Thanks, Allen, now I have to go watch that movie. LOL
Today my focus on myself is going to be trying to be introspective into WHY I make things harder than they have to be. In my quest to always be learning and growing, I'm exhausting to those around me.
I take on too many projects and volunteer positions. I make things homemade not only from scratch... I do things like make my own butter and grind my own flour... LOL (always been interested in pioneer living type stuff) I have WAY too many hobbies that I don't get to do any one regularly. When I try to do bible study, I get frozen and have to look online for searches like "how to do bible study" or "where to start with a bible study" - like I have so much overthinking going on that I have to have others tell me how to start the process. When I was recently going nuts with the sitch with DH, he'd literally say something by email and I'd post it because I was so overthinking my answers that I couldn't function in the real time world.
Journaling: Watched Thelma and Louise - good movie. Thanks.
Lunchtime talk/meet over paying bills went OK. When he brought up buying another car, I said I was not going to financially support his infidelity. He laughed at me, with a very evil look on his face. In that split second, I could have walked away from him forever. He just looked possessed. He clearly doesn't think it's infidelity to sleep with another woman... but I just remember that he's not himself.
Anyway, he did want to open a new bank account with his own name so we went to the bank. He said he wanted to learn to separate his finances and pay the bills, so I said "Oh, so like I pay for myself and you pay for yourself and the kids." He really was taken aback at that thought... and stopped himself instantly and said no, he just wants his own account. Yup, he's using me for my money... sad.
I'm going to change my account and direct deposit also, into an account he does not have access to. Just to protect myself. I don't know if he shared my password with her and she can see my financial goings on or not.
Anyway, I told him I did not release him from his vows, and he said "I told you there is no contact."
Wanted to say "forgive me for not believing you, I know you're a pillar of truth, honesty and responsibility after all..." but I held my tongue. He asked a lot of questions about where I got the money for new clothes and perfumes and stuff, and why I'm in such a hurry to lose weight (told him I had a deadline) - and said he notices I'm on a journey myself... he's very, very curious. He isn't even hiding it anymore. He's openly asking me in a round about way if I've been seeing someone.
He said where did you get the perfume, and I said, it was a gift... he said from who, and then "never mind, you don't have to tell me." I said "I will tell you that I am a married woman and I WILL NEVER betray my vows." He just nodded, but I could feel relief on him.
Yeah, he doesn't care. EVERYTHING he did and said today says he still cares. He's so confused. It's ridiculous.
I know my husband, he's not ready to move on just yet. He thinks he is, he thinks he's moving in that direction, but he isn't. He's totally in denial about that.
I've detached, and it's wonderful. I can see things from a distance, turn them around in my hands, examine them, and then release them, making a note of them. I feel no emotions attached to them, just a curiosity.
It's going to be great tonight to have everyone together. MIL/FIL and his dad, the kids and he and I are going to dinner. Should be fun.
I'm going to change my account and direct deposit also, into an account he does not have access to. Just to protect myself. I don't know if he shared my password with her and she can see my financial goings on or not.
Pass so good to have you back and feeling better.You are back girl..and he is seeing that. I am not a church goer but I pray every night to god and the angels.Did you know angels cannot intervene unless you ask them?..only if its a life or death sitch, they will do what thy have to do. Pray to the angels also.I believe God does put us on a path do his work and although it may not always be obvious at the time.
You will get stronger.I am nine months down the road from an A and losing my H and whilst I am not there yet I can remember the pain of the early days, the craziness you describe.It slowly gets better. The key in all of this is, its his loss, their loss all the WAH,WAW who have hurt their spouses.We will find peace but they will have tortured minds and souls until the day they die. I truly hope it works out for you..you deserve it.
ME 44 H 45 D 14 D 20 M 22 YEARS TOGETHER 28YEARS Bomb Drop 14th July 09 Seperated-living with OW 10mths(14/07/09) MLC 3years
Silence wasn't golden in this marriage; it was deadly," Dr. Robin L. Smith
Good call on the finances.. If you guys do separate them out, I would stop paying for his kids... see how he likes being divorced financially... I bet you he won't like it, but give him a taste of it.
I would NOT have set his mind at ease about you cheating... I would have just waited for him to come out with it. Still thinking on that one...
When he does that, you could ask him if he's interested in a full transparency agreement... My guess is he'll refuse...
Not sure how that would go... you simply setting him a good example of adult behaviuor may be better.. I am still mulling that one over...
Yeah, I was iffy on that one also, Allen. I have decided that I will take the high road. It would be very, very easy to take my mom's advice and let him know that I have men interested in me. I'm not trying to sound like I think I'm all that, but I'm a very pretty girl and a lot of men do nice things for me. Especially now that I'm losing weight. I've had many gifts given to me, many men chase me, even several that would follow me in my car until I reached my destination (nice looking men, but creepy maneuver). I could definitely make him remember why he chased me for so many years back when we were just friends...
I thought it through before doing it, and since I'm basing much of my feelings on marriage on the covenant I feel I have with him before God, I thought the high road was the only way. Setting an honest and adult example is the only way I want to behave. I want to be able to hold my head high when this is over, irregardless of how it turns out. That is now one of my N.U.T.S. - LOL (thanks Puppy - just gave that book to my DSS20 who is getting involved with a girl he's had a crush on for YEARS - since he was 8 - and is trying to control him.)
Besides, H is in such a dark place right now that even when I take the high road and behave with total honesty and integrity, he's totally projecting onto me and ASSuming that I'm just as dishonest as he is. I can take the high road and on some level, I think he'll know it's who I really am - and if we reconcile, he'll respect me for it... but in his dark place now, he is still jealous, still thinking I'm seeing other men, every move I make, every friend I see without him there, every new item I bring into the house - in his mind, they're all potential gifts from suitors and potential liaisons. LOL - I don't have to do anything to him. In his twisted mind, I'm just as dishonest and as much of a cheater as he is.
Heck yeah! I wrote in my journal the quote from her - "You get what you settle for." Totally loved that one... I'm not settling for anything less than a truthful, honest, loving marriage. Decided!
I did go after work and start a bank account and will change my direct deposit on Monday. Now our finances are separate. I also did up an estimated schedule and emailed it to DH, just to "show" him what our finances would look like separated out. He took financial responsibility for the kids and I took it for the dogs, since I would keep the house and dogs if we D. LOL - he's in the red each week and I'm totally in the black.
I also have made a few Puppy moves - not going to write it out here and would appreciate if no one else did in case H ever finds and reads this thread... but it involves what I think was a cell phone that he used? Something similar, several types of devices.
Like Ronald Reagan says, trust but verify.
Not sure what I will do with any intel I gather, probably just hold it close to the vest for the time being. I've given this over to God and am working on me and my happiness. But I also don't want to be made a fool of and I want to KNOW what is going on.
Oh, last night at the fish and game went well. The two granddads and grandmother were there. They had Thanksgiving dinner in April, delicious. H didn't arrive until everyone was working on dessert. Was upset that we didn't answer the house phone. DUH - we weren't there, we were on TIME (H is always late and DSS15 is very upset b/c he's a stickler for time - totally happy when we arrived 5 min before dinner and I said "that's b/c I was driving, I'm never late") The kids know that there are a few things I never do - I NEVER lie to them, I NEVER break a promise to them, and although I may sometimes make them late for something, I always try my darnedest to get there on time. I feel it's important for kids to have a sense of stability and to know they can trust their parents. Unfortunately H tries to live up to those standards, but fails occasionally... that's one of the ways he says I made him better b/c he tried to have values when he was "with" me. (like we're not together now - LOL his twisted mind is so weird)
I went to see a speaker once, I couldn't hear the speaker at all. Apparently someone had muted the sound system, making sure it wouldn't make ANY noise. Hmmmm; not a bad idea.
