"What concerns me about this is that you are not "venting"."
I have only really been venting in my journal. I know this is annon. but it is still hard for me to let out the most hurtful things. I have a H that I love dearly and there are no longer any kisses, ILY, hugs, no ML for a few months. The idea that there could be OW is eating me up. I am severely allergic to cigarette smoke and now H has taken up that wonderful habit. (hiding it from the kids though)
"Why do you assume you are the one that was victimized? <-- I have some red flags going off in my mind right now."
I don't understand this. Can you explain a little more?
"Are you doing this to regain control.. or do you want to make a change?"
I want to make a change so that I can regain control. I think you mean, regain control of H. That is not what I mean.
"The fact that you are posting "here" but really don't have any problems yet. He said he was gonna leave.. but he has not. He tells you he does not love you.. but he still is with you. What happens when he wakes up tomorrow and does move out? How will you react?"
I certainly don't feel like someone who doesn't have any problems yet. I have lost my BFF and am being threatened with losing my H. I do understand that my sitch is not to the point of many of the others i have read. My hope is that I can sort some things out here with advice and avoid our M getting any further in the toilet. If he moves out tomorrow, I will fall to pieces, no doubt. But, I will not be done working on my M. I believe that I took vows forever. I can't imagine giving up.
As far as the depression in H: He has been diagnosed and is on an SSRI. He was suicidal, it was awful! As soon as I figured out how he was feeling I went behind his back and had a meeting with his MD. (the first thing I have ever done behind his back and he still doesn't know about it). I had to lie to H to get him to an appt, but it worked and I am thankful. Maybe this is why I don't seem so "crazy posting". As afraid as I am now for my M, I am so thankful that H has come out of that very dark and dangerous place.
about any possible OW: I am on the fence about that being a deal breaker (remember, I took "forever" vows). I just can't imagine how I would react. I really hope I will log on here before I do anything. I believe that forgiveness is a very powerful gift. I would hope that if we ever could get through something like an A, and see the other side, that I could give that gift. I fear I am not that strong. But, my kids existence would prohibit any immediate kicking out. I couldn't do something so sudden to them.
"big things coming"-this part of your post gave me nightmares last night.....
As always, thank you for taking the time to post to me.
