OK, I did it. I blocked this guys number through ATT's Smart Limits feature. I'm sure she will know what's up and it will turn into a confrontational argument, but I don't want it to go there. I would like to calmly explain to her that I don't want this guy in our lives dictating the outcome of our of our family. She thinks I'm controlling her and it makes her resent me even more, but I'm not trying to control her I just don't want her talking to her ex.
I hate to break it to you, but that's controlling behavior.
She has the right to associate with who she wants, and you have the right to make decisions based on that. That's not what you did.
That's where PDT was going with the whole "controlling behavior" vs. "setting boundaries" post. It was even in his examples!
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
The best way I can answer that is that if you make it about HER, they will come across as "demands" and being "controlling." If you make them about YOU, and what YOU need, then they are "boundaries of personal integrity."
Example: "I forbid you to see OM" = CONTROLLING "I can't live in an open marriage" = BOUNDARY
You need to sloooooow down and think about what you need to do. It was 5 hours ago that you were debating blocking his phone number until you did it. If you are going to do something that you're pretty sure is going to provoke an argument or cause the R to deteriorate, I would wait at least 24 to 48 hours before taking action. (This does not apply to things like protecting yourself from emergency spending sprees, taking money, her packing her bags and moving out, etc.)
Every rash decision you make right now is something that you are going to have to answer for on the other side. Because if you are really hoping to make the marriage work out, you both are going to have to do a lot of soul-searching and answer for what you have done.
You are confusing the crap out of this guy!
Blocking the number was the right thing to do. He pays for the cell phone and he's paying for her to contact the OM.
Block the number.
In fact, I would cancel the cell phone altogether.
You said it yourself, you wanted her to have a phone for emergency use, texting & communicating with the OM wouldn't be classified as such.
She's a big girl, she can get herself another cell phone, one that you don't pay for.
I'm just going to say it, Dan you haven't been the "man" in her life for quite some time, she's seeking a more masculine mate to partner up with, do you notice how she pursues him, constant text communication, etc. Does she do that with you? NO, she doesn't.
Block the number and/or cancel the cell phone.
Her complaining that you are controlling her is just her trying to turn the argument around and make you feel dumb for complaining about her cheating with another man, do you see how well she did it, she knows she can do it, and it worked, you felt bad, you immediately unblocked the number afterwards because you were afraid of her reaction, afraid you were going to push her away even further, afraid she was going to resent you more, etc.
Newflash....
she resents this wimp that you are that you're afraid to stand up to her and call her on her $hit and you continuing to be afraid and continuing to be this doormat that she can use to walk over and wipe her feet on is pushing her away and making her resent you more than blocking a cell# could ever accomplish.
My wife hasn’t slept in the same bed with me for about 1-1/2 years.
Other than what your wife has told you, what else would you attribute to her not wanting to lay beside you?
What could you do to develop the attraction for her to want to hop in bed with you?
Steve with another man in the picture, either in person or someone she's been thinking about for quite some time, there really isn't much he can do to ramp up the attraction between him and his wife.
Well actually he could try one thing, emulate her behavior including finding another woman and ignore his wife and text, email, call this other woman on a regular basis and let his wife catch him doing this - this would change things quite a bit ;-)
I asked her if she thought it was fair I was paying for a phone so she could stay up all hours of the night and during the day texting this guy and she instantly got defensive and she says she feels like I'm trying to control her. She doesn't react well when I "smother" her and it usually ends up badly. I want her to still have a phone so she can call her mom or whatever, I just don't want it used to talk to this guy. I can't understand how she can't see the logic in this, but somehow I am the bad guy by approaching her about this situation. I think I am going to block the number to try and cut off her communications with him. Unfortunately I feel like if she does divorce me, I will get the short end of the stick and she'll get my kids. I feel so trapped and I just want it to work out so we can be a family again.
Here is why I think you should cut the phone off altogether. She is stepping out of the M. Let her FEEL and EXPERIENCE what that is like. She thinks she is going to leave you - so, let her go. And that means she doesn't have all of the goodies like a cell phone when she has to make ANY call - lover, 911, mother, friend, you - no cell....unless she pays for it herself. That's one thing. The other is - God forbid it there is an emergency - really? You can't swing a cat without hitting someone with a cell phone. She can borrow someone's .
Cut the thing off. Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
[quote=Dan1977]Knowing my wife, aggressive behavior or having ultimatums will backfire in a heart beat, and I believe more passive behavior will work best.
You are scared of her and it shows. Passive is what you are most comfortable with and you are hoping that it will work. It won't. It never has and it will not now. Geez, Dan, you let your woman sleep in another bed for a year and a half? You needed to call that meeting to order a long time ago. And now you are experiencing the consequences of .... passive behavior. It clearly has not worked. What it has done, my friend, is to drive you W into the arms of another man.
Attract her with strong, decisive behavior.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
What a tremendously difficult weekend!! I am at the end of my rope I feel like. She completely fabricated a story about going down for dinner with her family and then stayed all night with OM. She turned off her phone and wouldn't talk to her sister who she planned to meet up with on Friday night. My wife informed her sister that OM was going to meet up with them and her sister disapproved. My wife then never called her sister and turned her phone off all Friday night into Saturday afternoon. My wife's story is she went out for drinks with OM, then drove back home and stayed at a park and went for a long walk. I don't really believe any of what she says anymore, it's all a fabricated lie it seems. I had the kids on Friday/Saturday, so I took them to Chic-Filet so they could play and her sister and mother wanted me to come down to their house so I could talk.
Let me tell you, it was a huge huge load off my chest to finally be able to really talk to someone about what has been going on the last few months. I feel a little more stable and not on the verge of breaking down even though my wife has done some very hurtful things this weekend. I stayed at her parents til late Saturday night around midnight or so and talked to them for several hours telling them everything that has been going on. I let them know how much I loved their daughter and I'm not trying to point fingers and make her look bad, I just want my wife back so I can prove to her I can be the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with. They were all very understanding and totally felt sorry for our situation and want to help anyway possible. They know her very well and my wife is a very stubborn woman, especially now when she's so closed off. My best move so far is to just not pursue her, because when I do confront her and just want to talk, she wants to pick a fight and turn it into a confrontation trying to give herself ammunition to not want to be with me.
Around 8:00, my wife started texting me because I had the kids with me. The texts started out very hateful and threatening. She told me if I didn't bring the kids home right away, I better not go to work next week because she is going to take them away from me. She knows that is my weak spot, I am hopeless if I lose my kids. She uses them as a weapon almost. She tried to make it like I was keeping them from her. I calmly replied that I was not trying to keep them from her or be secretive, I was just spending some time with my kids. She was pretty irrational with me, she acted like I wasn't tell her where they were, but she never even asked me, "where are you with the kids today". I eventually told her I was at her parents house and let her know I just really needed someone to talk to and they were so nice to talk to me and have dinner with me. I was afraid to tell her I was there, and as I thought she instantly fired back I was trying to get her family against her. I told her that was not the case, we are all worried about her and love her and feel like she is confused and is going down a difficult path in life.
I am trying as hard as possible to be the better person in this situation even though my wife is entangled in this affair, which seems to have gone from emotional to possibly physical =( I can't quite decide if it's a deal breaker for me if I find out she had sex with OM, it's very hard to think about right now in the heat of all this.
When I got home last night around 1:30 am, I went to bed with the kids on the couch downstairs. We slept there for about an hour and then she came down and got my little girl and took her upstairs and said it wasn't fair I wasn't letting them sleep in their beds even though my son wanted to sleep on the couch with me. She has taken down our wedding pictures, and put her wedding ring in the box and put it on my bathroom sink. She left the debit card at the bar her and OM were at Friday night so I had to report it lost. She left me a note not to renew it because she doesn't want "my" money.
Her sister and mother were going to come up today, but we decided taht was probably not best and she does need some space. I have not said one word about this weekend to her an have answered when she asks me a question, but do not try to engage in conversation with her. She cooked dinner and after I finished I told her thank you for cooking, it was good and she said your welcome. I am scared about going back to work tomorrow, but I really do feel a little more stable after talking to her family. I am scared she will try to take the kids somewhere, but I have no idea where.
She has really put me in a pickle financially with all that is happening. A few weeks ago we were planning a vacation, and we decided we want to go somewhere tropical so she convincned me we should go back to Jamaica where we were married. I booked the $3500 trip and we purchased like $700 of clothes. We were supposed to leave June 1st, now I pretty much assume we're not going and I'm not sure what the hell I am going to do. I know the airline tickets are non-refundable and part of the hotel is. I'm so confused!!
M 34 W 31 S 8 D 3 W affair 3 seperate times with same ex since Feb 2010 I said I wanted divorced April 2012
You found out about your wife's affair in February. Why would you have plunked down that kind of money for a trip a few weeks ago, when your wife was still in the thick of her waywardness?
I'm really sorry you're going thru this. This stage you are at right now is exactly why I try to get people to attack their cheating spouse's affairs EARLY and AGGRESSIVELY. Because when they are left "Bo-Peep," they usually just keep planning their own escape from the marriage, and the end is NEVER pretty. Financially, emotionally, legally, it gets ugly and very sad.
Dan, you've been stuck on defense far too long. There are some things you can do still, at least to minimize the damage. You need to take back some control in this situation! Sadly, your wife does NOT have your family's best interests at heart right now, nor your marriage's. The agenda needs to be set by someone who DOES, and that would be YOU.
Puppy, I thought the affair was ended in early March because I confronted her several times. She told me she would stop talking to him and the internet chat did stop and she removed him from Facebook. I thought we were on the road to recovery, and then out of the blue last weekend, the texting started up. I am having a very difficult time thinking about even going to an attorney because I feel like I am throwing in the towel. I know I should for my own interests, but I just can't right now because I love my wife and family so much I will put every bit of effort I have in saving my marriage. I have such a deep love for this woman I can't give up and my family is the single most important thing to me.
M 34 W 31 S 8 D 3 W affair 3 seperate times with same ex since Feb 2010 I said I wanted divorced April 2012
Ok, I'm getting a lot of appreciated opinions on her including being called a "wimp" haha. I used to stand up to her more but it led to rediculous arguments a lot of times and recently I've become much more relaxed in my nature to try and ease the tension with my wife. I've tried to demonstrate to her that I am a pleasant person to be around and not everything needs to be a showdown. Maybe I am being a wimp and I should just block the number and listen to her call me controlling and everything else in the book. I can handle all that, but here's my weak spot, she will threaten me with the kids and I back down right away. I can't help it and she uses that tactic and I hate it. It's not a fair thing to do, I would never use that one against her, mainly because I can for being a male who always get the short end of the stick in a custody battle. =( I love my kids with a passion, so I try not to argue in front of them, and I don't know if that is classified as me losing the argument, but even if I kept pursuing my point, even if I "won", there isn't a winner. I will think about blocking the number again, I'd like to see if the texting slows down any and maybe she will come to her senses and realize the greener pastures are right here in her home. I don't want to give everyone the impression my wife is a horrible person, we're are going through very rough period right now, but we have many many happy memories and that is the fuel to my fire to keep my family together.
M 34 W 31 S 8 D 3 W affair 3 seperate times with same ex since Feb 2010 I said I wanted divorced April 2012
