When H came to get kids to take them to eat for S12's bday with H's fam, like on earlier call, H was being polite. When he noticed me kindly nudging them out the door, he came back inside and asked me what was wrong. H's acting like he doesn't understand why I have to be upset about b/c he didn't do anything upsetting yesterday. Apparently him wanting a D isn't cause for me to be upset and not want to see or talk to him. I told him that it doesn't matter if he's nice or mean, I can get over the crap he gives me during the days, it's the main story that he wants a D that I can't get over. H still acted confused. I finally said "(H's name), it doesn't matter if you tell me you hate me right now or stood here and told me that you loved me and wanted to come home, right now, everything just hurts too much. It's not what you say or do, it's the decision that you've made. Now please leave. I'm not being mean. I can't see you right now and your fam has been waiting." H left.
When H brought them back, we did not speak. H talked to kids for a few then hinted that he was leaving. I didn't look up when I said bye. As he was stepping out the door, I called his name. (This was so stupid of me.) I told him that I'd made homemade spaghetti and didn't want to waste the sauce that we hadn't eaten and asked it he wanted it (that's his favorite). With an attitude, he told me no and nearly slammed the door.
(I'm not sure why he suddenly got an attitude. Did he expect me to say something nice, ask him to hang around, or what? H's so confusing!)
After he left I sent the following text to him. I asked that he not respond and he did not but now I find myself wondering what his response would be....
My text:
It does not matter what you do or say right now. Those individual things hurt a lot. What hurts the most is the fact that you are doing what you're doing. You're divorcing me. That's what matters. That's what you've done. When you want to ask again what you've done to upset me, that's the answer. There might be other things but that's the one I can't get over. When you're mean, I can let it go. I cannot let it go that you're divorcing me. That's the unforgivable, heart shredding pain I feel everytime I see you. You're right there. I can't hug you. I can't tell you how I feel. I see you and notice attractive things and can't compliment you. I can't do anything except accept that you're doing this...because of "everything". Don't ever ask me again what you did or what's wrong. You know the answer. Don't write back. I'm not being mean. I'm having to protect myself and my heart while accepting what you're doing to me and our family because of what YOU want. I can't see you and hear your voice right now because it makes it more difficult to protect myself from this hell that I'm being thrown into without warning. I cannot believe that you've planned this over the last year while looking me in the eye, telling me the loving things you've said, making love to me, telling me two months ago that you were never leaving and to let go of my insecurities about his happening, having fun at concerts and shooting pool, etc. That's just so wrong. Christmas, Valentine's Day (I loved the card you made me), you holding me the day after your last surgery. It was all fake. That doesn't even include things we enjoyed together between last May and Christmas. WTH?! It doesn't matter. You're done. It's all just memories now. Time for me to focus on my kids and myself and make myself proud again. I don't mean any of this in a mean fashion. It's the only way that I know right now to describle to you my thoughts, feelings, and reasons why it hurts so much to see you and hear your voice. That's my explanation as to why it hurts and what you've done. I don't want to feel any of this. I don't want to be going through this at all. You're putting me through it. I'm human. I have a heart and it's destroyed and I have to react. I've been told to do what I need to do to take care of myself. My heart is the majority of me and I to protect it. Right now that means my ears can't hear you, my hands can't touch you, and my eyes can't see you so that my heart can't feel so much. I hope you understand this and know that I don't say these words to be mean, but only to explain why I've said what I've said.
Not good, huh? That's what I'm thinking. That was a big ole backslide on my part, right? I should've just stuck with not speaking to him at all about anything. I shouldn't have shared my pain with him. But then again, I don't want him thinking that he hasn't hurt me. Confused!
