I think I get it. I've been taking crap behaviour and she's not going to change it unless I do a 180 and stop it.
If she does not change it after I 180 then there's nothing I can do.
But if I keep catering to her and not setting boundaries for myself letting her know what I will or will not stand for and sticking to them she will never change her behaviour because she knows she doesn't have to.
She can just keep running over me, guilting me, and manipulating me, and using reverse psychology to get her way knowing that I'm going to continue to put up with it.
Now that you seem to understand things in a more clear fashion it is VERY important you start making goals for yourself AND you stick to your boundaries. If she crosses the boundaries you must enforce them and whatever conseqences she feels are for her to deal with.
Specifically what will you do and how will you set and enforce boundaries? IMO it is important to create a very detailed list to act as your guide.
I do believe the past two months were very very imporant though. I think I may have started something in a positive direction.
Beforehand she wasn't even talking to me or seeing me. Obviously she still cares because she came to the hospital and we go out and we ML. The thing to find out now is that enough?
I am not sure I agree. She wasn't talking or seeing you because she was too busy with her affair(s). When that fizzled out she came back to you when she needed or wanted you. When her affair wiped her hotel room clean and stole her things she called you and you went running. I am not sure here calling you, having sex with you and needing you when it suits her is positive.
I am sure in her own way your W does still care for you. I am sure in his own twisted way my H still cares for me. But no, it isn't enough. My H did the same thing your W did... he showed up at the hospital when I was very ill and put on a big song and dance. The next day he told me he would NEVER turn his back on me again and then I never heard from him again. I wouldn't put too much stock in the hospital visit. When a human being experiences something like death, a major trauma or an illness it is in our nature to cling to something that signifies LIFE and nothing signifies LIFE like sex. I also think your W uses sex as a way to keep you hooked.
I shown her enough love. I've helped in every way possible. I've been there for her. Now I need to draw my line in the sand.
She's too freaking comfortable. I've helped her be that way. I indirectly and directly enable her behaviour because I keep doing what she expects me to do which is this.
Very good realization. I think you need to create a very specific list of goals and boundaries for YOU.
Well I know what I have to do I think. The fear of losing her is actually keeping me from her.
It causes me to cater to everything. She feels like she can keep it this way and cake eat because I'm enabling it.
Fear can really cause us to get stuck. But the way you "have" her now is not good and will not make it for the long term. And yes, she behaves this way because you allow it.
If I stop enabling it then I can change her behaviour because my enabling behaviour is gone.
She might change and she might not. But when you change enough (for real) you will begin to see her in a new light and you might see something you really don't like or desire anymore. This will take a LONG time no matter what the outcome and you will have to learn the art of patience.
Why would she change that behaviour if she's getting everything she wants by staying gone with me helping her every chance she gets? She hasn't had to deal with the consequences of dealing with things or going through stuff by herself.
Exactly. She left the marriage so she has lost the privilege of having a partner to help her out.
She expects me to rescue her whenever she gets into a jam. So that's not making her be responsible.
Well, you can't *make* anybody be responsible but at least you won't be constantly sucked in her drama and problems.
You are on the right track but I think you need to get very, very specific about what boundaries you plan to set, how you will enforce them and so on.
