may have saved us but there's still a lot we're talking about even though he catagorizes it as "in the past" so it could help thank you
I was glad to get these "rules" so that **I** can be a better person, and recognize a person that respects me. So, whether H is in the picture or not, I am thrilled to have a "boundary" in place that I will be able to refer to over and over again.
Those rules were HUGE in my sitch--It got through my head that I no longer have to put up with the cr*ppy way my H speaks to me. I have my scripts, and my rules, and I must say other than the other day, my PMA has been at probably the highest it has ever been.
Post them on your fridge--he'll see them. If he asks you about them say they are to help you be a better communicator. He may look at them and come to the same realization YOU did--that if he had seen these a while ago things may have been different...
I don't know how you can be so strong - you're doing so well...I am quite the pursuer and now that H moved out it's hard to not pursue because I don't see much effect since he's gone anyway.
I will post these and use them myself. Thank you so much.
You're getting there!! I have seen you do better and better and once you get the ball roling, see that it gets results, it's something you just won't ever give up. It's strength, and it's power that will be in your psyche forever.
You'll use the skills you learn here the rest of your life. I will NEVER be sorry I learned these things. You'll see--this will help you in SO many other areas!!
A couple of small positives in the last couple of days. H finally dealt with a health insurance change--we are paying WAY too much and we finally drove down to the office and got a much better deal.
He's been putting that one off for months and the premium went up AGAIN. It has been on the top of my "to do" list for AGES and I finally got to cross it off! yeah!
We have had a strange bit of neighborly stuff going on--a teenager that was adopted by a family down the street was recently put out of her home and she is living with other neighbors. I had been hearing that the woman was nuts and that this girl was a really sweet girl. All A's in school, no trouble at all, just typical teenage girl stuff, and her "mom" was badmouthing her to everyone she could.
Seems they adopted 2 girls 6 years ago from the Ukraine. The younger one is the one they wanted, but at the last minute they told them they had to take the older sister. So the little one (who is now 12) is still in the home, but the older girl has been tossed! I cannot believe some people--this is a NICE girl!!!
So I talked to her a while last week, and she came by the house yesterday and my H is wondering what in the heck is going on. So I told him everything and he said if this girl needs to stay somewhere, she can stay here with us. The neighbors she is with are 2 guys (they are gay, and not a couple) and they are a bit nervous about keeping a 17 year old.
He made some phone calls to a friend of the family that did something similar with two boys a few years back and he got some advice on what we would have to do.
She was VERY nervous last week that the two guys weren't too sure of her living with them, but I stopped by yesterday for a chat with them all and they seem a lot better now--they are very good friends with an older couple that live next door that I have been friends with for many years, and the older couple is going to be helping them with some things, and then I told them we can help out too--so Friday night we are all going to go down to the "open mike night" at a local coffee shop.
So after my H did all that, he went to leave for work this a.m. and I said, sort of in a no-nonsense way, "I want a hug" and I gave him a hug and kiss. He seemed to think he deserved it.lol.
That is really great of both of you to be willing to reach out to her like that. I think a lot of countries are doing similiar things as far as adoption, but I think it is also wrong of the adoptive parents! Hope all of this gets sorted out.
Good too on asking for a hug. Sometimes it is so hard to ask for what we want or need, that we don't say anything. Progress is always a good thing.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Thanks for the feedback on the hug Kat--I waffle a lot on this sort of thing--on one hand you make an excellent point--it is so hard to ask for what we want.
Yet I don't want to be "persuing". I know it's a bit different this time in our sitch--he is not the one wanting to leave--**I** am seriously still thinking about it. There are so many areas that are lacking in our R. I can't really "go there" in my mind because I get far too discouraged.
But his complete disregard to this house and leaving me with holes in the walls and unfinished moldings and $4000 worth of appliances sitting in our garage--including a new dishwasher that I desparately wish I could use (I am washing by hand 1/2 the dishes that come out of the old one now).
I almost wanted to say to him "Gee, H, that is nice of you to offer her a place to say--but unfortunately since our living room is so tiny and there is room at the moment for one couch that sits 3 at the most, what do you suggest she do while we watch television in the evenings? Course there are the nights you work--guess she can join S and I then.
I keep scouring these boards looking for answers. On one hand, no expectations (which, I've had years of practicing that) and on the other hand is challenging him to DO something around here without coming across as a nag. Which is my old way but it did work!
