OK, I did it. I blocked this guys number through ATT's Smart Limits feature. I'm sure she will know what's up and it will turn into a confrontational argument, but I don't want it to go there. I would like to calmly explain to her that I don't want this guy in our lives dictating the outcome of our of our family. She thinks I'm controlling her and it makes her resent me even more, but I'm not trying to control her I just don't want her talking to her ex.
I hate to break it to you, but that's controlling behavior.
She has the right to associate with who she wants, and you have the right to make decisions based on that. That's not what you did.
That's where PDT was going with the whole "controlling behavior" vs. "setting boundaries" post. It was even in his examples!
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
The best way I can answer that is that if you make it about HER, they will come across as "demands" and being "controlling." If you make them about YOU, and what YOU need, then they are "boundaries of personal integrity."
Example: "I forbid you to see OM" = CONTROLLING "I can't live in an open marriage" = BOUNDARY
You need to sloooooow down and think about what you need to do. It was 5 hours ago that you were debating blocking his phone number until you did it. If you are going to do something that you're pretty sure is going to provoke an argument or cause the R to deteriorate, I would wait at least 24 to 48 hours before taking action. (This does not apply to things like protecting yourself from emergency spending sprees, taking money, her packing her bags and moving out, etc.)
Every rash decision you make right now is something that you are going to have to answer for on the other side. Because if you are really hoping to make the marriage work out, you both are going to have to do a lot of soul-searching and answer for what you have done.
You are confusing the crap out of this guy!
Blocking the number was the right thing to do. He pays for the cell phone and he's paying for her to contact the OM.
Block the number.
In fact, I would cancel the cell phone altogether.
You said it yourself, you wanted her to have a phone for emergency use, texting & communicating with the OM wouldn't be classified as such.
She's a big girl, she can get herself another cell phone, one that you don't pay for.
I'm just going to say it, Dan you haven't been the "man" in her life for quite some time, she's seeking a more masculine mate to partner up with, do you notice how she pursues him, constant text communication, etc. Does she do that with you? NO, she doesn't.
Block the number and/or cancel the cell phone.
Her complaining that you are controlling her is just her trying to turn the argument around and make you feel dumb for complaining about her cheating with another man, do you see how well she did it, she knows she can do it, and it worked, you felt bad, you immediately unblocked the number afterwards because you were afraid of her reaction, afraid you were going to push her away even further, afraid she was going to resent you more, etc.
Newflash....
she resents this wimp that you are that you're afraid to stand up to her and call her on her $hit and you continuing to be afraid and continuing to be this doormat that she can use to walk over and wipe her feet on is pushing her away and making her resent you more than blocking a cell# could ever accomplish.
