6 MONTHS IN AND FEELING A WOBBLE........

[Mila]

lalxx - I never posted to you...just came across your tread. I don't know about the divorce laws in your country, you should consult a professional to see if there would be any potential financial advantage if you filed first on grounds of adultery.

If there isn't, I wouldn't do it. I would let him file for a divorce if he wants one. When he does, the adultery would be disclosed by your lawyer anyway. In my country adultery doesn't make any difference, it's not even taken into consideration when splitting assets, but it could play a role where you are. Also since you are self employed with unstable income, you may have a good chance to get alimony. Check out your legal options before you do anything.

[libbyasking]

Personally after getting legal advice about where you stand I agree with Mila.

Let him do the hard work if he wants a divorce. As you know a lot of MLC men threaten divorce as a way of being happy and even go through with it. If you do it it will be more justification for him staying away as you divorced him!

I am sure if he divorces you for unreasonable behaviour your legal advice may advise you go and counter claim the adultery.

With the recent history of better behaviour from your H he may just be swirling and ping ponging around trying to sort his life out and find himself happiness. Who knows what tricks OW may be pulling in the background with your H and she may also have an agenda.

[lalxx]

Thank you Mila and libbyasking,
I don't want a divorce - it hurts to think he wants out of our 18 year relationship after 6 months apart......

Anyway, the letter is filed away in my folder and I intend to ignore it. He can do the running if that's what he wants and well I'm going to continue to respond to what has actually happened rather than let my imagination run away with me into 'what if' scenario land.

I have received texts today about buying our son some cricket whites and I saw him briefly when he dropped the children off to my office after he'd picked them up from school.

He texted me about taking the children away at some point this year and enquired about our annual trip to the family home in France (which the kids adore visiting). He decided not to come along on our family holiday last July so i drove there on my own, with my children for the first time ever. I have planned on doing it again in July as part of my GAL strategy!

There have also been a couple of other texts about various people we know and a call - which I didn't respond to.

So, I am seeing him collecting and picking the children up to/from school and being in the vicinity which he hasn't done for several weeks. He will make them their breakfast tomorrow which he hasn't done for at least 3 months.

Keeping my expectation meter to zero and carrying on GAL.


lalxx

[Marked&Healed]

I was about to post the very same thing. Get legal advice FIRST and then DB advice second.

From a legal standpoint, you may be best separating yourself from his childish, debt-seeking behaviors before he ruins you and you lose your house.

From a DB standpoint, it's always best to let them know that you do not want a D, and if they want one, they have to pursue it. "It's YOUR D, not my choice, so you do the work" type of attitude.

D does not have to be final, but it does make it harder. I know in my state here in the US, I can drag out D proceedings for up to 2 years - in the meantime, I'm not telling H that, so if it takes him 6 months to file, it buys me 2 1/2 years, etc.

[Marked&Healed]

Posted so fast, forgot to say that your sitch sounds just like mine. H is 43, OW is 43, they "reconnected" at HS reunion. He always had a "crush" on her and she "intimidated" him so he never pursued her.

The only thing is that there has been no trauma in H's life, he just went off the deep end. The only trauma I can see is that he feels like he's aging and refuses to let go. He's been saying for as long as I can remember (10 years maybe) that it's not the age, it's the attitude. Over and over and over. He did start buying 80s music again and recently bought 80s style 3/4 length t-shirts that he wears constantly.

Other than the D pending, it sounds like you are doing very well. GAL sounds like it's in the cards... have you communicated to H that you do not want a D and are willing to work on the M still? It's not DB technique, but I believe it's important to say once... just so it's in their subconscious somewhere. Anyone else care to comment on that belief?

[lalxx]

Thank you Passenger - out situations are similiar aren't they??

Interesting correspondance between us today which i'd appreciate anyone'sthoughts on.

My husband collected the children this morning and took them to school - he came home made them their breakfast - this is something he has not done in at least 2 months.

I got a new tyre on my car it is being paid out of the joint account so I texted my husband to let him know that my car was safe again and that I'd paid £150 from the joint account. He texted back:-
'That's great! Travel safely please Paula'

I took the chidlren to a party tonight straight from school. I texted him to let him know that we would be home in 20 mins so taht he could call them. I got the text back:-
"Ok, it's Dads wedding anniversary today, 25 years"

I replied:-
"Gosh, I didn't know. Do you want to talk?"

He replied:-
"No I'm fine sent flowers from all of us"

I replied:-
"Thank you that was very kind of you. As long as you are ok Paul"

10 minutes later I got:-
"26 years last week that Mum dies. I'm ok, remember I am a bastard don't forget and not worth any pity!"

His Mum's death was so very badly handled by his family - he was 15 and his sister was 12 - his Dad sent his sister on a 2wek French exchange trip without telling her that her Mum had died and when she came back her Mum was buried. My husband slept with his Dad for a year as he was convinced his dad was going to take his own life. His dad met his 2nd wife in Yugoslavia on a family holiday a few months after his first wife's death and he married a Czech lady who didn't speak any English - my husband had to clear his Mum's clothes from the wardrobe the day before the new wife arrived in the UK. My husband and his sister have been virtually ignored by his Dad ever since.

So I couldn't leave this text unanswered so I replied:-
"I do not think you are a bastard a all Paul. Never have. I went to Chrch and said a prayer for your Mum last Tuesday, I didn't know the exact date, I am sorry. I don't pity yu either. I just feel so very sad sometimes. You might not want to hear this but I love you. Here if you need me Paul"

He hasn't called the children tonight.

So have I really set the cat amongst the pidgeons with my communication do you think?

lalxx

[Mila]

lalxx, for what it's worth, I would have probably said exactly the same thing to him. I think that it was OK in that situation. He may be quiet for a while...processing what you said

[avermont]

Lalxx-


Just wanted to let you know that I read up on your thread, as you were kind enough to post on mine.

I have to offer you lots of kudos for handling this so well. You certainly sound in a lot better shape than I ever was at that point in the process.

You are doing an excellent job on detaching.

Keep it up!

[Marked&Healed]

I think I would have left off the ILY - he knows that - but other than that, it was fine. You were there for him and he'll remember that feeling, even if the exact circumstance disappears from his mind.

[lalxx]

Well I have had a fairly torrid week or so with my husband.

Friday 30th April he came by to fix the children their breakfast before taking thme to school. I normally stay well out of his way, however I heard him shouting at our son for having dirty finger nails, he called him disgusting...I came to the top of the stairs and asked if there was a problem and the hounds of hell were unleashed. It resulted in my husband storming angrily out of the house and he called me jst afterwards and was shouting and berating me and telling me the calls were being recorded. I ended up hanging up on him as he was so abusive.

I took the children to school. Had a hideous day and was really upset. When I got home there was an e-mail which was just awful - full or venom and vitriol towards me - accused me of being an infit mother, of sleeping around, of calling him to all of our friends and family, being a bad business woman .....all of it untrue I have to say.

I ignored the first e-mail and the 4 further ones which followed over the weekend. I sent him an e-mail which was calm and polite pointing out that our children were healthy and balanced and hadn't missed a day's school since he left nor had they been ill and his accusation of my poor parenting was wrong. I got a long ramling reply stating his version of our marriage (died years ago, get real because he's going to be divorcing me whether I like it or not). he told me he loved me but all I wanted was servant in our marriage and I was frigid, disrespectful ....you get the picture.

He eventually asked to meet up via e-mail and I said I was happy to do this - as long as it was in a public place, the meeting wasn't recorded and I had an idea of what he wanted to discuss beforehand. I haven't heard from him about meeting up since but he did say that he would allow to cool down so that I could think about responding to his offer of divorcing him for adultery which had been made via solicitor's letter a couple of weeks ago.

He has had the children this weekend but hasn't been around all week. He has been chatty via text and even sent me pictures of our daughter in a sports car?? I tend to ignore his texts unless it is about something urgent involving the chidlren.

It was our children's school Summer Ball last night and I took 2 tables (this is an event we have always supported in such a way). I have had friends to stay with me this weekend and last night was such fun - I boogied the night away. My friends were great and there were a few solo ladies on our tables it was a fun night - I missed not being with my husband though it has to be said.

Today I feel so very, very flat and tired of the whole situation, he seems to be very focussed on getting me out of his life and I continue to GAL. Is how I am feeling normal? He has been gone 7 months now and I try so very hard to be the best version of me that I possibly can but today I feel such a failure and I miss my kids.

Thanks for listening,

lalxx