Calling all affair annihilators & boundary setters

[courts0818]

PDT,
I'm just curious; why not ask questions about the affair - if it's ended, if he has any contact with her, etc.? You said to act like he's still in contact with OW and I'm just wondering why - bc he still might be or what?

The "NOW what?" feeling you wrote about is exactly the way I feel right now. That's the urgency feeling that is bugging me.

As for boundaries while we are still separated - we pretty much have a schedule set up. However, he has a new job and has been working longer hours. I think I need to have him come over one additional day per wk to spend time with DD. He's getting here about 1 1/2 hrs later than he used to which is cutting into his time with her.

How do I talk to him about not spending our family assets on the A? Do you mean money or what? He's currently paying our mortgage and the rent for the house he's living in. I guess that's not really $ spent directly on the A, but yet it is - bc he moved so he could have the A. He's paying ALL of the bills/expenses at both houses so how do I address this?

I absolutely do NOT want him calling/texting OW in our home or in front of DD. Do I just tell him these are boundaries for the current situation we are in or what? We haven't said much of anything about the A. Should I just bring it up and say like I've been thinking about everything and these are the things I need to live peacefully through this?

PH & PDT,
Since I haven't said much of anything about the affair, should I make it clear to H that I will not consider reconciliation until all communication with OW has ended and then give him the boundaries stated above? Since the bomb, I have pretty much just ignored him. Conversation has been really minimal.

PH,
I am working. It's a slow process. I've had "Not Just Friends" for about a week and I'm only on page 42. I just don't have much time to read. I try to read each night before bed and I get about 5 pages in before I can't keep my eyes open any longer. I worked all last weekend so maybe this weekend I can really get through a good chunk of it.

Kalni,
Thanks for your posts. I can really relate well to your sitch and your feelings.

Oh...and I wanted to add - I've noticed when I don't text/contact H, he usually tries to contact me. For example - I hadn't seen or heard from him since he left last night around 9:30pm. This afternoon he sent me a text asking if we're still planning on playing in the golf outing at my work. We played last year and had a great time (wow...even in the midst of his A - SICK!). WTH though...he is so confusing to me. That's not until June and I'm just struggling with each day. I haven't responded that text.

[pearlharbr]

courts, I guess I just don't understand what's causing this feeling of urgency. Because he hinted that he would move back in and he's sorry he hurt D3? That's nice but how are those statements actionable on your part?
1) He would move back in. Ok. Does he want to? Does he expect to?

2) His actions have hurt D3. Agreed. And? Is he going to make it up to her somehow? Is he going to behave differently moving forward?

These are questions H has to answer. Throwing statements out there doesn't mean jack. Remember, believe nothing they say and only half of what they do. Unless and until he starts backing these statements up with his actions he's just blowing hot air.

You need to take this time to figure out what you want. I understand that you're busy. If it takes you a month to get through the book then it takes you a month. Just don't rush to make any decisions without being informed. It's difficult not to react on emotion but we all know it's much better to think things through carefully and act rationally.

Continue to do what works. Don't pursue. Don't pressure. Don't ask questions (you can later when it's crystal clear that he wants to work on the R). Assert your boundaries and maintain them. If continued contact with OW is a deal breaker for you then tell him that. Puppy is much better at wording boundaries than me so I'll leave that to him.

And yes, you must assume that the A is still going on until he proves to you otherwise. BF told me he was "not in contact at all" with OW. I went to his bowling league and walked in on them standing a foot away from each other and chatting. I walked up to him, said, "This is not 'no contact'" and walked out. He tried to explain later that he thought it didn't count. Then he saw her again to apparently break things off and didn't tell me. Caught again. Finally there was another email exchange. Caught again. So even when they say they want to come back you still have to be prepared for the lies. They must prove themselves through actions over time. Do not jump at the first sign of possible reconcilliation.

[courts0818]

Today is a new day and I have a new attitude. Well...IDK about my attitude, but I do not feel the burning urgency to have my H back in our home. That came to a screeching halt last night when I was reading "Not Just Friends." I read the section that described in detail how an EA turns into a PA. Seriously, I was almost gagging and sick to my stomach when I read about everything leading up to the PA - the first kiss, etc. I just sat there picturing it all in my head. I was filled with anger and anxiety. I was shaking my head in disgust and disbelief as I pictured every last despicable detail - my H doing such intimate things with OW. Excuse me while I go vomit.

I just sat there thinking WTF was going through his head? How did he allow this to happen? As horrible as it makes me feel to read the book, I know I need to - I know it's a healing process and I need to understand how/why this happened.

I was thinking...last weekend I worked at the YMCA for their Healthy Kids Day. They had tons of stuff for kids to do. So, I sent H a text and told him he should bring DD bc I thought she would have fun. Well, he actually did bring her. In the past, I really can't imagine him taking DD to something like that - he would leave that up to me. So I felt like he was making an effort and stepping up. But the more I think about it - it's like whoopee $hit. He did one nice thing - okay great, but that doesn’t mean he's ready to commit to me and this marriage. I think I just got caught up in a good family moment and wanted the happily ever after.

I was overly excited when he said he would move back in bc that's what I have wanted for sooooo long. But in my head, I was denying the A and all of the rotten things he has done. It's just not going to be that easy. As much I want my DD to have her dad back it has to be under the right circumstances.

I'm not sure what he could do behavior wise to show me he's done with the A and ready to commit to me. If I only see him a couple of times per week and we don't talk about the A, how am I going to really see/know if he's truly done with it and ready to work on our marriage? One way or another he needs to know what my boundaries are. I guess I should tell him or text them? Continued contact with OW is a dealbreaker.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I'm not sure what he could do behavior wise to show me he's done with the A and ready to commit to me. If I only see him a couple of times per week and we don't talk about the A, how am I going to really see/know if he's truly done with it and ready to work on our marriage?

Trust me, Courts, you will know it when you see it. It will be substantively different than anything you've seen from him thus far, even in his GOOD moments.

Puppy

[courts0818]

Wow...okay. He's been so rotten for so long, but we'll see I guess.

What do you think about me at least telling him my boundaries and that continued contact with OW is a dealbreaker for me? I don't want to talk in detail about his A, but I want him to know where I stand.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Wow...okay. He's been so rotten for so long, but we'll see I guess.

What do you think about me at least telling him my boundaries and that continued contact with OW is a dealbreaker for me? I don't want to talk in detail about his A, but I want him to know where I stand.

Only when he says he wants back in the marriage. Right now, in his current state, he's not going to care.

That doesn't mean you can't have some boundaries in your OWN HOME, but those should be laid out when they happen, not done in some grand pronouncement. For example, if you catch him on his cellphone, texting, you can say "I certainly hope that's not your girlfriend that you're texting. That would be incredibly disrespectful, and I'm not going to tolerate it in my own home."

Puppy

[courts0818]

Gotcha, lay out the boundaries as they happen. I was confused about that. I really wanted to do a grand announcement. Oh well, he wouldn't have listened anyway.

I did go back through some of the texts he's sent me over the last month. Some of them are interesting... these texts must contribute to why I'm always so confused and emotional.

Pre-Bomb. It was starting to sound good and hopeful….

"And u know what, I had been trying lately and ur attitude has been enough to make me not wanna try much."

"I think we should try (and work on the marriage) and move somewhere warm like vegas or arizona."

"So I was online and thinking taking DD to * (vacation spot) over a weekend would be fun."

Post-Bomb

"So no chance of reconciling or me moving back?"

"So now I get no conversation? (bc I was ignoring him)"

"So now it's over?"

"And what r u thinking cause I was gonna ask I could move my $hit back in, but obviously not."

"Hmmmm so that means ur thinking were done."

"Not like u care but if I could redo things I would."

"Nope it wasn't. (response to me asking if it was worth it)"

"IDK what I was trying to do, even if we weren't getting along. And we may never, but she (DD) is the one I want to be happy."

"U think it got it figured all out, u don't so keep running your mouth. But yes u have been good to DD."

"U can threaten all u want, take me for what I got. And u will be far worse off than what u r right now, oh wait u probably didn’t think of that"

"That's fine, u can turn your phone off. But take my $100 a week in support and compare that to all the bills I pay. I said I would move back but whatever."

"So have you made the arrangements for Disney yet?"

"Are you still planning on playing in that golf outing? (with him)"

???? : ( : 0 ????

[pearlharbr]

courts, it's not as confusing as you think. Just reading that string of texts without any context I see a guy who is just stringing you along. He's trying to make you feel bad about whatever you said/did by saying he was going to X, but now that you've said/done Y then he's not going to anymore. It's simply a control technique. Nowhere did he ask to come home, ask you to take him back, ask you to forgive him and work on the M. He assumes that he will move back because of course that's what you want.

That's why it is imperative that you do not jump the gun. The fact that he has admitted the A and has shown a small bit of remorse regarding D3 are fine but they are also new. What does it mean? Could be a turning point, could be nothing. Only his actions over time will tell.

Keep doing what works -- don't pursue, don't be readily available, GAL. Puppy is right, if H is serious about making the M work then you will know.

When BF started wanting to come over to the house I agreed but wouldn't be here. I assumed (correctly) that he was still seeing OW and I wanted no part of that. When he finally understood that I was not sitting around waiting for him he wrote me a long letter that tried to explain what he did and asked for a second chance. Of course I said no and made him really work for it, but that's another story.

[courts0818]

IDK...does he really think I want him to move back? He knows that I don't even want to talk to him right now. He's even started a few texts by saying, "I know you don't want to talk to me, but..."

I guess I need to get back to GAL and leaving when he’s here. The last week or so I’ve been staying home and just reading, but maybe I need to get back to leaving.

I don't get why I'm always feeling confused, but to others (on the outside) it's so obvious as to what he's doing. He follows the typical cheater/walk away script and yet I often don't see/get it.

It really did seem like a turning point (the "good" talks/texts were right before the bomb) - he was actually talking a little bit about the future, things we could do together with DD, coming back home, etc. I felt hopeful bc conversations like that were absolutely a 180 for him. But yes as you've pointed out, PH, it's his ACTIONS that I need to pay attention to, not his words.

Ugh…I’m just tired of it all. I have needs too and I’m really fed up with being lonely and all of the bs. I’m also sick of feeling like a single mom. : ( There are times when I feel like I hate him.

Sounds like I need a girl’s night complete with my faves – margaritas, chips & salsa.

[pearlharbr]

"I know you don't want to talk to me, but..."

The subtext of that comment is, "I want you to talk to me and what I want is more important so I'm going to continue to do whatever I can to get you to do what I want."

It is a good thing that his recent convos were positive. The mistake you made was jumping at the first good thing. Go back to what works. GAL. Focus on yourself. A girls' night out sounds like just the ticket.

It's always harder to see our own sitch objectively. Don't beat yourself up over that. That's why I love this place, to come to get others' perspectives.

Have a margarita for me!