OK, I'm trying to garner how to draw a stronger line with my H. We have a legal sep agreement that clearly states neither of us can take S anywhere, we need to keep him in this town, and in this house.
So that won't work.
And I've been dumped now for a year, hard to be the walk away spouse when dumped.
But I will check Allen's thread thank you.
I am so glad you let your S and H have their time together its' so important especially at that age.
I may bring up communication rules AGAIN we've gone over them again and again and H just doesn't respect them... and you are right. Validating does not mean being a dumping post I"m learning that the hard way too.
You CAN be the WAW--in your head. It is more in your mind anyway. Even last time I shook him up a bit by "planning" a few things without him knowing anything about it.
Making "plans" is "moving on" to them. When this happened last time, I got some travel brochures and left them around for him to see. Now I was frantically DBing, but STILL, you MUST make them think you will be moving on. Even last time, there came a point I got so tired of him putting me down every chance he got, I WAS going to be moving on.
He saw the brochures I'm sure. Never said anything, but it was "there"--I'd always wanted to take a cruise (they are not too bad expense wise here in Florida) and he refuses.
Sit down one day and write a "list" of all the things you would do if he was gone. Don't worry about money, time, nothing--this is your "bucket list". The things you would want to do with or without him. My "bucket list" includes doing missionary work, hiking, getting my nursing degree, going on a cruise (still haven't done it). These are things that I swirl around in my head I tell you what, it gives you a lot of "power" over the sitch when you have other things you can do and get excited about.
The communication rules are actually difficult for both of us. But I have started just to "do it" (so hard not to "react" to his accusations and snide comments--but it's in the "rules" that if they don't follow the guidelines, YOU leave.) Per the counselor, they are in several places in the house and I tell you, I have to read them over and over--I'm no expert, so how do I expect him to be one? And like everything else, I have to "set the example" for him because he certainly can't.
Notice I say he "can't", not "won't". I don't think he can--he is not capable and is looking in a way for me to guide him.
Which is fine. I am stronger and you know what? Good for me! And it makes me more attractive! Anything wrong with that??lol.
Strong, secure, patient, kind, no-nonsense. Like the one gal says--you are a kind but firm nurse (ha! good training for me anyway!!)
If you want, I'll post the rules that I got. I typed them up and they are in my kitchen, bathroom, and my personal journal. Put them on your fridge--he'll notice in a heartbeat.
My next "step" is to start saying over and over, I want a man that can follow simple communication rules. I hope this will be you (one of his BIGGEST complaints is that **I** was a horrible communicator. It was one of his "lies" that has now been blown WIDE open. We both don't do it well, but **I** am getting better and better)
I am really down today. I know I have some pretty good reasons to be, but it's distressing as I've been "up" for a couple of months now...
First the computer's sound isn't working--I have been through all the checkpoints in the help section of Window's Vista and can't figure it out. Not that I even care--H and S listen to music and I love silence.
But his LL being Acts of Service, I try to help out when I can and a lot of times I can fix things on the computer. So I am bummed that I am not able to figure this out. I just broken down and called a computer guy I found in the yellow pages. Ugh. H will be pissed about the $30+ to find out something really stupid probably.
And H's cell phone died, causing him to need a new one. Only thing is, he hates to text, likes flip phones, and has to clip it on himself at work. They don't seem to have clips like they used to--now they are leather "pouches" (he calls it fag luggage) that you have to unclip and then retrieve the phone from--so annoying!!
I found a flip phone online, and it has a case like he is used to, but it is a yellow phone--which he hates. Again, I spend all MY time doing this for him, and I'm not successful.
And our TV craps out. It's 25+ years old. H didn't want me to even get an estimate, but I had to give it a shot--he won't be getting a new one (we have one in the bedroom, which is where he "holes up" these days).
I have an older horse that has suffered terribly down here with heaves. Last year he stopped sweating. I just talked to the vet, and we're going to schedule him to be put down next week. I have known for 6 months that I was doing this, so I have been spoiling him with extra feed, grooming, special time grazing in the backyard, etc.
And of course my H is a stone--no touching, talks very little to me. And recently there's been loss of eye contact. Not sure what that means.
Why do I love this guy?? He sucked me back in during counseling--telling me it would "break his heart" if I left. Crying--real tears I think....several times.
So, anyway, I did have a positive the other day--after a hellish day with us looking all over town at phones and not finding anything, he told me "go ride your horse" after I got back from a long walk and remarked how beautiful it was. I always like when he "gives me permission" to ride my horse. I don't know why I need permission....My S has picked up on this as well and tells me to "go ride" when I'm having a stressful day.
I think I really thanked him for that--I have ZERO expectations so I think it came out genuinely surprised/pleased.
Other positives, which, I know from last time are pretty big deals--he is here in the evenings, still lets me make his favorite foods, finished hanging S's curtains, plays games in the evenings with us.
I keep wondering if I have to follow some of those old DB rules, since this isn't quite the same. Should I stop saying ILY? He has stopped. Should I give hugs? He runs from me so it's hard anyway. Counselor wanted me to flirt and be touching him as much as possible--but the touching isn't easy when he acts repulsed.
Maybe he senses your stress and is suggesting more than giving permission? He knows it calms you down. Things seem to go wrong in three's. Hope this is it for a while. So sorry to hear about your horse.
thinking of you. kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
"Permission" is a word I use--I feel like I need "permission" to feel better when I have had a stressful day. I need to give MYSELF permission, and actually, that is exactly what I did today. I got S home from school, gave my H the choice of grilling the meat I had or eating leftovers (he said he wanted leftovers, but then grilled instead.... )
And I went for a 2 hour ride. It was nice. I do a lot of praying on my horse, and thanking God for all I do have.
I'm especially reminded of that by a neighbor girl we have. She was an orphan in the Ukraine. My neighbors wanted to adopt a little girl and was offered her 5 year old sister online. They got to see the little girl, fell in love, and then was told she has an older sister. So they felt obligated to not split the girls, but it's been obvious they didn't want the older one (she was 12).
She is now 17 and I'm just now becoming aware of how horribly they have treated this girl. She is very bright, gets all A's in school, and is just a teenager living with a nutcase. The W is just FULL of drama--there are all kinds of animals over there, it's filthy, they have money problems but she is constantly online buying horse things (13 saddles in the past 2 years--they have 4 horses). Her H is a saint--I don't know how he puts up with this woman.
So the girl gets frustrated wtih the weird lifestyle and craziness and of course, is a teen, and is probably more mouthy than she should be. So they have threated to send her back! And according to my farrier, have tried to get a Dr. to say she needs to be medicated. OMG!!
This poor girl. I told her I'm so sorry, she has to be the adult and just GET THROUGH IT and GET OUT. I want to do SO much more for her, but my H is going to tell me to mind my own business. This Friday he is working and I am going to try to get her and take her out to the coffee shop with my S and some of his friends. I bet she could use a night out!
I had a long chat with her yesterday--she is now living with 2 other neighbors who took her in, but she is afraid they will not keep her. She knows if she has to go back they will get her on medication. I told her if she does have to go back, she is 17 and smart--maybe she could get her GED and just get out at 18. She wants to join the military and I think that is a fabulous idea.
I think you could try doing more of the DB stuff and see where it gets you. I disagree with the IC although I don't know your issues so she may be right .... HOw about pulling back, focussing more on you, trying not to pursue someone who is an emotional "stone"... mark your progress after a couple weeks?
I will post them tomorrow when H isn't around--he caught me on these boards last time and had a fit. They're a couple of pages.
I think I have started to do the DB thing of not pursuing. I just can't stand running after him when he is so cold. But....it is in my nature to "not pursue". I remember when we dated, he was very standoffish and I went WAY out of my comfort zone getting his attention in the beginning. After I got it, I was really confident and relaxed in the relationship. But in the very, very beginning, he had a couple of gals really after him and I got caught up in "winning" him. Flirted like crazy, was very huggy/touchy, and he was rather standoffish the entire time.
I remember thinking I was about to give up on him--he was just too hard to reach--and it was like he then switched gears and was interested.
Stay calm No criticism No sarcasm No profanity No raised voices Nothing critical about the other person Stay focused One issue at a time No conversation after 9 pm If you break a rule, apologize and correct it No "why" questions. Instead say "Help me to understand" or "How else coule we do this". No conversation about issues in the bedroom No physical threats, violence, posturing,or clenching of fists Become totally aware of non-verbal cues: Looking at the television/computer, no rolling eyes, keep eye contact One person speaks and the other repects with nothnig added After the issue is discussed, affection (a hug) and a verbal response eg "Thank you for trying". Once a week have a conversation about an issue. Talk every day no longer than 15 minutes No issues, fun things.
After issue is discussed there are 2 questions to be asked: 1.How does it affect the relationship? 2.What options do we have?
List options and throw out all but top 2-3. Come up with a gameplan for each option.
So this a.m. my H said pretty much nothing to me, and I only asked him if I could get him a bagel for breakfast and he replied "No".
When he said goodbye to my S, I didn't pursue anything. Didn't even really look at him. Did say a quiet "bye" which he may not have even really heard.
I read on a different thread about pursuer/avoider dynamics. It's interesting how sometimes he is very much the pursuer, and sometimes he is the avoider. And I have changed up roles quite a bit as well. But I would say in general I am more an avoider than a pursuer, and this was a bit of a 180 for me to pursue with affection.
I am torn right now which one is right. Guess I'll just moniter this for a while.
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